There's still a hope for human kindness. Thanks God!

So much for twenty!

Umur gue baru 19 tapi setahun ini gue ngerasa beban yang gue pikul rasanya agak terlalu banyak. Dan gue kewalahahan. Gue pernah denger ada kutipan yang bilang kalo umur dua puluhan bukanlah usia yang mudah. Hell yeah, I'm nineteen and life give me so much damn!
Belakangan ini semuanya melelahkan banget. Bikin capek. Bikin gila. Well maybe I lose my mind already. Harusnya sekarang gue bikin tugas iklan-iklan nggak penting itu, never mind lah ya namanya juga nggak penting. Ngapain juga gue bikin tugas kayak gitu. Kadang gue ngebayangin kalo ada yang nanya ke gue apa yang pengen gue katakan ke keluarga gue. And here's the words.

THANKS FOR RUINING MY CHILDHOOD, MY TEENAGE, MY DREAM AND HELL YEAH THAT'S MY LIFE YOU RUIN NOW! I HATE THIS STUPID ADS AND HATE LIVING IN THIS FUCKING RETARDED CITY! I'LL HATE YOU FOREVER AND FUCK Y'ALL!

Tapi cursing hanya kata-kata dan sama sekali nggak merumah keadaan, bahkan suasana hati gue pun nggak. Setiap malam sebelum tidur gue sering memikirkan semua ini. Apa yang salah? Dimana yang salah? Siapa yang salah? Dan sekalipun semua salah gue, pantaskan gue mendapatkan ini sebagai hukuman? I don't wanna sounds like girls who can't move on with her life and deals with all problems but this is my dream we've talked about, and that was the main reason why I put so much efforts and sacrifices, give up everything I had only to know that couple of months later, I lose everything and left with nothing.

Seriously, God? This is what You called 'a plan' for me? Are you kidding me? Cause it's not funny and I'm not laughing.

Burden

Life is pretty simple. But no one said it would be easy. Sometimes I wonder why it has to be so complicated. People in my ages didn't get what I've been through and somehow it's not fair.
I'm half dying but barely still breathing.
It's been 6 months and nothing's easier. It's even harder. It's totally sucker.
I wonder why I'm still breathing, wonder why I'm still alive without wanting to continue it any longer, wonder why I'm even born if I got to live in big misery like this. It's just crazy how I have to survived in place named home when the atmosphere here's not better than first and second world war.
It's tiring and sad, pathetic, hell and well, I'm living in the hell of the earth! Your family hates you but you gotta listen what they said as if it written in the stars, they forbid to hangout or do what I want to, I gotta stay at home ALL DAY LONG from March till tonight, I'm stuck here and it feels like I'll never ever go out from here anymore. And if that's happen, I actually prefer to live in the street and be a beggar than here.
There's a moment, a real one, when I think to just end all of this pain in a stupid way. The burden is crazy and I'm really done.
But the truth is not like I want to die. I actually wants still living this world, but I wonder how to still alive in this messy situation. I don't wanna die, I simply don't know how to live.
And when I feel like wanting to be disappear, I actually wants to be found. I want someone knows my lies when I said I'm fine, someone who would see me through, saying how much I've been trying and share my pain with them.
I'm tired and God, please take this burden from me.

