Just some report about thoughts and today how I met Yellow but all I could thinking about is Red

I met Yellow.
It's been over a year since the last time I saw him. It's been a year flats since I, you know, doing confession but reject his offer to grab some coffee.
He's so close, but just like usual, it yet so far.
I know it might be the last time I saw him again. I think he's not going home until December. Or maybe next July. But whenever he may come then, I don't think I'll have that chance to see him again. He's gonna be so busy and he's life is started. I look at him and feel a little bit jealous though. He lives what he's dream for. He loves biotechnology and he's brilliant, it's not hard to get exactly what he wants. He always get it anyway. He can have everything he wants.
I felt what I used to felt whenever my eyes caught his presence: butterfly in my stomach, my limp knees, hands shaking.
But no heartbeat. And that's the only thing missing. Maybe because I already gave all my heart to someone else who loves me back.
I honestly glad to see him. I'm kinda miss him and it's nice to know he's doing well. I still love him with friendship bond but that's it. At first I actually doubt myself about me when I caught him across the hall. I look at him and wait.
My eyes starring at him. But my thoughts fill with Red.
I miss him. But not as much as I miss Red.
I love him still. But it's more like a little girl to her old-time pal or long-relation-good cousin cause my feelings as a girl to a boy has taken to Red.
It's good to see him. But it's much better to have some long-distance conversation with Red.
Yes, it's good to see him. But that's all.
As a little kiddo I remember how I used to wonder about Yellow and me in future, walking in the aisle this church. But all I wonder now is Red. I'm not sure what he means when he said we'll find the way, someday I'll come to his house and get to know his family more, someday he'll come to mine. Someday I'll cook for him (though my cook is totally disaster right now). Someday we'll be. I think it's obvious that what he wants exactly same with mine. Maybe I'm right, maybe I'm wrong, I have no idea. Maybe he changes his mind later, maybe not. It doesn't matter cause all I could thinking about is him.
I wanna walking down the aisle with Red. I wanna wake up in the morning and the very first faces I saw were his. I wanna hold him tight without fear my daddy will caught us or any fear to anyone or anything whom could make us apart. I love him, now and then, maybe for the rest of my life, and I want to share everything with him. I can't imagine if I had to love anyone else.
I don't know what he thinking about me. Maybe Red have his own opinion and different with me, but that's mine.
Anyway.
I like Yellow. But the one I want to be with is Red. And it reminds me of something. A quotes.

Before you, Bella, my life was like a moonless night. Very dark, but there were stars — points of light and reason… And then you shot across my sky like a meteor. Suddenly everything was on fire; there was brilliancy, there was beauty. When you were gone, when the meteor had fallen over the horizon, everything went black. Nothing had changed, but my eyes were blinded by the light. I couldn’t see the stars anymore. And there was no more reason for anything.

Edward Cullen, New Moon, Chapter 23, p.514

Error 404. Feelings for Yellow are not found.
I've been through a lot things with Red. We seldom got a happy time when everything's just fine, we're in love, no doubt about feelings, no other feelings for third party, etc. It's rough now, but I think as long as we still have each other, that's enough for me.
I remember how he broke my heart first. Second. Third. The number goes on. I'm looking for my own-self protection just in case he do it again one day: that giraffe-secret. Now he knew the truth. It hurts, but he had no idea how big it was for me. That secret is kind of my protection.
And now I have none. So if there's something goes wrong, I'll falling apart and no one, nothing could catch me. I'll be so down and breaking apart, and the damages couldn't be fixed anymore. It won't.
But I love Red and hell yeah, I don't care. I believe him.
I used have a faith over a year ago about Yellow that we'll meet again someday, somehow.
Then it happen.
So I have faiths me and Red are gonna work.
I know it will. We just have to try and wait, wait and see. It works.