The Ex-Traveller

I'm in the road.

From somewhere, to nowhere.

Too much burden in the past I wanna go out and live my life.

Sometimes I think I'm falling apart.

Broke every bones I have, but still I keep my eyes open.

I probably fall way too deep.

But how come one fall when she never been high enough to fall till it hurts?

I feel none.

It's either I'm dead or I'm just fall from the universe

But did't touch the ground.

I wanna go out and leave all this behind.

Travel the earth, see the world with my own eyes.

Tell a little bird some story about dream.

They'll go to the sky and prove if it's true.

But even a little bird had nature courage to explore.

And they can fly.

I'm not that lucky to have wings and be brave at the same moment.

Maybe I never will.

I wanna go the beach

See the land, see the air, see the water

Capture in memory

I'm both happy and love at the same time

A Little Poem to Dania

Couple days ago I met my deary friend Dania, had a good talk when she told me about a guy we loves and how things sometimes gets pretty confusing to understand. So I was in the bathroom on 5 pm and sang random tune, random words just to fill the shower time with something's good when I think of a word.
Constant battle. And it's like a machine I automaticly think of them. So here it is.

Constant Battle

You and I like a constant battle everyday

We fought for something we can't decide

We said we let things flow but we didn't

We act like two strangers when eyes really can't tell the truth

Like how we used to talk

Your silly jokes

My freak habits

And how our mutual weirdness blend so well

Like I have known you all of my life

I can feel your pain

Teary memories you told me with little fake smile

I wait you told me what's on your mind

But it seems like you didn't have one

Or even a heart to feel

Cause sometimes divided we stand, united we fall

And it didn't feel like falling too hard

When I'd rather feel a little pain than nothing at all

And for you it's all a mystery

I'm in constant battle everyday

Between things I want, and thing I need

About what feels right but probably wrong,

And what's right but pretty tough

Or none of it were true

And you're in constant battle all of your life

For things you can't feel and how you decide to let it show

When life treats you rough once,you dance in the rain

And turn everyone wrong into tears

Instead let them heal your pain

I wonder what it's gonna be like in months

After I left

And you stayed

And we

Us

Or is it just you, separately, me.

Shoot. I'm on vacation way too much I need to get a life.

Entah sejak kapan

Sejak kapan bau membawa duka, dan harum sanggup membunuh?

Ini adalah satu wangi yang takkan terlupa.

Bahkan setelah aku mati.

Asap rokok melekat.

Ringan, namun pekat.

Tajam.

Namun semakin halus acap kali terendus.

 Wangi kopi yang kau minum.

Pagi, untuk menyemangatkan harimu.

Larut, saat kau masih terjaga.

Aroma parfum.

Entah yang kau kenakan saat pagi.

Atau inilah bau tubuhmu.

Yang selalu terekam indera.

Sejak kapan memori dapat membakarku hidup-hidup?

Jalanan yang dulu kita langkahi bersama,

kini dengan getir aku melangkah. Sendiri.

Senyum yang kukira akan selalu terjangkau,

kupandangi dengan takzim di momen yang jarang.

Lagu yang mengalun merdu bersamamu,

Sumbang saat aku diam.

Memikirkanmu, seorang diri, berharap punya sayap.

Sejak kapan mimpi memporakporandakan hari?

Tak pernah sebenci itu.

Aku, melihatmu.

Hanya karena tak ada tanganmu untuk kusentuh saat membuka mata.

Senyuman, ucapan, tarikan napasmu.

Keberadaanmu di jagad raya, di sisiku.

Hanya air mata yang menari,

seolah memanggilmu.

Untuk kembali,

ke sisi.

I made a poem when I miss you and can't hardly back to sleep till the dawn comes

Honestly I can't remember what my life's like before you came.
The sun doesn't shine, the moon doesn't glow, the air is heavy air. I know there's something wrong, but I can't tell what's supposed to be.
Before you came, birds don't sing love songs. They just sat down in the tree and waiting what's coming next.
Maybe an instinct to saved all the voices, to sing it all over again when you're there. And they know they wouldn't stop once you come.
Before you came, rain is just a rain. There's no rainbow after it. There's nothing good on it. Just mellow, and that's it.
Before you came, I have no idea what to do with my life. Who am I living for, who I'll be fighting for, what could makes my life better.
Before you came, I don't really believes in happiness and how could I be happy when I actually had nothing to make myself proud.
Before you came, love didn't exist. And all love stories I've been through is just my childish fantasy like a silly pop star or something.
Before you came, my days was gloomy and cold. Too much burden I saved all alone, too much tears I secretly wiped.
Before you came I give my best too hide my scars. And I believe I had no flaws at all, just scars to hide.
Before you came I can't hardly breathe and be my own self, always lives in fears that people won't like me if I'm not good enough.
Before you came, I can't laughed all day long without tears in my pillow when night comes.
Before you came, there's so little joy and pain is overrated.
Before you came, life is plain. And grey. And no fun at all.
But then you came and changes everything. That's why I owe you so much I can't repay.
I love you and it's not just some cheesy words I told to everybody. My bravery to say that means how much I really do.
I'm totally in love with you. And when I look at you in the eyes, or when your hands reach mine I knew I would do that forever.

