It's been over a year from the last time I meet Yellow. Six months after the last time we've contact. I thought I've said every truth a year ago. Facts about me, adoring him. Facts about him, ignoring me. One year ago I made a bet to myself. If I still can't change his mine after all that time, I'm gonna move on. But I move on faster than I predict. It's all because of Red. So I owe him a lot somehow, but it doesn't mean I take him for granted.
My life seems started with a dream. When I was a little girl, everybody seems interesting about my dream. "What do you wants to be?" Everybody always asked the same. I said I wanna be a pilot, cause I think that's cool when I saw it on Disneyland. I wanna be a designer, when I draw and found out how interesting it was.
But the truth is... I never knew I had a dream until I found you.
It's 3rd Thursday of October 2001. I was nine years old little girl, can't even tie her shoes so I'm using slips on shoes. You were eleven, the leader of 6th grade senior and everybody loves you. They say you're the smartest one. You walked passing me by. And that's how it started. That's how I started to see you, admiring you and somehow, the feeling lasts for years. And it's a long long years.
You used to be the acolyte every Saturday, 5 PM. And that's where I always go, seeing you from the distance. Most people had something fun as their childhood icons. I have you and Church ceremonial every Saturday.
Then I was 13, ready to junior high school. I give my best to be with you, in the same school with you. And I did. You were my mentor on my first week and I'm so grateful cause if you're not, I'll never have you as my friend forever. You're the smartest boy and I'm in misery with physics. It's 2004 and I have to say, that's the best year on some subject. I'm totally happy. I can talk with you, give you a box of chocolate on Valentine, congratulate you a happy birthday. You knew my name, finally, and you greet me when you passed me by. You treat me well and nice, as if I were your little sissy. And that is wrong cause I thought you might be feel the same way like I did. You call me, sent me message, borrow me your book, put your hands on my shoulder. I thought it was heaven. I was wrong.
That's just a step before life drove me to a little hell. It's 2005. You graduate, go to some international school that I completely not possible to enter. Then you left. I cried a lot. Then my mommy passed away. Friends go away, some past away too. Grandpa and grandma die. Pope's gone. I cried even more, blamed myself without any logical reason. I miss you but seems like you're living in a different world with me. I know I gotta let you go. But I can't. One day I look in a mirror and see how ugly I was.
"How could he notice me if I'm ugly as witch, fat like a pig and dumb?" I thought. So I decide to make a breakthrough. I read a lot of book, I learned, I give my best. I had an exercise three times a week, stop eating sweets and go on diet. I drink a supplement, be a veggie for once or twice a week. I bought a girls magazine, learn how to dress up properly, learn how to do some make up and get to know what's the latest fashion. I join the club of famous, doing cheerleader, drama, choir, committee of events, etc. I read more books, learn French (I tried to but it's too hard for me at that age) and English so I able to reading in English.
It's 2007. I'm on my first year of high school, still thinking of you in my dream. You congratulate me a happy birthday and more than ever, I'm so glad cause you remember. But then you go. You're the smartest boy as ever, the leader of the team. I, with my hard work, was a leader of debate club. I did more activities to make you notice. I go prettier than before. There's one or two boys who asked me go out with them. I said no to both of them at the end. I can't help thinking of you everytime I look in their eyes. I actually wish I could fall for them, but somehow I can't. I don't wanna lie to anyone and most of all, to myself.
I studied hard to get a rank. I still go on diet. I read more books and fashion magazine. But that's useless cause you don't give me some time to prove that I'm changing. I'm not the fat little dumb girl you used to know. I'm not saying I'm beautiful and smart, but at least I'm better than I was.
But you are you. You are damn-cursed genius. It's lucky to you having a good brain like that, and a bad luck for me. You got that scholarship of chemistry. There you go to NTU. Singapore. It miles away from here. And like usual, I have say nothing to you to make you notice someone like me. I let you go before you know what I feel for you is real. I miss you a lot, and sometimes it's sad to go to neighborhood, to places I was saw you but you're not there.
A boy, my classmates, let's cal him Platypus (that's my animal nick for him, actually lol), came just after you gone. Still I can't see him. There's only you in my eyes. And you're so faraway, its' like out of reach. He said it's time to let you go cause 7 years in love is pretty crazy for 17-years-old girl like me.
Then an idea popped in head. Why don't I see you there? In Singapore!
Based from that silly idea, I studied harder. I had two novels finished, and I can say it's a dedication for you. My high school years filled with books, study, a dream and you to fight for. I go to test... I know I actually can made it. But I'm not smart like you and I can't get the scholarship. My ideal major is art. Where the hell would I find a scholarship in fashion? And my Dad change his mind in the last minutes and shit happens. I can't go to you. And I can't studied fashion too. It's hitting me all at once. It's crazy! It's sad and I live in misery, again. I can't get what I want to learn fashion, and the worst part is I cannot go to you. It feels like I'm stuck and trapped in hometown. And you have a girl. She's pretty. And goddamn genius too just like you. I can't beat her. I was down and falling apart.
I was about to moving on, letting you go and pretend nothing ever happened. But the hardest thing to do is pretending you're fine when you're not. How could I forgot you just like that when the truth came out? You are my childhood, and my teen-life, too. I spent 8 years of my life. Loving you, give my best to make you notice me! I want you recognize me as a young woman, not a kiddo. That's simple. Then I'm thinking about one last try.
My cousins got a chance to study abroad for 6 months with his school in Bandung. A tourism school. That is something I can do, but not something I wanna do. But thoughts if I did, I might get the same chance with him and I can see you there even for a while. I have gone mad. Platypus tell me crazy and I should stop chasing you, but it doesn't makes me stop. It makes me even crazier than I ever be. Seeing me losing my mind, I'm glad Platypus stop bothering me.
