See, I'm Get Back On My Back!

I didn't write much in June, month when I'm officially twenty years old. And somehow it seems like I'm get back on my feet (finally) and I'm glad. Though some things still left undone, unsettle and felt overrated for me somehow.

Anyway, this is a year of me. Just some photos I thought it would describe my life since last August when I started the first semester. I think I'm doing it pretty well. I got 2 A's (but, sadly, 2 C's) in first semester. The exam result for the second semester still a mystery but I gotta good feeling cause in midtest I have 3 A's and one-almost-A (I can't velieve I lost 0.1 point for an A so sadly I got B), bust I have apply for a scholarship and I hope it'll turn out well. 

MC-ing ITKP Rooftop Session Volume. 1, a talkshow with the expert.
(Left to right) Me, Feisal (a senior, my MC partner, whom I've just met 20 minutes before the event), Rama Mamuaya (founder mydailysocial.net), Edy Khemod (Seringai's drummer, creative director of Cerahati) and Mas Bay (my teacher as moderator). They surpisingly looks like a young folks, huh?

I decided to pulled off House of Bugya. Instead, I used Grandma's middle name.
And it's not like an online shopping is interesting, easy job to do though.

Daily activities, thinking of Red!

Still I miss you every second. Even in the class.

One of quality time with bros!

Yeah, about that. I passed out of vertigo, fell down and hit the iron trellis of my windows.
I'm bleeding but thank God, no scar lefts :)

One of my 20th birthday present from  Red, a bouquette of roses!

PET!!! I HAVE A PUPPY NOW!
She's half Golden Retriever and Dobberman, named Cipluk. I love her and at some point I thought this might be what it's like to have a children. LOL.
No, seriously.

Addicted to shooping in Scoop Ideas!

This what the rose bouquette looks like in a month. Still keep it. Will keep it forever.

This one piece of withered Red roses. He gave it to me in 2010.
One late night when I'm just get ready to bed, he call me and asked me to wait in gate of my (ex) boarding house.
He gave me this, a kiss for lips, a kiss in forehead, say goodnight and left.

Little unofficial reunion. Minus Glory. I miss her so bad.

My presentation about retro ads and moder ads in vintage style.

Family gathering. Grandma's 80th party.

Love letter reading to Trias. LOL.

2011!

On my Uncle's wedding. Yep. I'm ugly, even more when I took a picture with famous people.
Noted for self: WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?! 

Cousins.

Another gangs reunion.