"It's ours," you said.

My favorite words comes from your lips.

Promises I knew you would never break it.

Dreams you'll make comes true.

Your dream, my dream.

Our dream.

But.

Not today, not today.

Cause today we're just too tired.

Struggle with ourselves, struggling with our life.

Complicated things, unsolved matters.

Miss each other like crazy, distance just too far for us.

I want you in my arms every single night.

Your lips on mine, your skins on mine.

Feel you in me.

You.Me.

Us.

Time is running out.

But how come time stand stills when it comes to us?

I keep asked to myself how long it's gonna end.

How long I have to wait.

Things got to understood.

Exceptions got to make.

Sacrifices I have to give.

"Wait a little bit more and five years is forever," you said.

Is it to please me?

"It's a promise I made for myself," you said.

"It's not my dream. It's not your dream."

"It's ours."

.

So I made a little poem cause yesterday we have an anniversarry-Christmas date and we have a really good times together

Kebahagiaan adalah tiap-tiap detik bersamamu.
Kebahagiaan adalah saat aku menatap matamu dan melihat diriku di dalamnya.
Kebahagiaan adalah kata yang kau ucapkan, senyuman yang kau perlihatkan..
Kebahagiaan adalah napas yang kau hela dan menghidupkanku tiap kali aku mati.
Kabahagiaan, bagiku, adalah tentang kamu.
Kebahagiaan memiliki nama.
Namamu.

Once Upon a Time...

Once upon a time there was one naive girl from big old city moved to a smaller city. As she pursued her dream, she met someone. They were fall in love and live a happy simple ordinary life together. That was the happiest moment she ever felt in her entire life, where everything just perfect even she knew it doesn't.

Once upon a time there was a crazy old bitch from a small city. She was happy, but that's a very long time ago. Somehow she ruined happy people's life. So she does what she do. She ruined someone's happiness. Break it, rip it into little pieces.

Once upon a time there was one naive girl who felt a happiness for the first time. But then someone took it and ruined her life, innocent just faded away. She doesn't believe in anyone, as the more people knew her, the more she treat people kind, those people just so selfish and take her for granted. So she stopped being naive. Just one nice girl, with a thousand curse on her mind everyday. She hurts, and pain makes her cynical like she do now.

Once upon a time there was a dream. A simple little dream and that's not so much. Just a wish to be happy. No need to be rich or famous, being pretty and genius. Just a happy life with somebody to love. And just like fairy tales, dream comes true. And that was perfect. Anyhow, nothing lasts forever. So dream does. It's only happened for a while.

Once upon a time there was one cynical girl, living in the old big city. She's been in countryside for a while, but that's a memory she'll never forget. Cause the happiest moment of her life was happened there. Love in the air, passion on work, beautiful friendship, a pretty city, a simple lovely life. Happiness had gone, but not forever, cause nothing last forever, and pain should include. So this pain won't stay too long. She'll find another way to feel the happiness again. And if the time comes, she believe the happiness would stay for a lifetime. Not forever, just a pretty happiness for a lifetime.

Once upon a time there was a brand new dream. It made from tears, disappointment and shattered dream.  The dreamer was down when the last comes for a while and leave her breathless. Days, weeks, months passing by. And that was the tough, but somehow she made it through. And she had a faith that someday, this brand new dream will come true just like the old one... and stay no matter what may happen. No one can break, it'll coming true and that will be the real happiness.

Late Night Thoughts

Sometime late at night I'm wide awake. You're sleeping peacefully in your bed, some faraway place from here.
Sometime late at night I wonder if you dreamed of me like I did, if you think of me before you fell asleep. I wonder how much I really means to you.
Sometime late at night I play musics which reminds me about us. Some love happy songs, some acoustic-calm songs. And I played to cheers the pain of separation in the rest.
Sometime late at night I wonder if tomorrow never comes, or what if I could skip years further so when I open my eyes from my sleep, I could find you right next to me.
Sometime late at night I go online, play our songs and looking at your picture. Call me pathetic, it's the only way to see you right.
Sometime late at night I close my eyes and wonder what will happen to us in months further. I wish we're alright, I wish we keep our minds right and the bounds will never be broken.
Sometime late at night I think about us.
And every time I go to sleep, I think of you.

