Fight

How come we always have a fight when the anniversary is near? Like today, just like yesterday. Today it's our 2.11 anniversarry. A month more to 2 years anniversarry. And yet we had afight last night. My faults. Totally my faults and I'm sorry for it. I'm not proud of it, but it's far better to told him the truth and he'll mad at me than keep this as secret. I hate secret. I hate bad surprises, and I know how hurts it feels in his position. I remember I was there. And that's a hell.
I'm overreacted. He said that, and I know it's true. So I wonder why can't I act normal? Why can't I just pass a day and night not worrying about him? I used to say I'll try to hold, but I can't resist.
God, I'm so idiot.

What's Gonna Happen in 6 Months?

There's a  lot of thing on my mind all at once.
Mostly about how much I miss Red. I miss him. A LOT. And everyday I'm waiting for July 15th to know where he's gonna be for 6 months till December for semester internship. I'll be glad for sure if he's in Jakarta. But if he's not that's gonna be another tough months in distance, again. I hope he's in Jakarta, but above all of my wishes, I wish all the best for him. That's what matter.
I can't help my wild imagination to come about what it will be in next 6 months. If he's in Jakarta, I bet it's gonna be totally fun and lots of love in the air. But if he's not here, that's gonna be tough. For me, at least. I know we've been through something like that before last year. We made it through, but that's doesn't mean I ever wanna feel that way anymore. Thta's a mixture of sadness, pain, tears and urge to meet cause I miss him  bdaly every single night, with another mellow late phone call, talks about future and stuff. That's sad.
I know sooner or later we're gonna be apart. Not to mention this 6 months internship, but his plan to work in cruise after graduation as well. And when that time is come, 6 months of longest distance in Indonesia's gonna be nothing, it'll feel just like a slight slice of pain.
Maybe I had get used to these distance, 127 km of Bandung and Jakarta. And maybe distance between us itself. It's far comforting to know he's sleep in familiar places at night. Yes I know he's 21, he's a big tough guy and can't handle things himself. But it's a motherhood feeling inside of me, though I'm his girlfriend and I had no idea how I feel such feelings and affection. Worries, loving, caring.
He gave me such funny feelings I've never felt ever since I was born. And he makes me feel like I have never loved anyone before him, in case I had for crazy 9 years. But as the ex of "girl whom waiting too long", 9 years feel nothing like this. It's nothing. Next August will be our 2nd anniversary but sometimes it feels like I have loved him for a very long time. And this guy, well, I'm crazy about him. Insanity level for 9 years, well, multiple it. I'm totall crazy for this guy, and lived near with him, to be with him and spend the rest of my life is something I'm looking forward. I couldn't be more exciting.
Maybe I write too much of how much I loved him. Anyway.
I wish it's a good new I'll hear on July 15th.

WhenwhenwhenwhenWHEN?!

Sometimes I think I'm too tired to faced another unsolved problems. And I always said it's an unsolved problems, but maybe it's just one big matters of life and I should give it some time and wait till it gets better. So the next question is: WHEN?
Fuck you life, I'm fucking tired.

Ultra Cute Doodle!

Virtual Red

Sometimes (and I mean it's almost everytime) I had a little childish imagination when I played game online. For example, I played Roiworld dress up games everyday. And sometimes there's some scene of story in my wild imagination about girls in dress up games. Maybe they're a girlband, or an agent, or even just a random girl in summer.

So yesterday I played one of boyfriend dress up games, and there's a game with title "Hot Papa". And suddenly I wonder what Red and our child would look like. I know this is so silly. Totally. But I can't help so I capture some of them.

Picnic day's outfit.

Hangout's outfit.

Family gathering's outfit.

I played my Sims couple weeks ago and it's been months I ignore it. Bored. When I open it first there's some random message from Red's sims. Asked "Don't you love me?" cause I haven't visit him ever since. That's so funny and on my mind I was like, "What? I always loves you babe." Silly me.

