2011 Flashback

I think 2011 was the roughest year in my life so far. So much things happen and that's totally changed my whole life. Today I watched Kingsley Bitch's videos about 12 things in 2011 so I think I'm gonna make mine right now.

• Academia Issues

 It's crazy to except the fact that I'm not a traveler/event organizer anymore since I've been prepared all my career since I was 15. Then I moved back to Jakarta, place I hate the most and leave Bandung, place I love the most. Frankly, I love being alone. Doing things on my own, no rules so I can organize my life like what I want.

• Mental Breakdown

 March 2011 until September 2011 was the craziest months ever. I'm crying out loud, I'm so close to losing my mind and going insane. Back then I swore I'm gonna have a good career, make a good moneys then leave this crazy jail called house forever.

• People Changed

 It's like I'm so done with people. She used to call me as her best friend but now her best buddy is a whore and sadly, she seems like enjoy to be a girl who goes to parties and clubs, drinking and smoking, things she swore she would never did back then. I just realize it's stupid to believe people easily, even if she's your best friend. My other girl, someone who used to be my BFF since I was in Junior High become a crazy stingy girl who only talks about her boyfriend and other jargon. Stupid. I just hate how people who used to be good just changed and kick me out of their life.

• Different Personality

 Yup. I used to be a nice person but somehow I can't stand being like that. It's like all my dark sides comes to surface and I become a person like this: cynical, doesn't really cares about people but her own self, selfish, try hard to focusing with my study, try hard to have a good career (even if I got to stab someone's back or let's say, a friend), having anger disorder (and eating disorder of too much ate like a pig I think) and really don't give a shit about any single thing. Well maybe I'm a douche-bag right now but sorry, I really don't give a fuck about it. And yes, by the way, I'm so cynical and too often use the F words. Not good tough, but I'm working on it.

• Trust Issues

Well I think it's a matters I had with every single people I know. Even Red. There was a time in this year when I'm so mad, so much disappointing how he chat with his ex on Facebook. It's not like I forbid him or something. I know he probably just trying to be nice and still be a friend to covers all awkwardness. I don't mind.... if only he told me. I found out and that's a hit. Anyway, it's alright now.
And my trust issues have one conclusion. It's Shakespeare's quotes: love all, trust few, do wrong to no one. And in my case, I trust no one but myself.

• Commitment

Yes I know this word is just too big for a 19 years old girl but it's not me who said it first. Surprisingly, Red use this word to describe our relationship. I know he did mistakes in the past, but after all he's not perfect so neither I and nobody's perfect but I still loves him anyway. I can't imagine what would my life be without him in my life. He's my best friend, a brother, a lover and somehow I believe (as I put my faith on his) he's gotta be the one. Mr. Right. The one I'm dying to spend my life with.
We had so many conversations about future. Our future together, precisely.
I'm not gonna lie in my own blog diaries. I had a lot of doubts when it comes to our relationship. Plenty of thoughts, sometimes, makes me lose my mind and I'm just too often being emotionally irrational. But he's so calm and mature and rational so I think he got me back every time I fell. He's more than just a boyfriend for me. He's completing me and I think he's crazy to love someone childish immature like me.
We're thinking about future and just yesterday he surprising me with so many frontal statement like, "Relax, you're going to be boss's wife (boss refers to himself, a wish about career in future. I think he's gonna be a success wonderful person) and so you can do anything you want." It's sounds like a casual proposal to me. Or maybe a promise he made that if he ever wanted to settle down, starts a family and looking for a woman, that would be me. We're thinking about getting a shared account bank for things we would like to share (like dates or travel, cause long distance relationship is really costs a lot). But after all, it's nice to know we're headed to somewhere cause this years is like a crazy whore and somehow there's still a silver lining I can see.

Anyway, happy new year people. Goodbye and screw you 2011, year of pain and hated. Welcome 2012! Please be good, please be so much better than 2011 and slap whoever said 2012 would be the end of the world. Please, bitch, you're not God.

Oh shit. See? I'm rude again. So hard to control when you're so pissed. But I'm not gonna erase that and will publish it anyway.

"It's ours," you said.

My favorite words comes from your lips.

Promises I knew you would never break it.

Dreams you'll make comes true.

Your dream, my dream.

Our dream.

But.

Not today, not today.

Cause today we're just too tired.

Struggle with ourselves, struggling with our life.

Complicated things, unsolved matters.

