I think 2011 was the roughest year in my life so far. So much things happen and that's totally changed my whole life. Today I watched Kingsley Bitch's videos about 12 things in 2011 so I think I'm gonna make mine right now.
It's crazy to except the fact that I'm not a traveler/event organizer anymore since I've been prepared all my career since I was 15. Then I moved back to Jakarta, place I hate the most and leave Bandung, place I love the most. Frankly, I love being alone. Doing things on my own, no rules so I can organize my life like what I want.
March 2011 until September 2011 was the craziest months ever. I'm crying out loud, I'm so close to losing my mind and going insane. Back then I swore I'm gonna have a good career, make a good moneys then leave this crazy jail called house forever.
It's like I'm so done with people. She used to call me as her best friend but now her best buddy is a whore and sadly, she seems like enjoy to be a girl who goes to parties and clubs, drinking and smoking, things she swore she would never did back then. I just realize it's stupid to believe people easily, even if she's your best friend. My other girl, someone who used to be my BFF since I was in Junior High become a crazy stingy girl who only talks about her boyfriend and other jargon. Stupid. I just hate how people who used to be good just changed and kick me out of their life.
Yup. I used to be a nice person but somehow I can't stand being like that. It's like all my dark sides comes to surface and I become a person like this: cynical, doesn't really cares about people but her own self, selfish, try hard to focusing with my study, try hard to have a good career (even if I got to stab someone's back or let's say, a friend), having anger disorder (and eating disorder of too much ate like a pig I think) and really don't give a shit about any single thing. Well maybe I'm a douche-bag right now but sorry, I really don't give a fuck about it. And yes, by the way, I'm so cynical and too often use the F words. Not good tough, but I'm working on it.
Well I think it's a matters I had with every single people I know. Even Red. There was a time in this year when I'm so mad, so much disappointing how he chat with his ex on Facebook. It's not like I forbid him or something. I know he probably just trying to be nice and still be a friend to covers all awkwardness. I don't mind.... if only he told me. I found out and that's a hit. Anyway, it's alright now.
And my trust issues have one conclusion. It's Shakespeare's quotes: love all, trust few, do wrong to no one. And in my case, I trust no one but myself.
Yes I know this word is just too big for a 19 years old girl but it's not me who said it first. Surprisingly, Red use this word to describe our relationship. I know he did mistakes in the past, but after all he's not perfect so neither I and nobody's perfect but I still loves him anyway. I can't imagine what would my life be without him in my life. He's my best friend, a brother, a lover and somehow I believe (as I put my faith on his) he's gotta be the one. Mr. Right. The one I'm dying to spend my life with.
We had so many conversations about future. Our future together, precisely.
I'm not gonna lie in my own blog diaries. I had a lot of doubts when it comes to our relationship. Plenty of thoughts, sometimes, makes me lose my mind and I'm just too often being emotionally irrational. But he's so calm and mature and rational so I think he got me back every time I fell. He's more than just a boyfriend for me. He's completing me and I think he's crazy to love someone childish immature like me.
We're thinking about future and just yesterday he surprising me with so many frontal statement like, "Relax, you're going to be boss's wife (boss refers to himself, a wish about career in future. I think he's gonna be a success wonderful person) and so you can do anything you want." It's sounds like a casual proposal to me. Or maybe a promise he made that if he ever wanted to settle down, starts a family and looking for a woman, that would be me. We're thinking about getting a shared account bank for things we would like to share (like dates or travel, cause long distance relationship is really costs a lot). But after all, it's nice to know we're headed to somewhere cause this years is like a crazy whore and somehow there's still a silver lining I can see.
Anyway, happy new year people. Goodbye and screw you 2011, year of pain and hated. Welcome 2012! Please be good, please be so much better than 2011 and slap whoever said 2012 would be the end of the world. Please, bitch, you're not God.
Oh shit. See? I'm rude again. So hard to control when you're so pissed. But I'm not gonna erase that and will publish it anyway.
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