Then there I go, I went to Bandung. But while I'm fighting a new life, it seems like I forgot my purpose. I suddenly tired of chasing you. I mean, 9 years with no solution or conclusion at all? I know I might be the stupidest person ever. So I sent you a messages cause it's hard to say it face to face. Besides, I don't have that courage and you're just faraway. I told you, cause you don't understand my gesture and things I did for you. You still seeing me as a little girl.
But while I'm waiting you answer, I lost my moods or feelings. I became numb, I surrender. I met a guy and he's interesting, but somehow I still thinking of you. When the answer came, I know that's exactly your answer. My guess is totally right. You're such a good guy. What surprising me is... you asked me go out with you. I should be excited. Happy more than ever. It's like a dream come true, when a guy I've been waiting for 9 years asked me to grab some coffee with him. Again, I feel numb. No pain, no happiness, just a plain empty feeling. And when I'm like losing the earth and can't stop shaking down, that interesting guy once again.
It's Red.
He's taken when I know him, and I actually have nothing to do with him even though I like him. See, I still can't move on. Not that easy. I mean, how am I supposed to erased all about you and give him my heart when you're the biggest part of me ever since? But he come closer to me, something I never thought he would. I was out of confidence. I bet her girlfriend is prettier than me.
You might think I'm so shallow but that's a worldwide-national facts. Guy wants the prettiest girl he could get, wants the best girl in the world. What? I'm trying to be a good girl for 9 years and still I can't make you look at me, can't make you admit I've been changed in physically and intellectuality. I still can't make you love me and you want me to believe that guy who thinks I'm prettier without any makeups on is exist? Near me? I don't think so.
Then how could a guy from nowhere thinks I'm interesting? Either he's crazy and blind... or he's a good guy. What am I supposed to say? We met in student orientation when I'm in the worst shape of the year! We live in a military camp for three days and I'm ugly like a monster. How could he likes me at that time? I'm terrible and messy. But I'll never know how. He just did it.
He listen to what I say, not like you, of course. I can speak freely. I always like history and he listen when I tell him how Dante Alighieri made Beatrix Portinari as his muse. He doesn't even know who is Dante but still, he listen to me.
He thinks I'm smart. I never dare even to think if I am smart when you was there to be my comparison. No matter how high the score I had, you're The Highness. I'll never can beat you up. And you'll never think I'm smart enough too. You're a genius. And I'm just an ordinary people with ordinary brain.
He's funny and I can be myself when I'm with him. Something I would never could to do with you. You're perfect enough so I always wanna be perfect enough for you. But I will never be.
He takes me what I am. I don't have to change myself to him. He thinks I'm good enough as my own self. And it feels like home. Finally, after years I try to get you attention, I lose something important. I lose myself. But Red came and remind me that I still the owner of my own self and heart. He's kinda help me to find a real me and except it no matter what.
But the best part of all, he make me loves him. Just like he loves me. I know, I kinda steal him from his girlfriend. But didn't he did the same to you? And Platypus? Yeah, poor guy. Platypus was shocked when I told him I'm over you and taken with Red at once. I'm sorry for him but he's my friend. A good friend of mine and it's impossible to see him more than friend. At first he still be my besties.
I have my own problem with Red, too. He was confused to choose between me or, you know. And I hate to see that, so I decide to let him go just like I let you go. I broke up with him three times, I'm tired and give up with him. I told him to go away and back to her, while I'm thinking if it's possible if I back to you. Or maybe I'll stay with Platypus. He's a good guy too, and he's been waiting for a time for me. I think I probably not designed to be loved. Not by you, not by Red. Our first three moths it's the hardest. He's thinking about her, I'm thinking about you. So much tears of me wasted, drama, and pain. But somehow we still together. I don't know why. I'm too much in pain with Red, with you, I'm tired of love. I hate love, but still I need a shelter.
Just when I thought I'm going to Platypus, cause I believe he wouldn't dare to hurt me, Red made up his mind. I give him the second and third chance. He waste it. I give him last fourth chance though I'm not sure and still feel insecure. It last from October until today. Platypus fed up with me, he's surrender a month ago.
I don't know what's the point of this long story. Maybe I just wanna tell you thing you don't know. You waste me and make me lost myself and my self-confidence. But you see, these guys thinks I'm enough and worth to fight for. They see things you didn't see in me.
But your rejection had opened my eyes. I wouldn't falling for Red if you loves me back cause I was so sincere and I was actually believe you and me could lasts more than a lifetime, only if you feel the same way too. Thank you for everything. All the shattered hopes you ever gave to me, somehow, it changes me a lot. And if I don't love you once and decide go to Bandung, I will never have a chance to met someone like Red. Someone whom I believe, would be my last. You're the first, but he's my last. It sounds good in my ears though.
Now I'm 19 and you 21. It's 2011.
It's been ten years. I wonder what you do, wonder how's your life.
Wonder if we met last year, what my life would be?
What if I let Red go?
What if I get you back then?
I think I should be thankful cause you're like mannequin, cold as ice and hard like a stone. Cause if you don't treat me badly, I probably more in love with you and I wouldn't meet Red.
And next week you'll be in hometown. I probably see you here. But it doesn't affect me anymore. You're a past for me. But still I wish you the best. I still love you as an old friend of mine. I would care for you if you're near, but the truth is you're not. And the only one I would care about is Red. The one I'll cherish. Now and forever. Forever and a day. Just till my life is through. And maybe longer.
Okay. I wrote a bunch of bullshit here. Gotta go.
No comments:
Post a Comment