SG

This words will be the last words I ever write about Yellow. Oh I really do hope so.

So I went to Singapore couple weeks ago. Had a great time (not really). I was torn between two heartache. A heartbreak, and a doubts.

Yellow and Red.

Red's

We've been fighting a lot lately. So much unfinished arguments, so much doubts in my heart and mind about how this relationship should end... or not.

Can't say much of anything that's true. I can't even express all thoughts and feeling well.

Long story short, we had a big fight 6 hours before my flight. And that's ruin my holiday.

Yellow's

I loved him.

And somehow inside my 21-mellow-fighter body there's still a 10 years-old girl, wondering if her first love could somehow love her back. his love doesn't have to be as much as her affections to him. A little bit is enough for her.

So once again, I was wondering if there's a slightest chance to be closer. I was going to sent him message when I realized he's taken.

I'm just surprised. And it takes a whole day long of laugh to finally realize how much it actually hurts. I cried in silence, saying "I'm done with love, I never want to feel it ever again" way too many time cause at that point, my lovelife goes nowhere. I spent too many time fell in love with someone I don't have a chance to be with, and that's happen because I swear I'm gonna wait for him no matter what and along the way I met this guy with a good heart, he loves me more than I deserve, and it's killing me to go through a day without him.

I'm a mess. And the only one who can fix me is Red. It's always been him.

Bitter Heart

Today Red came to my school to pick me up. This day should end great, with a little complain that it should lasts longer and wondering if we came to the same home and sleep in the same bed. But today, our date didn't ended well.
Some say we can't keep something to ourselves. Pain gonna hurts more and more, and it'll kill us if we keep it alone. So I release it. It's not better. I feel bitter and somehow the pain crush me inside, alive. I thought it's gonna make me feel better after I told him what I felt for years. Turns out, it crash me harder.
Our last conversation in cab goes like this.
"So you don't wanna see me again?" he asked.
"I won't care no more," I said.
"Okay." Then we remain in silent and he left.
I feel so dizzy today, all I can remember is blurry memory suddenly came and attack me as if I were a thief. I miss him presence already, wish we were holding hands. I take a little nap and I wake up, I thought he's with me. What a fool thing to do. Now I'm trying to make it up but I can't reach him. Maybe his phone died.
I realize I'm a jerk to gave him my cold shoulder today. But I just can't help it. All disappointments came and it's like the alarm in my head who gave me another warning like it did for past couple months. It's like a sign for me to go, like now or never.
I'm pretty sure he never really cared. I don't know why he want a future with me, maybe he loves me but we all know love is not enough. I need him to understand, without I'm saying how much I need him to understand. I need him to understand automatically that some silly things are very important to me.
I had so much issues in my life. Fear of losing people, honesty/trust issues, fear of screaming. He knows all that, but one thing I never say is how much I fear to lay my life completely and let people take care of me. I never do that before. Oh well I did that once and it didn't turn out great. I never believe in anybody but myself. Even my family, or him.
Today we had a talk before the fight about exes. Well, his ex and my past. That girl and Yellow. He said it won't change anything between us if someday, somehow he meet her again. But unfortunately I can't swear the same about Yellow. I won't make a promise I can't keep. It's not that I still loves him or what, I know that's not true. I know who I want to marry someday, it's Red. But there's something I can't explain about how I feel about everything.
Today there's a lot of things I said that I didn't mean to. But all said and done. I'm not gonna mad if he wants to ditch me I guess. He has a right to do that.

Love is Not Enough

In relationship, love is not enough. It's never been. So many hard things you have to face, so many to take  and give without losing your affection them. It's not that easy cause I'm there.
Sometimes I don't get it why did he say love and those sweet talks and stuff but sometimes he make me feel  like he didn't. There is no laws or rules about how someone should proves their love. Some let their feeling show by words, some through acts of sincerity. And some keep it for their selves to know in silence.
Red, in this subject, can be hard to understand sometimes. He's not really open to anyone, sometimes not even to me. And that kills me a little cause God knows how many times I lay my head in my pillow, wondering what's going on and loves the pain from imagination of the worst version of how our relationship end instead of believing what he said or realizing the truth that he always been honest to me. Well at least since our last breakup.
Love is not enough, cause I love him enough to know he's the one I will despite all things and still, that's not enough.
I need to be more patience. More faith in him, in me, in us.

