SG

This words will be the last words I ever write about Yellow. Oh I really do hope so.

So I went to Singapore couple weeks ago. Had a great time (not really). I was torn between two heartache. A heartbreak, and a doubts.

Yellow and Red.

Red's

We've been fighting a lot lately. So much unfinished arguments, so much doubts in my heart and mind about how this relationship should end... or not.

Can't say much of anything that's true. I can't even express all thoughts and feeling well.

Long story short, we had a big fight 6 hours before my flight. And that's ruin my holiday.

Yellow's

I loved him.

And somehow inside my 21-mellow-fighter body there's still a 10 years-old girl, wondering if her first love could somehow love her back. his love doesn't have to be as much as her affections to him. A little bit is enough for her.

So once again, I was wondering if there's a slightest chance to be closer. I was going to sent him message when I realized he's taken.

I'm just surprised. And it takes a whole day long of laugh to finally realize how much it actually hurts. I cried in silence, saying "I'm done with love, I never want to feel it ever again" way too many time cause at that point, my lovelife goes nowhere. I spent too many time fell in love with someone I don't have a chance to be with, and that's happen because I swear I'm gonna wait for him no matter what and along the way I met this guy with a good heart, he loves me more than I deserve, and it's killing me to go through a day without him.

I'm a mess. And the only one who can fix me is Red. It's always been him.

Tell me how to stop

I was studying with my paper and finals preparation when suddenly you crossed my mind. I'm not sure if it's nature or is it the song I was playing is the song I used to listen to over and over again when I was madly in love with you. I wrote a little note of my thoughts about you in my journal. I was going to tweet something about it but I just don't know what to say. And fear of possibility that Red may read it and get hurt.
"It's not like I still love you or what" is what's in my head for at least half an hour before I finally decide to wrote this post. I assure myself that it might be just my random thoughts. And I know that's a lie.
I still care. I still think about it frequently, not everyday but much enough it makes me often think my relationship, my life-plan with Red is a right decision or not. I love him, probably not as much as I used to but I know there's a room inside my heart where a little love for him still left.
It's not like he will love me somehow, cause I truly believe he will not. He never do, he never will. So I don't think I should ruin my relationship and waiting like a fool like I used to.
This madness got to stop. It's 2013. It's been 12 years and it should stop. I should stop. Yeah I should... if I could.

Bitter Heart

Today Red came to my school to pick me up. This day should end great, with a little complain that it should lasts longer and wondering if we came to the same home and sleep in the same bed. But today, our date didn't ended well.
Some say we can't keep something to ourselves. Pain gonna hurts more and more, and it'll kill us if we keep it alone. So I release it. It's not better. I feel bitter and somehow the pain crush me inside, alive. I thought it's gonna make me feel better after I told him what I felt for years. Turns out, it crash me harder.
Our last conversation in cab goes like this.
"So you don't wanna see me again?" he asked.
"I won't care no more," I said.
"Okay." Then we remain in silent and he left.
I feel so dizzy today, all I can remember is blurry memory suddenly came and attack me as if I were a thief. I miss him presence already, wish we were holding hands. I take a little nap and I wake up, I thought he's with me. What a fool thing to do. Now I'm trying to make it up but I can't reach him. Maybe his phone died.
I realize I'm a jerk to gave him my cold shoulder today. But I just can't help it. All disappointments came and it's like the alarm in my head who gave me another warning like it did for past couple months. It's like a sign for me to go, like now or never.
I'm pretty sure he never really cared. I don't know why he want a future with me, maybe he loves me but we all know love is not enough. I need him to understand, without I'm saying how much I need him to understand. I need him to understand automatically that some silly things are very important to me.
I had so much issues in my life. Fear of losing people, honesty/trust issues, fear of screaming. He knows all that, but one thing I never say is how much I fear to lay my life completely and let people take care of me. I never do that before. Oh well I did that once and it didn't turn out great. I never believe in anybody but myself. Even my family, or him.
Today we had a talk before the fight about exes. Well, his ex and my past. That girl and Yellow. He said it won't change anything between us if someday, somehow he meet her again. But unfortunately I can't swear the same about Yellow. I won't make a promise I can't keep. It's not that I still loves him or what, I know that's not true. I know who I want to marry someday, it's Red. But there's something I can't explain about how I feel about everything.
Today there's a lot of things I said that I didn't mean to. But all said and done. I'm not gonna mad if he wants to ditch me I guess. He has a right to do that.

2013 Yellow

It's 2 years and half since I moved on from Yellow.
It's 2013 already but still, some days are pretty weird for me when I found myself suddenly wondering what could have been if things doesn't work out like this right now. What if I'm still single, or what if I give it a try a little bit more. Could he ever loved me the way I did? Could he see me through and look at me as a woman, or does he ever consider me to be his?

How Many Have You Loved?

A simple question, "How many have you loved?" Is your answer, one and only? Or is it several, all of whom have shaped your life?

I just watched this trailer and it makes me thinking something I refuse to think about. Lately I've been wondering if things went wrong or if something happen in the future.
It's 2012. October. Eleven years ago, I saw a boy in one hot summer afternoon. Yellow. It happened and I never thought something weird would trick me into this thoughts. Even now. And still, I don't know why.