Miss each other like crazy, distance just too far for us.

I want you in my arms every single night.

Your lips on mine, your skins on mine.

Feel you in me.

You.Me.

Us.

Time is running out.

But how come time stand stills when it comes to us?

I keep asked to myself how long it's gonna end.

How long I have to wait.

Things got to understood.

Exceptions got to make.

Sacrifices I have to give.

"Wait a little bit more and five years is forever," you said.

Is it to please me?

"It's a promise I made for myself," you said.

"It's not my dream. It's not your dream."

"It's ours."

.

Christina Perri - A Thousand Years

Heart beats fast
Colors and promises
How to be brave
How can I love when I'm afraid to fall
But watching you stand alone
All of my doubt suddenly goes away somehow

One step closer

I have died everyday waiting for you
Darling don't be afraid I have loved you
For a thousand years
I'll love you for a thousand more

Time stands still
Beauty in all she is
I will be brave
I will not let anything take away
What's standing in front of me
Every breath
Every hour has come to this

One step closer

I have died everyday waiting for you
Darling don't be afraid I have loved you
For a thousand years
I'll love you for a thousand more

And all along I believed I would find you
Time has brought your heart to me
I have loved you for a thousand years
I'll love you for a thousand more

One step closer
One step closer

I have died everyday waiting for you
Darling don't be afraid I have loved you
For a thousand years
I'll love you for a thousand more

And all along I believed I would find you
Time has brought your heart to me
I have loved you for a thousand years
I'll love you for a thousand more

Our 16th Anniversary and 2nd Christmas together ♥

Makasih ya sayang buat tas sama kartunya bagus banget deh. Semoga kita bisa sama-sama terus dan bisa ngelewatin natal-natal selanjutnya bareng-bareng. Pokoknya doain aja aku supaya jadi orang sukses dan pada suatu saat nanti aku bakal dateng buat kamu. Semoga kamu tambah dewasa, tambah pinter, jadi lebih kuat, pokoknya harus bisa jadi superwoman buat aku. Sayang gendut. Goodnight sayang :*

I woke up this morning, read that message he sent late of night and he just made my day!I should tell you how great yesterday was, it's one of my favorite days in 2011.
Kemaren gue dateng kepagian dan akhirnya nunggu di stasiun sejaman (sempet ngobrol sama penjaga karcisnya segala, pake acara dideketin orang gila segala pula - . . -). Lucu juga ngeliat si kambing lari-lari pas baru turun mukanya panik gitu hahaha.
Anyway we had a really good times together. Eat some bento, watch Jack and Jill, went to Dairy Queen and hanging out (and I ate way TOO MUCH. No wonder he call me fatty). This date is to celebrate Christmas and our 16months anniversary so we exchange some present. He gave me a cute gold watch, while I'm only get him a bag, a handmade sewing Christmas invitation that I made from fabrics and a card with sheep pictures for the anniversary. Couple days before I went for some gifts shopping for Jeanifer but it turns out that I found a cute Spongebob's stationary set and it reminds me to Lena, Red's little sister. So I bought it to her and made her a handmade teddy purse. I'm afraid she don't like it but today Red asked Lena to talk to me on the phone and she said she likes it! Yipppeeeee!

It's Jean's present from me. The teddy exact the same like the one I gave to Lena. I think I'm gonna buy some fabrics later and see if I'm good enough to make a teddy bear doll.

It's great to have someone you really love in your arms, just holding hands and a little sweet kiss while the movie's played. Sit and eat something nice, how he took my glass away cause my new habits to eat the ice, how he cleaned my mouth when I ate like a pig (dan dia bilang gue rempong kayak ibu-ibu karena gue nyediain tisu di deket tangan dia). But after all what makes this date is so great is things he said. And I wish I'll never forget it, especially when times getting harder and I might lose some of my realistic mind about our relationship.
He said things I know that's not a jargon. Once again he told me all his plan for his life. Our dream, our future, together. How he swear he's gonna make it someday, and when he can afford his own life he's gonna come over to my house and, well, you know, maybe have some talks with my Dad.
I know it's still far from there and 2012 gonna be as tough as 2011 cause he'll have a job training from July until December 2012 (and I think he's gonna get what he wants, a job in Bali, Menado or maybe Malaysia). I have to put so many efforts too for myself, my study, my clothing line, and maybe it's a perfect time to get to know myself more like studying other language (I always wanted to learn Italian and took sewing class).
2012 gonna be hard, but knowing there's someone who loves me no matter what makes me feel better.
He said our paths may be different but at the end, we'll be together again. And that's not a promise. That's a dream we're working on. Honestly there's a time when I lost all of my confidence, mostly about my career and how much I envy him, how much I wish I were there to have a job like him. But it's alright. I gotta move on with myself. It's not only my career I'm fighting for, it's Red and our future lives on my hand. I choose him, I always want to stay together and stay close with him so I'm gonna make it work no matter what people may say.