Beyonce - Listen

Listen to the song here in my heart

A melody I start but can't complete

Listen to the sound from deep within

It's only beginning to find release

Oh, the time has come for my dreams to be heard

They will not be pushed aside and turned

Into your own all 'cause you won't

Listen

Listen, I am alone at a crossroads

I'm not at home in my own home

And I've tried and tried to say what's on mind

You should have known

Oh, now I'm done believing you

You don't know what I'm feeling

I'm more than what you made of me

I followed the voice you gave to me

But now I've gotta find my own

You should have listened, there is someone here inside

Someone I thought had died so long ago

Oh, I'm screaming out and my dreams'll be heard

They will not be pushed aside on words

Into your own all 'cause you won't

Listen

Listen, I am alone at a crossroads

I'm not at home in my own home

And I've tried and tried to say what's on mind

You should have known

Oh, now I'm done believing you

You don't know what I'm feeling

I'm more than what you made of me

I followed the voice you gave to me

But now I've gotta find my own

I don't know where I belong

But I'll be moving on

If you don't, if you won't

Listen to the song here in my heart

A melody I start but I will complete

Oh, now I'm done believing you

You don't know what I'm feeling

I'm more than what you made of me

I followed the voice you think you gave to me

But now I've gotta find my own, my own

This happens when you live in hell

I hate my family. Not because I want to, but they give me too much reason and that makes me do. I honestly have no idea whom I live with. Everybody's changing, even my little brother sometimes seems like join their side against me. I know I'm living a hell, but this week is the hardest part of the month, I guess.
My aunt mad at me because I'm coming home late on two last Sunday, working on my group task that not  easy to make. She gave me silent treatment and judge me like I'm a bad girl or something. Nobody at home talks to me for like 5 days. Last Friday we went to groceries and I thought it's getting better, but suddenly she gave me another silent treatment the very next day for reason I don't even know! I always come home late cause my school is far, it's like 2 hours distance and Jakarta's traffic is crazy as hell. There's no food when I come home, and I'm so hungry but my daily pocket money can't buy me food. I had to pay the transport and because of the distance, it's pretty expensive. Couple days ago I'm so starving but I can't eat instants anymore cause I've been ate it for like forever as that's the only food in house. I drank some mineral water, wish it could helps.
But when I come down to living room for another glass of water, I saw they just finished their dinner. Without me. Without telling me, or buy me some, or even leaving me some. That's sad and crazy. They judges me, they ruin my life, they ruin my dream, they let me down and now they don't even gave me food?
Today I woke up late and she already gone. No pocket money for today. I got a presentation today and now I wonder how to pay the transport.
It's a sad, pathetic life I got. And if there's no Red who missing me from where he are, I might grab a knife and better kill myself now.

So much for twenty!

Umur gue baru 19 tapi setahun ini gue ngerasa beban yang gue pikul rasanya agak terlalu banyak. Dan gue kewalahahan. Gue pernah denger ada kutipan yang bilang kalo umur dua puluhan bukanlah usia yang mudah. Hell yeah, I'm nineteen and life give me so much damn!
Belakangan ini semuanya melelahkan banget. Bikin capek. Bikin gila. Well maybe I lose my mind already. Harusnya sekarang gue bikin tugas iklan-iklan nggak penting itu, never mind lah ya namanya juga nggak penting. Ngapain juga gue bikin tugas kayak gitu. Kadang gue ngebayangin kalo ada yang nanya ke gue apa yang pengen gue katakan ke keluarga gue. And here's the words.

THANKS FOR RUINING MY CHILDHOOD, MY TEENAGE, MY DREAM AND HELL YEAH THAT'S MY LIFE YOU RUIN NOW! I HATE THIS STUPID ADS AND HATE LIVING IN THIS FUCKING RETARDED CITY! I'LL HATE YOU FOREVER AND FUCK Y'ALL!

Tapi cursing hanya kata-kata dan sama sekali nggak merumah keadaan, bahkan suasana hati gue pun nggak. Setiap malam sebelum tidur gue sering memikirkan semua ini. Apa yang salah? Dimana yang salah? Siapa yang salah? Dan sekalipun semua salah gue, pantaskan gue mendapatkan ini sebagai hukuman? I don't wanna sounds like girls who can't move on with her life and deals with all problems but this is my dream we've talked about, and that was the main reason why I put so much efforts and sacrifices, give up everything I had only to know that couple of months later, I lose everything and left with nothing.

Seriously, God? This is what You called 'a plan' for me? Are you kidding me? Cause it's not funny and I'm not laughing.

Well it's still hurts to know how happy I used to be

It's funny how past could kill you... still.Today is my Mommy's birthday. She should be forty-something by now, but her age just stopped. She's no longer aging, no longer here, and I think it would make a big difference is she's still here. I miss her, but the truth is past just killing me.
To remind how good my life was back then. Six years ago, even eight months ago when I was pursue my dream to be an event planner or traveler.
I miss all good things that used to happen in my life.

Demi Lovato - Skyscraper

Skies are crying,
I am watching,
Catching teardrops in my hands.
Only silence, as it's ending,
Like we never had a chance.
Do you have to make me feel
Like there's nothing left of me?

You can take everything I have,
You can break everything I am,
Like I'm made of glass,
Like I'm made of paper.
Go on and try to tear me down.
I will be rising from the ground,
Like a skyscraper,
Like a skyscraper.

As the smoke clears,
I awaken,
And untangle you from me.
Would it make you feel better
To watch me, while I bleed?
All my windows still are broken,
But I'm standing on my feet.