How many have you loved?

How many do you loved?

How many will you loved?

"Who are their names?"

"Who, what, when, where, why."

We search for.

We wait for.

We hope for.

This trailer simply haunting me.
I don't wanna know the answer. It would kills me.
I said I don't wanna questioning anything about this, but the facts that I still keep wearing the ring makes me wonder how much I have loved. Yellow. I bought the ring when I was about 16 or something, had it carved in 2009 or 2010.
La Vita Nuova. It's from one of my best favorite words ever. The title of a great poem by Dante Alighieri where all feelings, mine precisely, written. Am I doing a terrible thing?
But the thing is, how much have I loved? How much will I love?

Orange

It's complicated. Heart.
Sometimes I feel like nothing in this world could makes me love you less.
Except one thing.
Yellow comed before red. Like when you bought a box of crayons and you'll see the arangement of colors, it goes from  pinkish, yellow, orange, and red. There's a gap between them and Yellow goes first before Red come in.
For 9 years of my lige I'm full of Yellow. Then when I decide it's stupid to keep it for a lifetime, mine precisely, I decide to take off any colors in me. But that's just last for couple days. And I met him, I'm all about Red. If it's not because of Red, today I'm just a stupid girl, spent 11 of her 20th years alive to wait someone who don't give a fuck about what she had done.
But although I am Red doesn't mean I can't be Yellow sometimes, or feeling orange in those days when I'm so confused between past and present. It's like how a little guy had his first bicycle for the first time, then he learned how try ride motorcycle, then he's driving. Maybe sometimes he feel lonely and miss things he used to be so he ride bicylcle, and when he feels like something is wrong in his heart but he's not sure cause he's got an adult life to live he decide to ride motorcycle.
Supposing I had a car right now. And I know I used to love a bicycle I loved so much once but can't ride it, and there's so many time I've spent with motorcycle. And I wonder how can I fly, who can took me to the sky and explore the stars.

Hello Yellow!

Last night I had a weird dream about you. I couldn't help to smile when I woke up cause every time I did it's either funny or weird. And kinda makes me miss you. I can't help to wonder where are you now, what's you been up to, how are you, how life treats you and if you take it well or take it hard, and I wonder whom you loves right now, I wonder if you happy now.
You were a mechanic (silly me, please forgive my stupid imagination) and I was driving around with my Aunt, had some trouble and she's like, "Hey, that's Ivert. Let's ask him." So I get out of the car, and there you are. You smile to me, as if that's what you always do. And in reality I know, I'm not lucky enough to have that. You fixed it and makes everything good and I know I shouldn't, but even in my dream I knew I'm not over you. I would never be.In my dream I love you just like I use to, a silly skinny love which could makes me give you everything I had with no second thought if you just asked for it, I'll give it cheaply. Back then I would do anything for you, even change myself, change my life so I would be fit in yours.
Is it weird if I still think about you lately? I know I shouldn't cause it's been two years, like my relationship with Red, but you somehow are irreplaceable to me. You're unforgettable. And you're like the biggest part of me. The present me is all because of you. I learn hard, work hard (and I won't say diet cause holiday fat is totally dissapointing). I have loved you for 9 years of my life, it's like my entire youth, pubertity and half of my childhood. Can 2 years of relationship beat it down?
Maybe. Cause it's not like I wanna be yours again, for I know you can't love me. I'm not good enough and 9 years passed, you will never knew what I feel if it's not me putting all my fears behind, be strong and tell you what I need to say. To tell you what you need to know it's not easy, it takes 3 years of my high school and I feel so silly right now, wasting time like that. If I be more agressive and really try hard to have your attention, can we be together then?
Still, I don't think so. You can't love me. And with you all over my sight, I can't be more happier. And it will be wrong to not being myself. And though I'm Red's but that doesn't mean I forget you. You can getting someone's off your memory, but getting him out of your heart is another story. In some length I believe I will always love you.
So that's why I kinda miss you right now. More than ever I felt for this year.

Coldplay - Yellow

Look at the stars

Look how they shine for you

And everything you do

Yeah, they were all yellow

I came along

I wrote a song for you

And all the things you do

And it was called "Yellow"

So then I took my turn

Oh what a thing to have done

And it was all "Yellow"

Your skin

Oh yeah your skin and bones

Turn into something beautiful

You know, you know I love you so

You know I love you so

I swam across

I jumped across for you

Oh what a thing to do

Cos you were all "Yellow"

I drew a line

I drew a line for you

Oh what a thing to do

And it was all "Yellow"

Your skin

Oh yeah your skin and bones

Turn into something beautiful

And you know

For you I'd bleed myself dry

For you I'd bleed myself dry

It's true

Look how they shine for you

Look how they shine for you

Look how they shine for

Look how they shine for you

Look how they shine for you

Look how they shine

Look at the stars

Look how they shine for you

And all the things that you do

P.s.

I see that pic. Suddenly appears on my Facebook timeline.