The Extraordinary Us

We're not that kind of couple.
Texting all day long, wear a silly couple shirts.
Upload bunch of picture of us, put you as mine in Facebook pages.
Got mad if you didn't answer my call, get a fight for a simple matters.
You often speaks cynically and rarely sweet,
I don't act hopelessly weak and practically prefer to be independent girl.
You call me Fatty instead Dear,
I call you Smelly Goat cause you look like one.
We don't go date like mostly couple did,
Just go to groceries, cooked dinner and watching tivo.

Cause we're not that kind of partner.
You don't get jealous if I'm with another guy. You know I love you.
I don't think I should keep my eyes on you everytime. I know you'll call me before go to bed.
You think I'm prettier without any make ups on instead wore a new-style-heels. You practically thinks flats is more comfy for me.
I know it's hard to make you quit smoking. But still I give a little try everyday, hope someday you'll realize how much I love you and I won't lose you that fast.

Now.
We can't always meet whenever we wants to.
You can leave you job there. I can't go out without permission.
127 km spreading between us. And three-hours distance totally a shit.
We can do things we used to did.
Spent 24 hours together. Laying in your chest and feel warm.
You fell asleep in my shoulder. Hug you tight every ten minutes.
Drawing doodles in your book. Late night working for tomorrow's presentation.
Read my book while you playing game. Then fell asleep and suddenly you're beside me.

There's rough time when I'm sick and tired being here and miss you so bad.
Pray if God will take me to where you are once I wake up, but it didn't happen.
Pray it's only just a dream, it's a sad reality.
Pray if someone would understand what I feel, bet it's far from happen.
I wonder what we really had right now, nothing but daily telephone call.
I wonder if that's enough to keep you mine, cause thought about hard times in future awaiting.
I wonder if you'll stay the same, cause you probably change your mind about me.
I wonder if we still the same, cause everything are so easy to change.
But wonder couldn't answer me no matter what I asked.

We're not like common of couple. I don't think that's bad idea.
We're a couple with compatible weirdos.
We're a best friends who talk about our embarrassing moment.
We're like a family who always protect each other.
That's the extraordinary of us.
I guess that's the answer of my wonder,
and reasons why we got to stay together. Always.

The Very Sweet of Goethe

Nähe des Geliebten

Ich denke dein, wenn mir der Sonne Schimmer
Vom Meere strahlt;
Ich denke dein, wenn sich des Mondes Flimmer
In Quellen malt.

Ich sehe dich, wenn auf dem fernen Wege
Der Staub sich hebt;
In tiefer Nacht, wenn auf dem schmalen Stege
Der Wandrer bebt.

Ich höre dich, wenn dort mit dumpfem Rauschen
Die Welle steigt.
Im stillen Haine geh ich oft zu lauschen,
Wenn alles schweigt.

Ich bin bei dir, du seist auch noch so ferne.
Du bist mir nah!
Die Sonne sinkt, bald leuchten mir die Sterne.
O wärst du da!

translation:

Near His Beloved

I think of you when sunlight on the ocean

Glimmers at noon;

I think of you when glowing rivers mirror

The risen moon

I see you in the rise of dust that covers

The distant ridge,

In each deep midnight where the wanderer quivers

On the bridge

I hear you in the low and muffled rustle

of rolling seas,

I often go to quiet groves and listen

To things at peace

And am with you, however far you are,

And know you're near!

Oh, what I'd give, as sun gives way to star,

To have you here!

Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

Red-Heart-Question-marks

To love someone we hate,
is easier than hate someone we love.

To forgive our love,
is easier than forgive our enemy.

To care about person you love,
is easier than care about your own self.

To miss someone you love,
is easier than be missed with someone we love.

And loving you,
is damn, much more easier than have you loving me.

P.s.
I'm thinking about let you go cause some people told me to think about it. I hate that suggestion, but somehow I think they probably right. I do realize that anguish would kill me. Then I think of you.
You probably happier without me. You, maybe, better off without me. You'll be fine, cause you're not so sincere like me.
But the matter is the fact that I don't want to. Or worse, maybe I can't.
I'll be fine, though it can't be easy for me and I need some times to cheer myself up. I can back to my past, but I won't. I can find another, but I don't think I can.

Maybe that's because I'm a girl. Heart, once it's loves, it'll loves forever. And once it's broken, it's broken forever though it looks just fine. And if it patient, then it'll be waiting, always.
So that means that I'm strong enough to have you here and hurts, and strong enough to let you go. And hurts, too. I'll drowning in my own tears in any side I choose.