You can take everything I have,
You can break everything I am,
Like I'm made of glass,
Like I'm made of paper.
Go on and try to tear me down.
I will be rising from the ground,
Like a skyscraper,
Like a skyscraper.

Go run, run, run.
I'm gonna stay right here,
Watch you disappear.
Yeah, ohh.
Go run, run, run.
Yeah, it's a long way down,
But I am closer to the clouds,
Up here.

You can take everything I have,
You can break everything I am,
Like I'm made of glass,
Like I'm made of paper.

Ohhh

Go on and try to tear me down.
I will be rising from the ground,
Like a skyscraper,
Like a skyscraper.
(Like a skyscraper)
Like a skyscraper,
Like a skyscraper.

WHATTHEFFFF....FORK.

You know what? I'm just tired. Not to this, my, life but people around me. I'm tired of being angry, sad, cry and desperately still alive. I'm tired of being tired.
Can't I just live my life and being happy? Gosh, give me a break.

I Wish I Could Dissapear But Frankly, I Want To Be Found :(

I desperately wants to get out from this prison. It's not my home. It's Guantanamo. What would I give to live my own life in freedom and happiness? I would give up everything. Except Red, surely.
Let me out from here, take me away. I don't care where we'll go as long as I'm away from this jail. I don't care if I'll never came back. Please just let me go :(

A Piece of Regret

I just thought, what kind of person I'll become later? Maybe next year, 3 years, 5 years or probably 10 years later?

Today I was take a look into my friends' life. And they looks happy with their life. I feel jealous, envy for a while, to realize that my life wasn't that great. A boy friend of mine are studying in the Bandung Technology Institute, he takes astronomy major and he used to play along with me when we were in elementary school. My girl friend, my ex friend in junior high are studying on there, too. My best friend in junior high went to Auckland, my ex-classmates in senior high went to Australia, my other ex-classmates went to Jakarta's Art Institute and being a movie maker, my ex-toddler group went to Singapore and learn fashion in the NAFA (and that's exactly I want to be a year ago).

And what about myself today? Well I'm not gonna say that I'm stuck in Bandung or something like that. I feel good to have myself in there and thank God I'm not in Jakarta cause my life would suck if I have a college life in here, I'll never get my liberty in here. I'm just an ordinary girl in a national tourism school. I learn how to managed some event perfectly and..

I don't know. I thought my life in Bandung were fun. In day I become a good student and when the night comes, sometimes, I went out to somewhere with pals and that's all. I should pleased with that, I should satisfied with that. And I was, but today I'm not.

I can talk to no one about this cause I don't think anyone will understand my point of view or what I actually want.. If Red read this post, maybe he'll understand somehow.. and understand why I don't want to be here, safe in my home. Cause I feel no happiness in here. I could be happy for a while, in days when I don't think about it and try to convince myself that everything's gonna be alright..

But when I wake up in a morning, to think about things I might have if only my Dad knows what I actually want to have, what I really want to reach in my own life, I'm drowning in my own tears. I don't think I asked too much. I just want to live a life that I love.

You know what, sometimes I feel like he always make me choose the path he wants me to choose, not my own path of life. To think about a year ago, I was so down cause he breaks my dream and somebody (I don't blame him) or maybe something ruin my life all at once. Nobody know that I've got a crazy mental breakdown a year ago. And I never share it to anybody (except Jean who always care and understand, somehow) and it's drove me crazy lately.

A year ago, in my last year in senior high school, I'm ready to face anything if I allowed to enter a fashion school. If I have to be pitty in one or two first year, I'm ready and I'll say "Let it be." In my head I kept thinking, maybe my life would be hard. But that's fine cause I'd rather take a chance than have myself drowning in regrets when I'm too old to do what I want, with all the responsibility and blah blah blah. I was ready, then it just disappear so easily. I am my daddy's little girl so I have to be in line he wants to.