You looks happy. So did I, saw you smile like that.

Congratulation for your job. Celebrate it, you are a big shining star.

You was, for me, but you still are for her. For them.

I wish you happiness and all the best for you. For my own sake too.

You know I love you so, Yellow.

Invderrity

One of my classmates asked me about past, about how could I loved someone so long without knowing what I love from him. She asked about yellow for sure, always look at me with big surprise eyes when I came up with that story few weeks ago.

I can answer such question like that. Eleven years had passed, still I don't know what's the answer. Still have no idea why I was so in love with him back then.

"Is he handsome?" she asked.

"No," I said. "Red far better, much good looking than him."

"Was he good to you? Did he treat you well?"

"I don't think so. We didn't talk much back then. We're not that close." I added, "He's insanely genius though, but that's not the point."

"So what makes you loved him so? Nine years in love without pretty ending was crazy."

Well still I can't find a good reason to asnwer that. Still. It doesn't matter anyway. Couple days ago I kinda stalk him, find out what he's up to, just for fun, no feeling attached. He's doing well. Good. I'm happy for him. And after 11 years passed, I find myself doing things I did like when I was in love with him. Like slip his name in my prayer. Still.

I love Red. Much more than everything I ever lvedm more than anything I had seen in this whole world. My wish is to stay with him, settle down, stay together till the rest of our lives. I wanna marry him, share the journey of life ahead with him, had his childrens. I want him for lifetime, and maybe longer after that.

But it doesn't makes me forget Yellow so easily. I don't love him as much as I did before. But strong and deep enough to care about his feelings and pray for what's best for him.

I think that's all.

Did You Miss Me When I'm Move On?

Today I had a little chat with a friend of mine as she told me her how complicated her relationship with her crush. Anyway we ended up talk about my past and how Yellow has changed my whole world.

So here's a thought. Did he ever think of me after I move on? I would like to know and see his reaction, a response from a stoic man, when he saw me with Red. Is he disappointing? Did he take a minute of thought and wonder how life would be if he hadn't let me go? Or what he missed for not being here with me?

What a crap thought in my head! So silly to imagine something impossible like that.

OK Go - Needing/Getting

I've been waiting for months

Waiting for years

Waiting for you to change

Aw, but there ain't much that's dumber

There ain't much that's dumber

Than pinning your hopes on a change in another

And I, yeah, I still need you, but what good's that gonna do?

Needing is one thing and getting, getting is another

So I been sitting around

Wasting my time

Wondering what you been doing

Aw, and it ain't real forgiving

It ain't real forgiving

Sitting here picturing someone else living

And I, yeah, I still need you, but what good's that gonna do?

Needing is one thing and getting, getting is another

So I've been hoping for months

Hoping for years

Hoping I might forget

Aw, but it don't get much dumber

It don't get much dumber

Than trying to forget a girl when you love her

And I, yeah, I still need you, but what good's that gonna do?

Oh, needing is one thing and getting, getting is another

September

I'm online and open blogger because I wanna share this weird coincidence how I met two guy who looks like Red yesterday. I have a nice light conversation with the second guy whom had the same appearance with Red: beard, mowhawk, big timepiece, how he looks jagger and fierce while but somehow I felt he is a good person. And I have no idea how something like that could happen for real.

Well I previously wants to write about that. Until I hear the newest single of my favorite singe Adhitia Sofyan, September. It hits me hard when I see the tittle and read the lyric.

I met you in the city of the fall

One September night

We sat down on the table near the wall

Where conversation flows

I wonder if I could stay for a while, you see

Its been a while since I felt this way

But, we both now time is closing in

Till I’ll be gone

You’ll be too

On that night I saw you walked away

(On that night I let you walked away)

I left you in the city of the lights

That breeze September night

We walk down the road to the end

I wished the time stood still

September. It's been a while and I almost forgot how sad I used to be... and how September was a reminder and goal set I made to myself back in 2010 to move on and clearly forgot about everything, forgot about years I've spent living with tears, heartache, all feelings I never want to feel again. It's horrible, but somehow there's some awkward pleasure able to feel that cause that's probably the greatest yet craziest way I ever done to loved someone like that.
In general day, in general way, in my general thoughts, I believe I'm over him. 2012 it's the first time I accidentally don't greet him a happy birthday because I totally forgot about that. But when I heard this song he's the first thing popped in my head.
I probably miss him. Cause I think about him right now. And these thoughts... well, there's a lot of it.
I think I'm still loving him. In my own way. But not as much as I love Red. You see, there's difference between them and how I loved them. I love Yellow like a fan to her superstar. He's perfect in my eyes no matter how weird he could be (and honestly, he is). But with Yellow it's like a childish first love story, a fairy tales that would never ever happen.
And when it comes to Red, I feel different. At first I actually thought he was a jerk but then he grew up and that's like seeing caterpillar turns to butterfly, it's beautiful. I love the way he think about me, about us, about our future. And I dare to say, he's the one I wants to marry. He makes me feel brand new, he makes me feel things I never thought about before and he's my everything.
But today, I just wish him well. I think maybe deep down inside, I already knew I'm not over him. And I'm not gonna ever be. Maybe it's not about moving on. Sometimes, it's about love someone less because too much of something is not good.