Picking Up The Pieces - Paloma Faith

Music Video

Acoustic Version

Do you think of her

When you're with me?

Repeat the memories you made together

Whose face do you see?

Do you wish I was a bit more like her?

Am I too loud?

I play the clown

To cover up all these doubts

Perfect heart

She's flawless

She's the other woman

Shining in her splendor

You were lost

Now she's gone

And I'm picking up the pieces

I watch you cry

But you don't see that I'm the one by your side

'Cause she's gone

In her shadow is it me you see?

'Cause all that's left is you and I

And I'm picking up the pieces she left behind

I found a photograph behind the TV

You look so happy are you missing the way it used to be?

And I have changed this room around more often lately

It's clear that we

And these four walls

Still known as hers and yours

Perfect part

She's flawless

She's the other woman

Shining in her splendor

You were lost

Now she's gone

And I'm picking up the pieces

I watch you cry

But you don't see that I'm the one by your side

'Cause she's gone

In her shadow is it me you see?

'Cause all that's left is you and I

And I'm picking up the pieces she left behind

Are we liars in denial?

Are we smoke without the fire?

Tell me please is this worth it

I deserve it

'Cause she's gone

And I'm picking up the pieces

I watch you cry

But you don't see that I'm the one by your side

'Cause she's gone

In her shadow is it me you see?

'Cause all that's left is you and I

And I'm picking up the pieces

She left behind

I'm picking up the pieces

Of a broken heart

Who will save them?

Who will save them?

I'm picking up the pieces

Ooh, I'm picking up the pieces

Somebody save me

Somebody save me

Oh, oh, ooh, ooh.

.

You might think she's tough. Maybe she is. But not tough enough. She's broken inside, and you know why. It's partly because of you. But she loves you, so she never complaint about that.

But you take her for granted. She burst into tears and I'm not sure you understand how hurt it was. It was like an incredible never ending pain she must felt every single day. But you don't think it  matters. You think she can handle that, just because she gave you the best thing she could make: smile. A fake smile while hid her drowning tears, and you don't know that.

So please open your eyes, I beg you. Cause this time she's broken and you don't care enough, she's gonna leave.

And this time she's not scared.

Aiyafyu

Only once in your life, I truly believe, you find someone who can completely turn your world around.
 You tell them things that you’ve never shared with another soul and they absorb everything you say and actually want to hear more.
You share hopes for the future, dreams that will never come true, goals that were never achieved and the many disappointments life has thrown at you. When something wonderful happens, you can’t wait to tell them about it, knowing they will share in your excitement. They are not embarrassed to cry with you when you are hurting or laugh with you when you make a fool of yourself. Never do they hurt your feelings or make you feel like you are not good enough, but rather they build you up and show you the things about yourself that make you special and even beautiful. There is never any pressure, jealousy or competition but only a quiet calmness when they are around. You can be yourself and not worry about what they will think of you because they love you for who you are. The things that seem insignificant to most people such as a note, song or walk become invaluable treasures kept safe in your heart to cherish forever. Memories of your childhood come back and are so clear and vivid it’s like being young again. Colours seem brighter and more brilliant. Laughter seems part of daily life where before it was infrequent or didn’t exist at all. A phone call or two during the day helps to get you through a long day’s work and always brings a smile to your face. In their presence, there’s no need for continuous conversation, but you find you’re quite content in just having them nearby. Things that never interested you before become fascinating because you know they are important to this person who is so special to you. You think of this person on every occasion and in everything you do. Simple things bring them to mind like a pale blue sky, gentle wind or even a storm cloud on the horizon. You open your heart knowing that there’s a chance it may be broken one day and in opening your heart, you experience a love and joy that you never dreamed possible. You find that being vulnerable is the only way to allow your heart to feel true pleasure that’s so real it scares you. You find strength in knowing you have a true friend and possibly a soul mate who will remain loyal to the end. Life seems completely different, exciting and worthwhile. Your only hope and security is in knowing that they are a part of your life.

                                                                                                                    - Bob Marley

Haunted

Days feels like years to me lately since he moved to Bali. Every night we talk for two hours (or less if we're just too tired and sleepy) about everything. And sometimes I don't know what to say cause we ran out topics and we both know how we feels and we know there's nothing we can about it. We just have to wait.And it's not an easy thing to do.