And see? I spent my days with nothing but wondering what if I have more power to some riot and fight for my dream. I'm in the second biggest regret right now. Though I'm in the major that I want to learn, Bandung wasn't even my third choice. It was my last choice, the choice that I'll take only if I failed. It's my last back-up plan, the plan that I took with sighs and I wish I never take it but I took.

My first one was fashion design. Or fashion business and retail, it doesn't matter for me. But thay thought I would like Visual Communication Design. That's different but they don't care.
The second was creative writing and literature, to be a screen writer. And sadly, I don't get the seat in university I want to.
The third was movie maker, but they told me to do advertisement and I don't want it. Can't they see the difference of screen writer and advertising?
And the last, the very last choice. Tourism. I like it, but I don't love it as much as my love to my first, second and third choice.

And my desperate thought brings me to another thought: am I that dumb?
I'll wrote it later about how I feel nothing, dumb and not smart enough. Even for myself.

Goelali: Children's Film Festival 2010

It's not the latest event I went but still I want to post it. It's children's film festival 2010 by an organization named Goelali. It's actually the old pronunciation of word 'gulali' that means sweets.

Franz, my fatty-lil bro, told me about that events and he whined around about that events. Once he said it's for free, I'm glad then we decided to go. I booked the ticket cause it's limited seat, then we go to Plaza Indonesia the next day.

It's a huge events and I kinda like it even there's a lot of noisy children. There's a painting exhibition, origami class and many more. We watched an old Japanese movie titled "Sadako Senzaburu" or something like that (I'm not J-movie maniac, FYI) and it's touching. It's about an innocent girl in 12 who got cancer as the effect of Hiroshima-Nagasaki bomb during the World War II. She believe that hundred or thousand bird origami could grant her wish to be health, so she makes thousand of origami while she was hospitalized.

I left the theater before the movie ends cause I want to pee, so I have no idea how the movie ends. But it must be very touching cause my bro said so.

Franz with the parrots.

He actually kinda scared of animals.

But won't admit it and always said that they're cute when I said so.

What a stubborn boy.

Me and the parrots from Indonesia's Safari Parks in Bogor.

They're really cute, hanging on my shoulders.

The green one won't let me go so I stuck with him for minutes.

Paris van Java Part.2

Alright.

It's been.. a day and couple hours since I heard that overjoyed news that I've been accepted in travel & tourism academy in Bandung. My head keep saying, 'I'm gonna be a good, success event organizer'. I can guess what the sketch of my future is.

But the next question is popping in my mind: "Am I selfish?"

Am I selfish? To my family, I mean. My dad, my brother, my aunt and everybody who loves me. It feels like I'm going to a far, strange places (even it only takes 3 hours from Jakarta to Bandung). I have to leave my home then.

It's been my ideal life of college since I was in first year in senior high, to leaving my hometown and move to study. I think it wouldn't be so hard cause I believe that I'm different with others. I'm so cocky and thinks that I'm mature enough to take care of my self, I can do it and I can do that with or without anyone's help.

Well maybe that's right. I can cook well (for my tongue, absolutely). I can do laundry and dishes by myself. I have a vision in life about what I want to do and what I won't, about what I'll do and what I'll never. Simply, I know what's good and bad. I don't care what people might think cause it doesn't matter for me even though there's a time when I actually care about people's opinion but that's not something that could make a big impact for me.

But if you can be independent to yourself, it doesn't mean that you could live without others. Without family, friends, all the madness and affection in your relationship. Literally I think I can live alone, when I grow up later. But I wont. It's a nightmare to live alone cause two is always better than one in any matter except trouble and bad luck. It's better to have two pencils when you have some exam, cause probably your first pencil broke so you could use the second. It's much better to have someone to share a journey with you than going by yourself without accompany. Two is always better than one in positive thinking.

My bro has changed since he heard the news. He so sensitive lately but then he could treat me like a queen few hours later. Pretty crazy. My dad asked me in a jokes, "Oh! How could you go and left me here? What I'm supposed to to then?". But that's sounds ironic for me. I'm daddy's little girl. I always being nuts without my daddy more than 36 hours. How am I supposed to live, dad?! And my lovely auntie. I'm so depend on her in many thing, physically. My life is about my family even I never share my burden to them. I never share it to anyone except myself, my diary and my blog.