And maybe, Adhitia Sofyan's September is not about Yellow and how he left when September comes back then. I think it's about how I, finally, love him less and met someone like Red. And that's when my life and true love journey started.

Umm...

Yesterday I accidentally ran to Yellow and see he's doing well. I think. It's been a while since I saw him that close, cause I actually can see he's smiling and chuckles, kinda miss the moments when I think that's the prettiest thing ever. Cause at that moment, all the pain in the necks like now is no exist and I'm just living my life, no worries, happy, optimistic and so passionate about what life could bring to me.
But now life is just like a shit. Nothing is good, everything just getting worse and I'm not happy with anything I have.Anyway now it's 11:11 and I don't know what to wish for. See? I don't even know what I actually want. Everything is a mess, I am a mess and I'm so damn tired, I need my girls but they're seems disappear, I need my boys but who's left after all?
I need my man. Even in distance (or it's because the distance?) surely he can't. Yes, that's sad.
Sometimes I don't think I can do this, I just wanna buy Juliet's poison and die for couple of days to see how shock people would be (if only they're still care) and get what I want when I wake up. Or maybe I'll have Romeo's, just die and stop living. Live is hurts. Live is all about the pain. And that's not nice. I'm still not happy.
So I wonder if I could turn back time, just turn back and being happy, live with no worries and imperfectly happy.

What if

Maybe there's something wrong with my head but suddenly I'm thinking about Yellow. The giraffe.
An information told me he'll be graduate from NTU next year. Well it's huge. He finally did it. I'm happy for  him, always, but it makes me thinking and wonder about so much thing right now.
It's a public knowledge in between my high school friends that the first reason why I'm crazy to go to Bandung last year is for him. My plan back then was studying in Bandung, wishing I could jump for couple of months in Singapore and renew my relationship with him. But what is happened in reality are so different. I met Red, out of love with Yellow, things happens, shits happens, I move back to Jakarta, my dream is over, my family is broken, I'm stuck in those fucking advertisement classes, being anti-social, kind of settle down with matters that needs to thinking about. No more Yellow, but still I wish all the best for him.
I wonder what if my first plan going well. Maybe that's perfect. Maybe I'm happy. Maybe, but just maybe, it's just a dream so I have to stop wondering.
Shut the fuck up, stupid brains.

IT (I wish your initial was ET)

I used to think one day I'm gonna write a good story about us. About how cool you used to look in my eyes, how much I admire you and fantasize about fairy tales about us. I made a playlist with songs that used to describe my feelings and thoughts about you, songs that used to be played all day long while I was thinking about you, but not about us cause that sounds not possible.
Today as I wait Red (and for sure, he never call like I wish he would). I play solitaire (so lonely) and I play that old playlist on just because I hate silents and for a minute I realize it's all your songs. It's Adele's Chasing Pavements, Melt My Heart to Stone, David Archie's To Be With You, Katy Perry's Mannequin and finally.
Daughtry's Over You. That's your last song (I hate to admit thre truth, Barry Manillow's Even Now, so never mind).
So let's say, today I'm thinking about you. But I just remember how we used to be so close and yet so far. I remember when you say hi with my middle name that I used to hate (and since you call me with that, I started to like it). I remember how fast my heart races when you put your hand on my shoulder and asked about my exam (and that's the first time I was so embarrassed cause I got the worst score like, ever). I remember how you get cold in the middle of ceremony on Church and how worried I was.
That's the same worry that I felt for Red right now when he ill. And no, I don't think I'm gonna feel the same thing again to you, as all my worries, wishes and dream is all on Red.
It's not like I miss you and want to see you. No, I prefer to meet Red for a second than have you for a week. It's just like... I miss you as my memory. I used to think you are the biggest heartache I ever feel. It turns out that you're not. My biggest fear now is Red, and all feelings, wishes and fantasy that I used to pray I'd do it all with you was changing. It's Red and the good thing is, it's not a fairy tales. It's coming-soon-happy-ending.
I'm so glad I met you, fall for you and hurts. Cause if I don't, how am I supposed to know that there's a great guy who loves me as much as I do?
I wish you well, IT. And thank you.

Just some report about thoughts and today how I met Yellow but all I could thinking about is Red