I love you Smelly Goat. You are the best thing in my life, and you are my dream. Now and maybe forever. Let's stay together till the rest of our life. I love you so much ♥

I appreciate this man more than mario teguh or other motivajerk who think they knows life but they actually really don't

So I made a little poem cause yesterday we have an anniversarry-Christmas date and we have a really good times together

Kebahagiaan adalah tiap-tiap detik bersamamu.
Kebahagiaan adalah saat aku menatap matamu dan melihat diriku di dalamnya.
Kebahagiaan adalah kata yang kau ucapkan, senyuman yang kau perlihatkan..
Kebahagiaan adalah napas yang kau hela dan menghidupkanku tiap kali aku mati.
Kabahagiaan, bagiku, adalah tentang kamu.
Kebahagiaan memiliki nama.
Namamu.

Clothes

Couple minutes ago I just found a box of my clothes from Bandung. Just a couple of shirts and tee... and one of Red's white shirt slips on there. Then suddenly I burst into tears and once again, I cried. It's just so sad how I used to wore all these clothes in my favorite city. There's a sweater I wore when I was holding Red's hand, a plaid shirt I wore when I spent a lazy weekend cuddling up, shirt I wore when we go to Church for weekly ceremonies and so many more.
It's crazy how old good memories, even some clothes, could kill you. I am so dying right now. But there's a pain and anger I wanna share with that bitch, so maybe I'm kinda wanna give her a best Christmas present ever: a perfect crime for her death.
Well I really wish I could do that.

Somebody please grab a knife and stab me

I don't wanna act like a pathetic person, nagging of what she should have but she lost it.
I don't wanna be that kind of person, but everyday seems makes me more and more pathetic. I cried for shattered life and broken dreams, I cry lot and be a loner.
I'm pathetic.
Fuck you, life. I hate all these damn you gave me. I want my dreams and my life back. I wanna see and travel the world, not stuck in Jakarta and being more pathetic, studying this stupid ads like I love it so much.
In fact, I'd rather die than living a hell like this. I really do.

This happens when you live in hell

I hate my family. Not because I want to, but they give me too much reason and that makes me do. I honestly have no idea whom I live with. Everybody's changing, even my little brother sometimes seems like join their side against me. I know I'm living a hell, but this week is the hardest part of the month, I guess.
My aunt mad at me because I'm coming home late on two last Sunday, working on my group task that not  easy to make. She gave me silent treatment and judge me like I'm a bad girl or something. Nobody at home talks to me for like 5 days. Last Friday we went to groceries and I thought it's getting better, but suddenly she gave me another silent treatment the very next day for reason I don't even know! I always come home late cause my school is far, it's like 2 hours distance and Jakarta's traffic is crazy as hell. There's no food when I come home, and I'm so hungry but my daily pocket money can't buy me food. I had to pay the transport and because of the distance, it's pretty expensive. Couple days ago I'm so starving but I can't eat instants anymore cause I've been ate it for like forever as that's the only food in house. I drank some mineral water, wish it could helps.
But when I come down to living room for another glass of water, I saw they just finished their dinner. Without me. Without telling me, or buy me some, or even leaving me some. That's sad and crazy. They judges me, they ruin my life, they ruin my dream, they let me down and now they don't even gave me food?
Today I woke up late and she already gone. No pocket money for today. I got a presentation today and now I wonder how to pay the transport.
It's a sad, pathetic life I got. And if there's no Red who missing me from where he are, I might grab a knife and better kill myself now.

Hey there smelly goat!

Ini lukisan yang aku bikin ceritanya pas kita lagi check sound Bandung World Jazz 2011. Kamu LO Gilang Ramadhan di stage B, aku LO Barry Likumahuwa Project di stage C. Jelek sih tapi ya penting ngerti maksudnya hehe :)

Hadiah kecil buat Kambing yang paling disayang seantero jagad raya! Iya, iya, muka aku aneh, tenang aja aku tau kok (hahaha sinis tapi pasti itu deh yang bakal kamu bilang!).