Do you hear me, God? ANYTHING,ANYTHING

Sekarang malem minggu. Biasanya gue ke gereja sore sama Kambing, abis itu makan ayam di warung kaki lima langganan kita terus ke kosan gue dan nonton tivi sampe malem. Atau bisa juga kita lazy Saturday dari brunch bareng sampe malem.
Gue bener-bener kangen banget sama kehidupan gue disana. Banget.
Lama kelamaan rasanya apa yang gue pernah alami di Bandung itu kayak cuma mimpi, sesuatu yang nggak benar-benar terjadi. Karena sampai sekarang gue kadang suka bangun tidur dari mimpi buruk... dan menyadari kalau gue sedang menjalani mimpi buruk yang lain, yakni kehidupan yang sekarang gue jalanin. Itulah kenapa gue paling males kalo harus tidur malem, apalagi dapet mimpi indah. I hate sweet dreams. I can't take the heartache of waking up and that's damn hurts so bad.
Bisa dibilang kehidupan gue di Bandung adalah masa yang paling membahagiakan yang pernah gue rasain. Dan sekarang gue balik ke Jakarta dan kehidupan lama gue... it almost feels like hell of the earth.
Gue bukannya mau bersikap cengeng dan mengeluh terus-terusan. Well gue memang cengeng.
Gue cuma berharap ada sesuatu yang bisa gue lakukan untuk mendapatkan kehidupan lama gue lagi. Dan kalo itu bisa terjadi, I swear I'm gonna give up anything I had.
ANYTHING.
Dan kenapa gue bisa bilang gini? Karena sekarang nggak ada yang tersisa disini. I had nothing. Teman, best friends, dream job, I lose everything I had, now I had nothing and it feels like I can shoot myself to death right away.

