Permission to log out from everything please!

I'm definitely not happy right now. Not just because my daily complaint about school and life. Now the only one who could makes me happy in the hardest time... seems lost his ability to cheer me up or even makes me smile. It's not because he's so busy or what, I know he's just doing things he should. But I just can't take it anymore. The pain, sadness, rage, anger, jealousy.... it's literally killing me. Thoughts about what I should do, where I should be, and to remember how hard I was tried to get my dream since I was a little. That can't be easy to accept. And I'm so done with all things I should accept and let it go.
I can't let it go. It's my life, my dream, my career, and how come it went wrong after what I've planned and half was done?
I love him, but I love Me too and it's not easy to see what I actually want for now and maybe five years later. I'm happy for him, for all his achievement and good career. But I miss what I almost have too, and no matter how I tried to understand that it's probably the best, I still can't get it. I still live in anger, hatred and still live a life for maybe some revenge. It's like there's a thousands curses banging in my head but all I can do is remain in silent. I can't even cry anymore.
I wish life could give me some break. A quiet, peaceful long one.