September

September
I'm afraid it would come too fast
I'm not pretending
Like I love you with a love that I used to be love

September
Seems that is my deadline
The end of years in madness
Border of the epilogue

And September
I wouldn't be here when it comes
Before you left and back to that place
I'll be already gone

I don't think about feelings
Or my shattered-old-dream
I just think of you
And how my heart won't le t you go
(Though my head are totally suck with you)

But September
There;s something more than autumn
Makes me shed my tears
As it falls to my diary

I'm afraid there'll be no more you
After September's gone and year passes
I'm afraid God didn't watch
My long dream of you and me

So September
Might be a month full of tears
This is the way you left me
Waking me up form my crazy illusion

If I believe in reincarnation
I'll se you soon in Thursday
I'm going to be perfectly numb
Cause September means a farewell

(270610)

Letter To The Giant

Dear Singapore Flyer,
I'll be glad if you tell him what I've said
Tell him:

"Standing there, luv, you were there
As always I am here, wait for some news
Sorry to my name, blame on myself
Cant helps thinking why I'm still in our hometown
In GMT + 07.00, you're further by time and place
I can't see your sky today as you can't see mine

So I made a promise to myself
One day, I'll be there
Kiss the wall you've touch years ago
Standing in the roof where we could see a magic
Biggest ferris wheel I knew
Cause you were there when I miss you the most
Well, I miss you badly now

From your land, with love and life"

Dear Singapore Flyer,
will you keep him there for a while?
So when I finally be there,
I could still see him around me,
then I'll never be sad anymore.
Will you?

Call Me Silly

Have you ever been in love?

I found myself reach the middle of silliness in the name of affection that I gave to someone—him. And I don’t think it’s the limits even I know it just too much. I spend my whole time to write a poem of him, paint his photograph to a paintings (based by the photographs of him that I found from his profile), wrote some stories that the man’s character is mostly liked him (his birthday or height, his favorite color or looks). I’m just too crazy, literally.

I even made some poems about it.

Love Is..

When you have a thousand pray for him
And a hundred for yourself

When he always looks good
With or without glasses and braces

When you think about marriage,
Dying to say, “I do, for better for worse.”
And you really mean it

When you put your hand on the stove for a sec and feels like a minute
But sit beside him for a minute and feels like a sec

When he broke your heart
But you can still love him with all little pieces

When dozens scars means nothing
But one little happiness means everything

When you truly believe that he’s better than Lucas Till
Even nobody thinks they could be an equal comparison but you

When love equals him
And he equal life

When you try so hard to find another
But you failed when you’ve got a dream about him in your sleep ever time you’ve tried

When you take a day to fulfill half of your thick diary
And almost a decade to say those three words

When your heart beat faster when you saw him
And your hearts beat stops when he say hello

When you hear some silly love song in your room
Then wondering what he’s doing right now cause you start to miss him

When you think you can wait forever and take a chance
And start to prove it right now

When you wrote a diary or poems
And 85% of the topic is your overwhelmed affection and him

When you want to get what you want
Even you’ll lose what you had before

When your name that you used to hate sounds nice
After he called out your name just to say hello

When your biggest dream is hold him tight
And the wildest one is never let it go

When you imagine a nightmare if he were gone
And all your last wishes is to be haunted by ghost of him

When the best feeling in the world is when he says hi
Cause even if it’s just for a sec, you relief that you’ve crossed his min

When fate means you to lose
And you give the biggest fight you ever did

When you want to be his strength when he’s weak
And be the fortress when you weak

When you find out that friend of yours like him, too
Then you close your eyes and acts like nothing happen or change you seat away from her.
You won’t lose this battle even you’ll lose your friend
Cause you know that you just too mush in love more than people could imagine

When he get hurts
But you’re the one who get bleeding

When there’s too many way to love him
And you found that there’s no way to not love him

When night turns day and winter feels like summer
Every single day you realize how much he meant to you

When you jogging from your house to his
Cause you woke up in 5a.m. and miss him badly

When you put the best dress up and make up so you’ll looks prettier
Cause you’ll never knew when he’ll appears around you

When you better to live with single lever and stay together
Than have double but alone by yourself.

When you love him
Even he never ever realized it

How Skeptic Am I

I made a poem in school today while my friends get bored with mathematics and economy class. It’s weird but I don’t really care.

If I could send away my heart to Saturn
Let them stay for a dozen year of lights
Saved them from the greatest pain in the earth
I will live forever
I will live calm and peacefully
No tears, no diaries

If I could send my brain to the moon
Ask them to rent a house and beg to not coming back
Saved them from stress and headache
I will be immortal

It’s untitled and I don’t think its need some. It’s just me and nobody will like it anyway. It’s about my imagine to wonder how good it would be if I don’t have a heart to feel and brain to think if I were broken heart or feel empty inside or whatever may come to me. I think it would be great for me.
I don’t really believe that true loves exist. I’m changed from a little girl who believes that one day, somehow, a charming man will come and love me. Because even it’s true that he loves me, could he loves me the way I am? Will he still love me when I’m not pretty? When I’m bad?
I don’t believe it. True love maybe exists for some people. But not for me, not in these age. Anyway, a guy that I really care about can’t be mine (cause I don’t have courage after all) so I don’t think I could be happy then. Or can I?