So no one told you life was going be this way

Nggak ada yang tahu kehidupan bakal jadi seperti ini, entah itu baik atau buruk. Setahun yang lalu gue masih have-no-idea bakal ketemu seseorang kayak si Kambing (gue putuskan untuk menyebutnya demikian kalo nulis dalam bahasa Indonesia, karena nama Red bakal bikin ini kedengeran lebih aneh).
Ada satu rahasia. Dan sumpah demi Neptunus, gue nggak pernah ceritain ini ke siapa-siapa karena dua hal. Pertama, ini memalukan. Kedua, kedengerannya pathetic banget. Dan ketiga, ini memalukan.
One year back, sebagai mahasiswi first year kita ada masa orientasi dimana sekelas suruh bari berderet dan memperkenalkan diri dengan cara "yang seunik" mungkin. Dan Ka Arif (one of best senior-pals) mention kalo kita pun harus nyebutin status kita apaan. Perkenalan dimulai dari deret paling kiri, which is isinya anak-anak cowok semua.
Pas giliran kambing maju ke depan dan memperkenalkan diri, gue nggak memperhatikan dia kecuali di satu bagian.
Status.
Dan alasan kenapa gue menganggap bagian itu penting adalah karena... I'm kinda have a crush with him. Lalu saat dia maju... dia nggak single saat itu. Merasa sedikit terpukul (meski gue tau I had no rights about that), gue memutuskan untuk mengubah apa yang ingin gue sampaikan saat gue maju memperkenalkan diri nanti.
Sebelum si Kambing maju, jawaban yang ingin gue katakan tadinya begini: status single, nggak punya pacar, titik. Simpel aja kan.
Dan setelah gue denger apa kata dia saat introducing, jawaban gue berubah jadi begini: saya memutuskan untuk tetap single sampai bisa mandiri dan karena pengen fokus sama kuliah dulu.
Kedengerannya sok banget kan.
Jawaban itu meluncur begitu aja setelah mengetahu crush-target gue ternyata udah ada yang punya. Dan itu menyedihkan banget karena pada saat itu, akhirnya setelah tahun-tahun yang panjang dan hampa, I actually have a crush. Gue punya orang yang gue suka dan menurut gue itu ya lumayan hebat. Back then, I used to wonder if I'm capable enough to fall in love again or even flirting. Dan saat gue ngeliat Kambing pas ospek, I was thinking maybe we could be a good friend. Dan saat kita pada akhirnya berkumpul di satu kelas yang sama, gue nggak sadar perasaan gue kalo gue suka dia (karena, oke, dia lucu, charming, somehow looks... good in my eyes. Kalo kamu baca ini please please please anggep aja aku nggak ngomong begini barusan).
Gue yang setahun lalu adalah seorang quitters of love, nggak mau sekali lagi dikendalikan hidupnya karena perasaan, nggak mau mengalami kisah menyedihkan karena bertepuk sebelah tangan. Dan entah kenapa saat gue ngeliat dia, gue merasa 'kasta' gue berbeda sama dia, as if I were the nerdy of the class and he's the famous one. Nggak ada ceritanya dua kubu yang bertentangan itu menemukan titik persamaan, and I used to bet that his girlfriend must be the kinda of another girl: pretty, skinny, charming, and also the famous one. Dan menyukai orang seperti itu hanya akan menambah daftar yang menyedihkan dalam hidup gue.
Bahkan saat dia SMS gue untuk pertama kalinya, gue berpikir dia terpaksa SMS gue hanya karena ada perlu aja. Lalu saat gue blaik ke rumah buat weekend, gue menyadari satu hal yang berbeda daripada saat gue berada di rumah terakhir kalinya.
Gue mikirin dia. Dan pikiran tentang dia itu cukup banyak dan intens.
Sekarang Kambing semester tiga dan barusan gue selesai telponan. Dia udah ngantuk dan tadinya gue juga ngantuk dan berniat langsung tidur, tapi gue rasanya pengen nulis sesuatu saat gue meletakkan kepala di bantal. Besok pengumuman penerimaan mahasiswa baru gue di sebuah sekolah periklanan di Kebayoran keluar, dan berdasarkan tes yang gue jalanin hari ini, untuk pertama kalinya gue nggak yakin bakal diterima di perguruan tinggi swasta. Tes hari ini ngaco banget, padahal seharusnya gue bisa. Alesannya konyol. Hanya karena ada seseorang di ruangan itu yang make parfum yang sama kayak Kambing dan bum! Gue kehilangan konsentrasi. Maklum anak ADHD.
Setahun yang lalu gue nggak akan tahu bakal begini jadinya. Gue nggak tahu gue bakal di deportasi balik ke hometown, dan gue juga nggak tahu gue ternyata capable untuk memiliki sesuatu yang berharga seperti apa yang gue miliki sama Kambing.
Gila aja. Dia nggak komplain dengerin ocehan mimpi gue yang aneh-aneh setiap hari. Nggak capek dengerin gue bertingkah kayak anak-anak dan aneh. And the best part. He even willing to wait for me. Gue nggak bisa memberikan kepastian apa-apa buat dia. Ketemu aja susah, teleponan harus diem-diem, ribet banget. Tapi dia tetap berada di tempatnya seperti biasa. Tetep support gue. Tetep menyayangi gue dengan segala kekurangan gua yang banyak banget ini.
Dan soal mimpi gue yang aneh-aneh itu bikin Kmabing punya feeling kalau mungkin bakal ada sesuatu yang terjadi setelah ini. Dan itu bukan hal yang baik. Semoga aja bukan sesuatu yang berhubungan dengan dia, karena kalau ada hal buruk sekecil apapun menimpa dia, please God, biar gue yang menanggungnya. Itulah yang bakal lo lakukan kalau sayang sama seseorang. Lebih milih sesuatu yang buruk menimpa kita ketimbang orang itu kenapa-kenapa.
Gue bener-bener berharap pengumuman besok gue diterima. Karena kalo nggak, artinya bakal semakin lama waktu sampai gue ketemu dia lagi. Sedih banget karena gue nggak yakin bisa ketemu dia minggu ini apa nggak, padahal ini liburan dan dia nggak sesibuk biasanya. Setahun yang lalu gue nggak tahu hidup gue bakal jadi seindah/seburuk ini. Dan hari ini pun gue nggak tahu apa yang bakal terjadi besok. Satu jam di dunia benar-benar bisa merubah hidup seseorang 360 derajat.
Dan gue nggak bisa kayak orang-orang lain yang que sera sera, whatever will be, will be. Gue bukan tipe orang seperti itu. Mungkin kedengerannya gue berpikiran dangkal karena gue begiut keras kepala mempertahankan semua ini. But you know what? I've lost so many people I love before. Dan sekarang gue punya seseorang yang bener-bener gue sayang dan orang ini sangat penting untuk gue, bukannya wajar aja kalo gue nggak mau dia terluka sedikitpun? Gue lelah kalo harus kehilangan orang-orang yang gue sayang dengan alasan apapun.
Dan karena gue sayang banget sama Kambing, gue nggak pengen menjauh dari dia dengan alasan apapun.
So God, if You hear me, here I am. You can took everything I had but him. I guess.