I met Yellow.
It's been over a year since the last time I saw him. It's been a year flats since I, you know, doing confession but reject his offer to grab some coffee.
He's so close, but just like usual, it yet so far.
I know it might be the last time I saw him again. I think he's not going home until December. Or maybe next July. But whenever he may come then, I don't think I'll have that chance to see him again. He's gonna be so busy and he's life is started. I look at him and feel a little bit jealous though. He lives what he's dream for. He loves biotechnology and he's brilliant, it's not hard to get exactly what he wants. He always get it anyway. He can have everything he wants.
I felt what I used to felt whenever my eyes caught his presence: butterfly in my stomach, my limp knees, hands shaking.
But no heartbeat. And that's the only thing missing. Maybe because I already gave all my heart to someone else who loves me back.
I honestly glad to see him. I'm kinda miss him and it's nice to know he's doing well. I still love him with friendship bond but that's it. At first I actually doubt myself about me when I caught him across the hall. I look at him and wait.
My eyes starring at him. But my thoughts fill with Red.
I miss him. But not as much as I miss Red.
I love him still. But it's more like a little girl to her old-time pal or long-relation-good cousin cause my feelings as a girl to a boy has taken to Red.
It's good to see him. But it's much better to have some long-distance conversation with Red.
Yes, it's good to see him. But that's all.
As a little kiddo I remember how I used to wonder about Yellow and me in future, walking in the aisle this church. But all I wonder now is Red. I'm not sure what he means when he said we'll find the way, someday I'll come to his house and get to know his family more, someday he'll come to mine. Someday I'll cook for him (though my cook is totally disaster right now). Someday we'll be. I think it's obvious that what he wants exactly same with mine. Maybe I'm right, maybe I'm wrong, I have no idea. Maybe he changes his mind later, maybe not. It doesn't matter cause all I could thinking about is him.
I wanna walking down the aisle with Red. I wanna wake up in the morning and the very first faces I saw were his. I wanna hold him tight without fear my daddy will caught us or any fear to anyone or anything whom could make us apart. I love him, now and then, maybe for the rest of my life, and I want to share everything with him. I can't imagine if I had to love anyone else.
I don't know what he thinking about me. Maybe Red have his own opinion and different with me, but that's mine.
Anyway.
I like Yellow. But the one I want to be with is Red. And it reminds me of something. A quotes.

Before you, Bella, my life was like a moonless night. Very dark, but there were stars — points of light and reason… And then you shot across my sky like a meteor. Suddenly everything was on fire; there was brilliancy, there was beauty. When you were gone, when the meteor had fallen over the horizon, everything went black. Nothing had changed, but my eyes were blinded by the light. I couldn’t see the stars anymore. And there was no more reason for anything.

Edward Cullen, New Moon, Chapter 23, p.514

Error 404. Feelings for Yellow are not found.
I've been through a lot things with Red. We seldom got a happy time when everything's just fine, we're in love, no doubt about feelings, no other feelings for third party, etc. It's rough now, but I think as long as we still have each other, that's enough for me.
I remember how he broke my heart first. Second. Third. The number goes on. I'm looking for my own-self protection just in case he do it again one day: that giraffe-secret. Now he knew the truth. It hurts, but he had no idea how big it was for me. That secret is kind of my protection.
And now I have none. So if there's something goes wrong, I'll falling apart and no one, nothing could catch me. I'll be so down and breaking apart, and the damages couldn't be fixed anymore. It won't.
But I love Red and hell yeah, I don't care. I believe him.
I used have a faith over a year ago about Yellow that we'll meet again someday, somehow.
Then it happen.
So I have faiths me and Red are gonna work.
I know it will. We just have to try and wait, wait and see. It works.

Stupid Liar Jerk Bugya.

I know I've been jerk. I'm lying to him about things I've been hide for months.
A truth that will disappoint you. I know it'll makes you mad to me. Probably you'll stop believe in me. It could make you go away from me, which is my number one fear about love.
Giraffe I used to like isn't about an animal. It's about someone. It's about... Yellow.
Red gave a me very cute giraffe doll in our second monthversarry. I was shocked. And guilty. And swear to heaven and earth I will never tell him... maybe for years later.
But lies couldn't stand forever. Someday somehow it appears themselves.
So now he knew.
And I wish I could shot myself. So stupid. I think it's just a little white lie, but since when lie had colors? I'm so damn guilty. It's like the worst crime ever.
I lied to him. And I feel like totally jerks. Liar. Traitor. Whatever bad.
That's worse. But the worst is, I think, a fact that he's just stay in silent.
Said it would be so childish if he get mad and shout out. Said he's disappointing and sad, thought maybe I was not really over Yellow.
Have you ever love somebody? Then you know what it feels when you feel sadder than he felt. And when the reason of sadness is you, don't you think you really could slap your self on face? Punch your own body? I could do more. I hate myself even more.
I thought it's better to keep it hide for his sake. But I actually didn't do it for him. It was for me. That's my back-up plan. I've been so selfish.
Yes, I was in love with Yellow. I've been there for like, nine years or so. It ended last year. I post it here. I was feel numb. It's surely different than get your heart broken. I can't feel anything and somehow it's harder.
Then I met him and he's like changing my whole life. Maybe it sounds hard to believe but it's real.
I love Red. More than I ever love anybody and Yellow.
And yes, I want him, I ONLY wants him in my life. Nobody else, nothing else. Not even Yellow suddenly came and tell me he loves me, screw that I really don't care.
You know what? Cause once you've tastes chocolate, you just prefer chocolate everywhere you go. Candy is sweet, but chocolate give all the taste you could possibly feel. I don't care if Red have a lot point of weakness. Nobody's perfect. I knew that. But he IS perfect for me. Oh I hate this. I wish he never ever doubt me but there we go, lies changes everything.
The only thing I could wish for: I wish he truly believe I love him. No matter what people may say. And no, I'm not gonna leave him no matter what. Yellow probably came, Hugh Jackman flirt to me, any hot guys in Hollywood. I. Won't. Care. I. Don't. Bother.
I love Red. I know I'll always be. Nine years is nothing cause somehow I believe I'm gonna love him more than just 9 years. Maybe 19, 29, 39, 49, 59, maybe the rest of my life, maybe. Who knows? The journey just had begun. And last. I wish he forgive me. I wish he stood still and give me a little chance.
Cause I'm going to prove I could be the one. yeah, I know it sounds way too confident, but I really mean it.