In 3 weeks or earlier, I gotta pack my things up. And all the confidence that I own before seems to gone. Rezky will left in July 30 and Niya already in Malang. August gonna be a tough month without precious things in my life that I had before. My family, my besties, my classmates, all the warmth, affection, jokes, madness and laugh that always I get in Jakarta can't I keep in Bandung. It's sad tough. TT . TT

P.s.

I'm just thinking. Have you watch Princess and The Frog? That Disney's movie?

There's a song in there, sang by the cruel magician. It's said:

you get what you want, but lose what you had before

. . .

could it happen to me???

NO WAY!!!

Paris van Java

Attention please (it feels like I'm screaming out in an awkward silence)!!

I have a little announcement here.

As my Dad went to Bandung today, he said that I'm accepted as a student in National Hotel Institute Bandung.

Yeah!

Management and Business of Convention where I'll learn how to be a good event organizer.

Thanks God!!

Miss Melancholic of April

First of all, I wanna say Happy Earth Day for everyone (even probably nobody read this) and Happy Kartini Day for Indonesian woman, precisely. R.A. Kartini is a tough and strong woman in early of 19th century who fights for woman emancipation in Indonesian.

Anyway, I got this emptiness. I wonder why it happens when I got a plan to my life, but I feel no harm I’m just in love like I was when I don’t have any plan. Last week I didn’t think about anything else but love. I was being a silly girl last week with her hope and wish and pray every single night for the one she loves. But last night I’m thinking about my plan for my life in 5 or 7 years later. I was thinking about gifts ideas for my family and friends, I’m thinking about things I want to do to make them happy cause only God when I’m fired from life and somehow I’m afraid I hadn’t some chances to say how they’re so meant to me, how I love them and to appreciate them (even it’s only my imagination, I think that’s too far). I want to have my own business, make some clothing line in ‘House of Bugya’ label, design and made the first product by myself. I want to publish my novel that tells my thought and secrets by the character, and etc.

For a while, to be dead sounds scary for me. I haven’t met my soul mate and I haven’t realized my entire dream. Besides, I won’t make my family sad. But in other hand, dead it’s a sweet temptation so I could meet my Mommy, my sister, grandfathers and old friends (only if God let me enter His home).
Life is strange. Or am I a geek?

Anyway, I can’t help myself this week to not listen MYMP’s songs. A funny name from ‘Make Your Momma Proud’. It’s a band from Philippines and their songs are damn good. You should listen: ‘You Got It All’, ‘Till They Take My Heart Away’, ‘Tell Me Where It Hurts’ and ‘Last Chance’. It’s so meaningful.


Last Chance by MYMP

This is my last dance with you
This is my only chance to do all I can do
To let you know that what I feel for you is real

This is the last chance for us
This is the moment that I just cannot let end
Before I know that there’s a chance were more than friends

So don't let go, don't let goMake it last all night
This is my last chance to make you mineI kept my feelings so deep
I kept my dreams of you and me somewhere inside

Although I prayed that you would see it in my eyes
But this is my last chance to say
What’s in my heart before you stay out of my life
And then you’ll understand the way I feel inside

So hold me close cause it feels so right
This is my last chance to make it mine
Make this dream realitySo close and yet so far
Gotta find a way into your heart
Gotta speak my mind
Gotta open up to you this time
I cant let you slip away tonight
This is my last dance with you

This is my only chance to do all I can do
To let you know that what I feel for you is so real
So don't let goJust make it last all night long
This is my last chance to make you mine, yeah
To make you mine


I wonder if I still have this courage in this June. Or May. Can I say it face to face? I never want to have anyone heart but his.

Anyway, this is one of Van Gogh masterpieces. Starry Night. Look at this painting make me feels good, just like a burden in my shoulder has gone. Ha-ha, I’m too poetic today, don’t I?