HE and he.

Life is rough.
There's actually many times when my faith faded and I lost my hope.
But there he is. As we talking. he mention HIM.
Standing far away for me yet it feels so close. Just like him.
And when I hear the smile I just knew.
That's why I gotta be tough.
It's HIM and him.

Just Want To Know

In 1996, a thief came into an insurance building and wants to take a safety-box. He can’t open it till the dawn, so he tries to take the box out by windows. Sadly, the box that so heavy fell down to his body and then he died. Police found out the body few hours later. There’s nothing in that box. It’s a very empty safety-box.

Hey, blog. I haven’t write for a while cause I got the most craziest weeks to national examination and etc. Anyway, I read that super-irony-true-story in a free magazine in my house’s area yesterday. It’s funny at first, then when I thinking about it, it gave me a new thought about life. That whatever we try to do, our plan even the most perfect one, no one could guarantee that it could be done.
I wonder if it’s same with fate and destiny stuff. Well, I don’t really believe that fate is really does exist. But I kinda believe in destiny and I substitution ‘fate’ words to ‘something that should be happen’ or ‘one of God’s plan’.

And it brings me to the next question. Could it be, by some chance, that we can change our future? I don’t mean to disrespect God and thinks that everything will still good even I don’t believe in Him, no way. I still believe that in my imagination, God had more than thousands plan for us. He may think, “If she goes this way, she will meet her ex-classmates that she loved once. But if she turns back and take another way, she’ll meet a new guy that will fall for her.” I truly believe that no option, no day is terrible and ‘bad day’ is used by people who are tearful, can’t see a good point in the worst, childish and take life too serious. Well, life is serious but sometimes there’s a humor in it, no? Turns the depression into laugh and jokes, then you’ll be alright.

Back to a question that spinning around in my head, could we chance the things that people call fate? Can we chance our future? It’s make a sense enough for me that we will never can change the past but future. But how far we could chance it? What if we change our life—ourselves mostly—and we trapped in some situation that God don’t write it down in our scenario of life (which is almost equal with a very bad life)?

Okay, I decided to make a list of my question to God if I meet Him one day by chance (surely it would be my day of death). Here it is, imagine if I were talk to him with light conversation:

1. Why You let me saw my senior and make me fallen for him, then waiting in vain without any sense for years? Why can’t I forget it? (very unpredictable, so-me-question)


2. How could You make a human with the organs, DNA and cell stuff? How? A man’s DNA is like a journey from earth to moon?


3. And yeah, why don’t You fulfill the universe with oxygen? Why there’s no gravitation in there?


4. Why You sent a human to live in the world if he/she will be a serial killer for people?


5. How You make the prophets write your saying and join ever piece of paper into a Bible?


6. If I were a boy, what my life would be? If he’s a girl, will I still loves him and make it mine when I can say my own confession cause a man can say what girls not able to say better? And if he’s still a boy, will I be a gay?


7. Why you forbid and curse them because they were wrong? Is it You the one who makes their heart not from stone? Then why? Sorry, I know this is rude but I couldn’t help myself to ask it for years.


8. If my mommy didn’t get ALS, my sister didn’t die and my brother still here, what my family would be?


9. What if I’m a princess? Will I be a good Queen?


10. If I live in 17 or 18th century, can I write a better novel than Jane Austen? Sorry, I’m just too confidence in my boldness.


11. Why You let John Lennon or Martin Luther King or Abraham Lincoln died in their middle of age? And why Boy was dead when Coco Chanel loves him too much? (well, that’s my question when I was watched the movie)


12. Is it true than Neil Amstrong is the first one who walks in the moon?


13. Is ghost really does exist? Not only a human’s imagination?


14. What Morrie Schwartz and John Paul II do in heaven? And my family in there?


15. Why Emily Dickinson and Jane Austen never married?

Okay, that's enough.