How I met Yellow, falling in love, falling apart, move on and finally, met Red. Everything happen for a reason.

It's been over a year from the last time I meet Yellow. Six months after the last time we've contact. I thought I've said every truth a year ago. Facts about me, adoring him. Facts about him, ignoring me. One year ago I made a bet to myself. If I still can't change his mine after all that time, I'm gonna move on. But I move on faster than I predict. It's all because of Red. So I owe him a lot somehow, but it doesn't mean I take him for granted.
My life seems started with a dream. When I was a little girl, everybody seems interesting about my dream. "What do you wants to be?" Everybody always asked the same. I said I wanna be a pilot, cause I think that's cool when I saw it on Disneyland. I wanna be a designer, when I draw and found out how interesting it was.
But the truth is... I never knew I had a dream until I found you.

It's 3rd Thursday of October 2001. I was nine years old little girl, can't even tie her shoes so I'm using slips on shoes. You were eleven, the leader of 6th grade senior and everybody loves you. They say you're the smartest one. You walked passing me by. And that's how it started. That's how I started to see you, admiring you and somehow, the feeling lasts for years. And it's a long long years.
You used to be the acolyte every Saturday, 5 PM. And that's where I always go, seeing you from the distance. Most people had something fun as their childhood icons. I have you and Church ceremonial every Saturday.

Then I was 13, ready to junior high school. I give my best to be with you, in the same school with you. And I did. You were my mentor on my first week and I'm so grateful cause if you're not, I'll never have you as my friend forever. You're the smartest boy and I'm in misery with physics. It's 2004 and I have to say, that's the best year on some subject. I'm totally happy. I can talk with you, give you a box of chocolate on Valentine, congratulate you a happy birthday. You knew my name, finally, and you greet me when you passed me by. You treat me well and nice, as if I were your little sissy. And that is wrong cause I thought you might be feel the same way like I did. You call me, sent me message, borrow me your book, put your hands on my shoulder. I thought it was heaven. I was wrong.

That's just a step before life drove me to a little hell. It's 2005. You graduate, go to some international school that I completely not possible to enter. Then you left. I cried a lot. Then my mommy passed away. Friends go away, some past away too. Grandpa and grandma die. Pope's gone. I cried even more, blamed myself without any logical reason. I miss you but seems like you're living in a different world with me. I know I gotta let you go. But I can't. One day I look in a mirror and see how ugly I was.
"How could he notice me if I'm ugly as witch, fat like a pig and dumb?" I thought. So I decide to make a breakthrough. I read a lot of book, I learned, I give my best. I had an exercise three times a week, stop eating sweets and go on diet. I drink a supplement, be a veggie for once or twice a week. I bought a girls magazine, learn how to dress up properly, learn how to do some make up and get to know what's the latest fashion. I join the club of famous, doing cheerleader, drama, choir, committee of events, etc. I read more books, learn French (I tried to but it's too hard for me at that age) and English so I able to reading in English.

It's 2007. I'm on my first year of high school, still thinking of you in my dream. You congratulate me a happy birthday and more than ever, I'm so glad cause you remember. But then you go. You're the smartest boy as ever, the leader of the team. I, with my hard work, was a leader of debate club. I did more activities to make you notice. I go prettier than before. There's one or two boys who asked me go out with them. I said no to both of them at the end. I can't help thinking of you everytime I look in their eyes. I actually wish I could fall for them, but somehow I can't. I don't wanna lie to anyone and most of all, to myself.

I studied hard to get a rank. I still go on diet. I read more books and fashion magazine. But that's useless cause you don't give me some time to prove that I'm changing. I'm not the fat little dumb girl you used to know. I'm not saying I'm beautiful and smart, but at least I'm better than I was.
But you are you. You are damn-cursed genius. It's lucky to you having a good brain like that, and a bad luck for me. You got that scholarship of chemistry. There you go to NTU. Singapore. It miles away from here. And like usual, I have say nothing to you to make you notice someone like me. I let you go before you know what I feel for you is real. I miss you a lot, and sometimes it's sad to go to neighborhood, to places I was saw you but you're not there.
A boy, my classmates, let's cal him Platypus (that's my animal nick for him, actually lol), came just after you gone. Still I can't see him. There's only you in my eyes. And you're so faraway, its' like out of reach. He said it's time to let you go cause 7 years in love is pretty crazy for 17-years-old girl like me.
Then an idea popped in head. Why don't I see you there? In Singapore!
Based from that silly idea, I studied harder. I had two novels finished, and I can say it's a dedication for you. My high school years filled with books, study, a dream and you to fight for. I go to test... I know I actually can made it. But I'm not smart like you and I can't get the scholarship. My ideal major is art. Where the hell would I find a scholarship in fashion? And my Dad change his mind in the last minutes and shit happens. I can't go to you. And I can't studied fashion too. It's hitting me all at once. It's crazy! It's sad and I live in misery, again. I can't get what I want to learn fashion, and the worst part is I cannot go to you. It feels like I'm stuck and trapped in hometown. And you have a girl. She's pretty. And goddamn genius too just like you. I can't beat her. I was down and falling apart.