Yes, Shrek, I know how it feels

Permission to log out from everything please!

I'm definitely not happy right now. Not just because my daily complaint about school and life. Now the only one who could makes me happy in the hardest time... seems lost his ability to cheer me up or even makes me smile. It's not because he's so busy or what, I know he's just doing things he should. But I just can't take it anymore. The pain, sadness, rage, anger, jealousy.... it's literally killing me. Thoughts about what I should do, where I should be, and to remember how hard I was tried to get my dream since I was a little. That can't be easy to accept. And I'm so done with all things I should accept and let it go.
I can't let it go. It's my life, my dream, my career, and how come it went wrong after what I've planned and half was done?
I love him, but I love Me too and it's not easy to see what I actually want for now and maybe five years later. I'm happy for him, for all his achievement and good career. But I miss what I almost have too, and no matter how I tried to understand that it's probably the best, I still can't get it. I still live in anger, hatred and still live a life for maybe some revenge. It's like there's a thousands curses banging in my head but all I can do is remain in silent. I can't even cry anymore.
I wish life could give me some break. A quiet, peaceful long one.

Umm...

Yesterday I accidentally ran to Yellow and see he's doing well. I think. It's been a while since I saw him that close, cause I actually can see he's smiling and chuckles, kinda miss the moments when I think that's the prettiest thing ever. Cause at that moment, all the pain in the necks like now is no exist and I'm just living my life, no worries, happy, optimistic and so passionate about what life could bring to me.
But now life is just like a shit. Nothing is good, everything just getting worse and I'm not happy with anything I have.Anyway now it's 11:11 and I don't know what to wish for. See? I don't even know what I actually want. Everything is a mess, I am a mess and I'm so damn tired, I need my girls but they're seems disappear, I need my boys but who's left after all?
I need my man. Even in distance (or it's because the distance?) surely he can't. Yes, that's sad.
Sometimes I don't think I can do this, I just wanna buy Juliet's poison and die for couple of days to see how shock people would be (if only they're still care) and get what I want when I wake up. Or maybe I'll have Romeo's, just die and stop living. Live is hurts. Live is all about the pain. And that's not nice. I'm still not happy.
So I wonder if I could turn back time, just turn back and being happy, live with no worries and imperfectly happy.

So much for twenty!

Umur gue baru 19 tapi setahun ini gue ngerasa beban yang gue pikul rasanya agak terlalu banyak. Dan gue kewalahahan. Gue pernah denger ada kutipan yang bilang kalo umur dua puluhan bukanlah usia yang mudah. Hell yeah, I'm nineteen and life give me so much damn!
Belakangan ini semuanya melelahkan banget. Bikin capek. Bikin gila. Well maybe I lose my mind already. Harusnya sekarang gue bikin tugas iklan-iklan nggak penting itu, never mind lah ya namanya juga nggak penting. Ngapain juga gue bikin tugas kayak gitu. Kadang gue ngebayangin kalo ada yang nanya ke gue apa yang pengen gue katakan ke keluarga gue. And here's the words.

THANKS FOR RUINING MY CHILDHOOD, MY TEENAGE, MY DREAM AND HELL YEAH THAT'S MY LIFE YOU RUIN NOW! I HATE THIS STUPID ADS AND HATE LIVING IN THIS FUCKING RETARDED CITY! I'LL HATE YOU FOREVER AND FUCK Y'ALL!

Tapi cursing hanya kata-kata dan sama sekali nggak merumah keadaan, bahkan suasana hati gue pun nggak. Setiap malam sebelum tidur gue sering memikirkan semua ini. Apa yang salah? Dimana yang salah? Siapa yang salah? Dan sekalipun semua salah gue, pantaskan gue mendapatkan ini sebagai hukuman? I don't wanna sounds like girls who can't move on with her life and deals with all problems but this is my dream we've talked about, and that was the main reason why I put so much efforts and sacrifices, give up everything I had only to know that couple of months later, I lose everything and left with nothing.

Seriously, God? This is what You called 'a plan' for me? Are you kidding me? Cause it's not funny and I'm not laughing.

Marry You Dance!

It's a beautiful night!

We're looking something dumb to do..