Kevjumba Grades

:

See how this is works:
When you're not an Asia:
A - Awesome
B - Better
C - Slipping a bit
D - Not doing so good
F - Failed

When you're an Asian, it's a lot different.
A - Average
B - Bad. Cause when you have a B, you're below average ( hahaha so true that's exactly what I feel)
C - Crap
D - Death
F - Fucked. Because your parents probably gonna abandon you, transfer you to a boarding school, terrible things happen.

Geez. Why I'm so Asian and loves perfection so much?

Confused

I never thought, not even in my dreams, I would write about this man. On my blog. Lets' called him... White. Or Blue. I'm not sure. Sometimes he looks like an air that could be seen, and sometimes he's like a small calm wave in pretty paradise of the Atlantic. I think I describe him wrong. But that's how I felt. Alright let's call him Blite ( I'm not sure what this could mean, though).

So, Blite is a dear friend of mine. I met him last August, Jakarta. At first I thought he's scary, with his weirdo hair and beard and he's fairly taller than me. He's kind, he's nice, he's smart, cheerful, a good person. And I'm not sure why I wrote this but somehow I can't get him out of my mind for weeks so I think this gonna probably helps.

I like him. A lot. I think of him as my big brother. Further, I assume he is like a represent of imagine what Yellow could act if we were friend. They born in same year anyway.

Lately I wonder what the hell is wrong with our friendship. It feels kind of... sour. It's not like what our friendship used to be. He act strange, makes me did the same in return, and we're more like two clowns in the stage who had practised well but suddenly forgot the scenario or how to throw three ball at once. We talk differently, awkward, and it's totally not what we used to be. Sometimes I miss all stupid jokes or intelectual thoughts about work and world.

I don't know what's going on. I don't know what I was thinking. I'm not sure if I feel right. Maybe it's just my imagination. I don't wanna think about it, adn for some time I can stop think about it, but the thoughts keep coming back and makes me do.

And I can't runaway.

Invderrity

One of my classmates asked me about past, about how could I loved someone so long without knowing what I love from him. She asked about yellow for sure, always look at me with big surprise eyes when I came up with that story few weeks ago.

I can answer such question like that. Eleven years had passed, still I don't know what's the answer. Still have no idea why I was so in love with him back then.

"Is he handsome?" she asked.

"No," I said. "Red far better, much good looking than him."

"Was he good to you? Did he treat you well?"

"I don't think so. We didn't talk much back then. We're not that close." I added, "He's insanely genius though, but that's not the point."

"So what makes you loved him so? Nine years in love without pretty ending was crazy."

Well still I can't find a good reason to asnwer that. Still. It doesn't matter anyway. Couple days ago I kinda stalk him, find out what he's up to, just for fun, no feeling attached. He's doing well. Good. I'm happy for him. And after 11 years passed, I find myself doing things I did like when I was in love with him. Like slip his name in my prayer. Still.

I love Red. Much more than everything I ever lvedm more than anything I had seen in this whole world. My wish is to stay with him, settle down, stay together till the rest of our lives. I wanna marry him, share the journey of life ahead with him, had his childrens. I want him for lifetime, and maybe longer after that.

But it doesn't makes me forget Yellow so easily. I don't love him as much as I did before. But strong and deep enough to care about his feelings and pray for what's best for him.

I think that's all.

Dear Distance, I Hate You.

I feel messy. It's what inside my head, what my lips cannot say, tears I can't reveal. I'm lonely, I'm hurts, so much burden to take, so much things to deal with. No accompanny at all. Not even Red. Mostly about him.
Day by day I found myself wondered how to make nthis long disatnce relationship works well. Maybe I'm damn selfish, but I need attention. From him. I need to know he still love me everyday, I need to know he still cares, that we're still in this love and it's still worth to fight for.
Bu how can I still feel the same when he keep in silent. So quiet, too quiet it hurts. Too hurts that always makes me wonder if it's still a right decision that I'm working on, if he's the right man I'm waiting for.
It's not the miles separated us, the disatance between Bandung and Jakarta. It's about the distance of us, the distant that makes us feel so close, physically, yet so far.