I was about to moving on, letting you go and pretend nothing ever happened. But the hardest thing to do is pretending you're fine when you're not. How could I forgot you just like that when the truth came out? You are my childhood, and my teen-life, too. I spent 8 years of my life. Loving you, give my best to make you notice me! I want you recognize me as a young woman, not a kiddo. That's simple. Then I'm thinking about one last try.
My cousins got a chance to study abroad for 6 months with his school in Bandung. A tourism school. That is something I can do, but not something I wanna do. But thoughts if I did, I might get the same chance with him and I can see you there even for a while. I have gone mad. Platypus tell me crazy and I should stop chasing you, but it doesn't makes me stop. It makes me even crazier than I ever be. Seeing me losing my mind, I'm glad Platypus stop bothering me.

Then there I go, I went to Bandung. But while I'm fighting a new life, it seems like I forgot my purpose. I suddenly tired of chasing you. I mean, 9 years with no solution or conclusion at all? I know I might be the stupidest person ever. So I sent you a messages cause it's hard to say it face to face. Besides, I don't have that courage and you're just faraway. I told you, cause you don't understand my gesture and things I did for you. You still seeing me as a little girl.
But while I'm waiting you answer, I lost my moods or feelings. I became numb, I surrender. I met a guy and he's interesting, but somehow I still thinking of you. When the answer came, I know that's exactly your answer. My guess is totally right. You're such a good guy. What surprising me is... you asked me go out with you. I should be excited. Happy more than ever. It's like a dream come true, when a guy I've been waiting for 9 years asked me to grab some coffee with him. Again, I feel numb. No pain, no happiness, just a plain empty feeling. And when I'm like losing the earth and can't stop shaking down, that interesting guy once again.
It's Red.
He's taken when I know him, and I actually have nothing to do with him even though I like him. See, I still can't move on. Not that easy. I mean, how am I supposed to erased all about you and give him my heart when you're the biggest part of me ever since? But he come closer to me, something I never thought he would. I was out of confidence. I bet her girlfriend is prettier than me.
You might think I'm so shallow but that's a worldwide-national facts. Guy wants the prettiest girl he could get, wants the best girl in the world. What? I'm trying to be a good girl for 9 years and still I can't make you look at me, can't make you admit I've been changed in physically and intellectuality. I still can't make you love me and you want me to believe that guy who thinks I'm prettier without any makeups on is exist? Near me? I don't think so.
Then how could a guy from nowhere thinks I'm interesting? Either he's crazy and blind... or he's a good guy. What am I supposed to say? We met in student orientation when I'm in the worst shape of the year! We live in a military camp for three days and I'm ugly like a monster. How could he likes me at that time? I'm terrible and messy. But I'll never know how. He just did it.
He listen to what I say, not like you, of course. I can speak freely. I always like history and he listen when I tell him how Dante Alighieri made Beatrix Portinari as his muse. He doesn't even know who is Dante but still, he listen to me.

He thinks I'm smart. I never dare even to think if I am smart when you was there to be my comparison. No matter how high the score I had, you're The Highness. I'll never can beat you up. And you'll never think I'm smart enough too. You're a genius. And I'm just an ordinary people with ordinary brain.
He's funny and I can be myself when I'm with him. Something I would never could to do with you. You're perfect enough so I always wanna be perfect enough for you. But I will never be.
He takes me what I am. I don't have to change myself to him. He thinks I'm good enough as my own self. And it feels like home. Finally, after years I try to get you attention, I lose something important. I lose myself. But Red came and remind me that I still the owner of my own self and heart. He's kinda help me to find a real me and except it no matter what.
But the best part of all, he make me loves him. Just like he loves me. I know, I kinda steal him from his girlfriend. But didn't he did the same to you? And Platypus? Yeah, poor guy. Platypus was shocked when I told him I'm over you and taken with Red at once. I'm sorry for him but he's my friend. A good friend of mine and it's impossible to see him more than friend. At first he still be my besties.
I have my own problem with Red, too. He was confused to choose between me or, you know. And I hate to see that, so I decide to let him go just like I let you go. I broke up with him three times, I'm tired and give up with him. I told him to go away and back to her, while I'm thinking if it's possible if I back to you. Or maybe I'll stay with Platypus. He's a good guy too, and he's been waiting for a time for me. I think I probably not designed to be loved. Not by you, not by Red. Our first three moths it's the hardest. He's thinking about her, I'm thinking about you. So much tears of me wasted, drama, and pain. But somehow we still together. I don't know why. I'm too much in pain with Red, with you, I'm tired of love. I hate love, but still I need a shelter.
Just when I thought I'm going to Platypus, cause I believe he wouldn't dare to hurt me, Red made up his mind. I give him the second and third chance. He waste it. I give him last fourth chance though I'm not sure and still feel insecure. It last from October until today. Platypus fed up with me, he's surrender a month ago.