Hey baby,

I think I wanna marry you!

Is it the look in your eyes?

Or is it the dancing juice?

Who cares baby,

I think I wanna marry you!

 

LOL! I found this is sooooo ultimate funny and cute.

Emotionally Irrational

Yep, I am. Somehow this week feels rough. Emptiness, loneliness, hurts. It's like every unpleasant feelings comes and gather as one and that's not nice. It's already December and 2011 almost end. Don't you think it fast? It feels like yesterday is March and I was cried in my room, begging my Dad to take me back to Bandung or I'll just die in sadness. I remember how much I'm so depends on Red, how the only one I talked to is him.
There's so much thing I've been missed since then. There's songs I hate to listen, smells I hate, feelings I hate so much just because all of these thing reminds me to my perfect life back then. It hurts, it's still hurts and I think it will last forever.
I would rather pretend that August 2010 until August 2011 were never happen in my life. And all people and things I knew in that periods, well, I think I'm going to erase them all.
Frankly, that's what I'm trying to do. But can I?

What if

Maybe there's something wrong with my head but suddenly I'm thinking about Yellow. The giraffe.
An information told me he'll be graduate from NTU next year. Well it's huge. He finally did it. I'm happy for  him, always, but it makes me thinking and wonder about so much thing right now.
It's a public knowledge in between my high school friends that the first reason why I'm crazy to go to Bandung last year is for him. My plan back then was studying in Bandung, wishing I could jump for couple of months in Singapore and renew my relationship with him. But what is happened in reality are so different. I met Red, out of love with Yellow, things happens, shits happens, I move back to Jakarta, my dream is over, my family is broken, I'm stuck in those fucking advertisement classes, being anti-social, kind of settle down with matters that needs to thinking about. No more Yellow, but still I wish all the best for him.
I wonder what if my first plan going well. Maybe that's perfect. Maybe I'm happy. Maybe, but just maybe, it's just a dream so I have to stop wondering.
Shut the fuck up, stupid brains.

Something is wrong with me. Maybe I'm just too tired. And stupid.

There's a lot of things I'm dying to share but I come home late almost everyday and get too tired then, but what the hell. I wanna write something right now even it's almost midnight and I gotta attend a Cross Culture Communication class tomorrow on 8.30 AM.
Today I met Red. He came to Jakarta to some events and we just spend some time. Well actually there's so much things I would like to share from last weekend to last night. But Red is Red, so I guess I don't have to be so surprise if something went wrong... cause something feels wrong suddenly... today. Just an hour before I met him.
You know, I always believed that our relationship could lead to somewhere. There's a time when I believe that, and sometimes I just don't. Maybe it's too much too ask but somehow he could makes me feel... weird. I mean, I can't barely explain it. It's not logical and hearts doesn't have enough words to describe it. But it's just feel unusual.
I don't wanna wake up someday and feel different. About me, about him, about us. I won't.
He make a jokes (or not, I don't know) canceling our plans when I already re-schedule my agenda for days forward. I'm surely pissed and won't see him but a friend of our made me go, so we finally met. He will never know how I'm so disappointed and maybe it's a little unnecessary matter about how clumsy is that, but I hate it. It's not the first time, not the second time too. It's like a plain jokes or what but in the bus when I go home, I'm thinking about it.
I think I'm kind of tired. So much burden, so much risk to take and there's no guarantee about anything. I put so much efforts about anything, mostly about him. I do everything I can for him, but there's so much time when I wonder if he ever do the same. I know he loves me, but I believe his love not as much as mine. You see, I give up everything. My dream, my passion to be a wedding planner, my perfect life faraway from home in Bandung. And I never blame him for ruin it. I can't and I'll give my best to not say it out loud.
Days passed by and somehow I feel like a fool.
He promised me so much things like future. He promised one day we'll be together, and it's nice to know that there's someone who loves you back that much and want to settle down with you. I'm so grateful, I really am. But is it right? Is it... for real? I'm kinda have some trust issues back then, so I think it's natural if I worried too much, think too much, and maybe cry a little bit too much.
Any-who, today I make a jokes if he wants to come over and meet my Dad. Seems he takes it seriously. I hate to think about it, but sooner or later I got to. What exactly I have to say to arrange a damn meeting? Gee I really have no idea! So much to thinking about!
Shit, I'm thinking too much. Gotta off to bed, have some sleep enough. Maybe tomorrow is good for something.