There's a lot of things I'm dying to share but I come home late almost everyday and get too tired then, but what the hell. I wanna write something right now even it's almost midnight and I gotta attend a Cross Culture Communication class tomorrow on 8.30 AM.
Today I met Red. He came to Jakarta to some events and we just spend some time. Well actually there's so much things I would like to share from last weekend to last night. But Red is Red, so I guess I don't have to be so surprise if something went wrong... cause something feels wrong suddenly... today. Just an hour before I met him.
You know, I always believed that our relationship could lead to somewhere. There's a time when I believe that, and sometimes I just don't. Maybe it's too much too ask but somehow he could makes me feel... weird. I mean, I can't barely explain it. It's not logical and hearts doesn't have enough words to describe it. But it's just feel unusual.
I don't wanna wake up someday and feel different. About me, about him, about us. I won't.
He make a jokes (or not, I don't know) canceling our plans when I already re-schedule my agenda for days forward. I'm surely pissed and won't see him but a friend of our made me go, so we finally met. He will never know how I'm so disappointed and maybe it's a little unnecessary matter about how clumsy is that, but I hate it. It's not the first time, not the second time too. It's like a plain jokes or what but in the bus when I go home, I'm thinking about it.
I think I'm kind of tired. So much burden, so much risk to take and there's no guarantee about anything. I put so much efforts about anything, mostly about him. I do everything I can for him, but there's so much time when I wonder if he ever do the same. I know he loves me, but I believe his love not as much as mine. You see, I give up everything. My dream, my passion to be a wedding planner, my perfect life faraway from home in Bandung. And I never blame him for ruin it. I can't and I'll give my best to not say it out loud.
Days passed by and somehow I feel like a fool.
He promised me so much things like future. He promised one day we'll be together, and it's nice to know that there's someone who loves you back that much and want to settle down with you. I'm so grateful, I really am. But is it right? Is it... for real? I'm kinda have some trust issues back then, so I think it's natural if I worried too much, think too much, and maybe cry a little bit too much.
Any-who, today I make a jokes if he wants to come over and meet my Dad. Seems he takes it seriously. I hate to think about it, but sooner or later I got to. What exactly I have to say to arrange a damn meeting? Gee I really have no idea! So much to thinking about!
Shit, I'm thinking too much. Gotta off to bed, have some sleep enough. Maybe tomorrow is good for something.
No comments:
Post a Comment