I don't know what's the point of this long story. Maybe I just wanna tell you thing you don't know. You waste me and make me lost myself and my self-confidence. But you see, these guys thinks I'm enough and worth to fight for. They see things you didn't see in me.
But your rejection had opened my eyes. I wouldn't falling for Red if you loves me back cause I was so sincere and I was actually believe you and me could lasts more than a lifetime, only if you feel the same way too. Thank you for everything. All the shattered hopes you ever gave to me, somehow, it changes me a lot. And if I don't love you once and decide go to Bandung, I will never have a chance to met someone like Red. Someone whom I believe, would be my last. You're the first, but he's my last. It sounds good in my ears though.
Now I'm 19 and you 21. It's 2011.
It's been ten years. I wonder what you do, wonder how's your life.
Wonder if we met last year, what my life would be?
What if I let Red go?
What if I get you back then?
I think I should be thankful cause you're like mannequin, cold as ice and hard like a stone. Cause if you don't treat me badly, I probably more in love with you and I wouldn't meet Red.
And next week you'll be in hometown. I probably see you here. But it doesn't affect me anymore. You're a past for me. But still I wish you the best. I still love you as an old friend of mine. I would care for you if you're near, but the truth is you're not. And the only one I would care about is Red. The one I'll cherish. Now and forever. Forever and a day. Just till my life is through. And maybe longer.

Okay. I wrote a bunch of bullshit here. Gotta go.

The Very Last Goodbye

So lately I notice that two of my friend are on her way to move on, forget the past and have some new love life. They knew what I've been going through in last three years, how hard I've been try and put the biggest efforts to get over with my past. How I make a little last try and failed, how I've been struggle with myself. Blame myself for not doing well, disappoint with myself and family's rules, mad with no one but my diary. I gotta admit that it's damn tough. And now I'm happy for them, too, cause they finally find a good way to move on. At least the bad things didn't come to them all at once like me.

Couple days ago I found a good song with a very beautiful yet strong lyric. The singer named Nina Girado, she's Philippines, and the tittle is 'Someday'. Here the lyrics:

Someday you'll gonna realize
One day you'll see through my eyes
But then I won't even be there
I'll be happy somewhere
Even if I can't

I know
You don't really see my worth
You think your the last guy on earth
Well I've got news for you
I know I'm not that strong
But it won't take long
Won't take long

Chorus

Coz someday, someone's gonna love me
The way, I want you to need me
Someday, someone's gonna take your place
One day I'll forget about you
You'll see, I won't even miss you
Someday, someday

But now
I know you can't tell
I'm down,and I'm not down anyway
But one day these tears
They will all run dry
I won't have to cry
Sweet goodbye

Chorus

Coz someday, someone's gonna love me
The way, I want you to need me
Someday, someone's gonna take your place
One day I'll forget about you
You'll see, I won't even miss you
Someday, someday

And that was perfectly fit for me. Even now the song woulds still be perfect for me, just to remind me about how strong I actually am. Someday, someone's gonna love me the way I want you to need me. Yes. I'm proving that song right now.

Today I was chat with my bestie and she asked me about my love life. It's perfect enough though it's not, I answered. Cause when I have someone to hold my hands when I'm afraid and make me laugh in the middle of blue days, I won't even think about someone who will never love me back.

So now it's official. Goodbye Singapore's Flyer. I won't even notice you from now on.

And Red, I ♥ you that much. More than I can say in words, more than I could show in my panics.

G-Red

How could I miss someone that I never have even for a while? How can I miss G, to remember I actually never share memories with G?

My life has it's cycle. Just one dream and it's blew up. My decision to leave disappear, my wish to taste it come backs, my sense blur. G ruin my life with just one silly daydream. And with just one greeting, G's got me crazy. G's almost perfect in my eyes: he's definitely genius, has a big ambition, knows what he want to do, what he wants to have and he's working on it, and the best part, he's G. My G, and I think he always be. G owned everything, every part of me, even the littlest and the slightest part.

I used to think that all I ever wanted is G. It was, but it is? What about now, after all this past 6 months? When I declare to let him go, move on and in love with Red?

I'm IN love with Red. And I was crazy about every parts in G. I used to believe that there's a difference between them. Cause love, I think, it's when he loves you too. And if he's not, I guess that's not love.

But for now, the difference is very slight.. and I can't really see things clear right now. I can tell whom do I really care about, is it G or Red than I'll choose if someone asked me to choose. I don't know what's happen to me, I have no idea what my heart wants to say. Seems like my sense get sick and I can sense nothing at all.

Question: Can you give your love to someone else and share your dream with other?
Answer: lot of question marks.