Anywho, there's an issues we gave a lot of thought lately. And that's not nice. Well I mean for future, ours. We both know that's imposibble but still we thinking about it and it affect us so much burden in mind. I think I won't let bad things happen, and I belive it's better if one sink than two lifes ruin. It's better is one make a sacrafices and leave another for good. That's me. I can't let this ruin his life. Mine already worse, my dream already broken and I think it's better to leave all the troubles with me, not him. Sure he won't, he thinks we have to sticks together for better for worse. I believe in hin, and I want to share all tears and smile with him, too. But that doesn't mean I have a heart to ruin his life, right?

I keep telling myself that it's doesn't matter cause that were really not possible. But still I think about it. And it's kinda haunting, scary me.

You + Me

Red is having internship in Bali since the middle of July. It's kind of hard. For him, cause his plan was to have the internship in Jakarta so he can get closer to me. For me, well, I need him closer and long distance sucks. We knew we could, and relationship, any of kind, is actually simple but it's just not easy. We working on it.

Anyway. Our last meeting is one sudden date, planned it in an hour cause he's got to catch the flight. He picked me out near my house, took a cab and holding hands, say nothing. We knew it would be the last time, at least until December 28th where we plan a anniversary-Christmas date (later he said he's got a job on New Years Eve, so probably he can't make it and we can meet on January 2013).

All I can get is a phone call. That's all.

I realize it's getting harder and harder. But he's one of the kind. He's one in million, and though there's a gazillion people in this world and million people who actually around me, still I feel so lonely when he's not around.

Last pic of us. I wish he come home sooner.

I was whining around yesterday, asking him for a pic of him and he sent me this.

He's being cheesy now, grab my pic and editing it. I'm happy, but I wonder why he pick THIS picture.
My nose is so big. It's huge like a sucker of a vacuum cleaner.

See, I'm Get Back On My Back!

I didn't write much in June, month when I'm officially twenty years old. And somehow it seems like I'm get back on my feet (finally) and I'm glad. Though some things still left undone, unsettle and felt overrated for me somehow.

Anyway, this is a year of me. Just some photos I thought it would describe my life since last August when I started the first semester. I think I'm doing it pretty well. I got 2 A's (but, sadly, 2 C's) in first semester. The exam result for the second semester still a mystery but I gotta good feeling cause in midtest I have 3 A's and one-almost-A (I can't velieve I lost 0.1 point for an A so sadly I got B), bust I have apply for a scholarship and I hope it'll turn out well. 

MC-ing ITKP Rooftop Session Volume. 1, a talkshow with the expert.
(Left to right) Me, Feisal (a senior, my MC partner, whom I've just met 20 minutes before the event), Rama Mamuaya (founder mydailysocial.net), Edy Khemod (Seringai's drummer, creative director of Cerahati) and Mas Bay (my teacher as moderator). They surpisingly looks like a young folks, huh?

I decided to pulled off House of Bugya. Instead, I used Grandma's middle name.
And it's not like an online shopping is interesting, easy job to do though.

Daily activities, thinking of Red!

Still I miss you every second. Even in the class.

One of quality time with bros!

Yeah, about that. I passed out of vertigo, fell down and hit the iron trellis of my windows.
I'm bleeding but thank God, no scar lefts :)

One of my 20th birthday present from  Red, a bouquette of roses!

PET!!! I HAVE A PUPPY NOW!
She's half Golden Retriever and Dobberman, named Cipluk. I love her and at some point I thought this might be what it's like to have a children. LOL.
No, seriously.

Addicted to shooping in Scoop Ideas!

This what the rose bouquette looks like in a month. Still keep it. Will keep it forever.

This one piece of withered Red roses. He gave it to me in 2010.
One late night when I'm just get ready to bed, he call me and asked me to wait in gate of my (ex) boarding house.
He gave me this, a kiss for lips, a kiss in forehead, say goodnight and left.

Little unofficial reunion. Minus Glory. I miss her so bad.

My presentation about retro ads and moder ads in vintage style.

Family gathering. Grandma's 80th party.

Love letter reading to Trias. LOL.

2011!

On my Uncle's wedding. Yep. I'm ugly, even more when I took a picture with famous people.
Noted for self: WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?! 

Cousins.

Another gangs reunion.