Stupid Liar Jerk Bugya.

I know I've been jerk. I'm lying to him about things I've been hide for months.
A truth that will disappoint you. I know it'll makes you mad to me. Probably you'll stop believe in me. It could make you go away from me, which is my number one fear about love.
Giraffe I used to like isn't about an animal. It's about someone. It's about... Yellow.
Red gave a me very cute giraffe doll in our second monthversarry. I was shocked. And guilty. And swear to heaven and earth I will never tell him... maybe for years later.
But lies couldn't stand forever. Someday somehow it appears themselves.
So now he knew.
And I wish I could shot myself. So stupid. I think it's just a little white lie, but since when lie had colors? I'm so damn guilty. It's like the worst crime ever.
I lied to him. And I feel like totally jerks. Liar. Traitor. Whatever bad.
That's worse. But the worst is, I think, a fact that he's just stay in silent.
Said it would be so childish if he get mad and shout out. Said he's disappointing and sad, thought maybe I was not really over Yellow.
Have you ever love somebody? Then you know what it feels when you feel sadder than he felt. And when the reason of sadness is you, don't you think you really could slap your self on face? Punch your own body? I could do more. I hate myself even more.
I thought it's better to keep it hide for his sake. But I actually didn't do it for him. It was for me. That's my back-up plan. I've been so selfish.
Yes, I was in love with Yellow. I've been there for like, nine years or so. It ended last year. I post it here. I was feel numb. It's surely different than get your heart broken. I can't feel anything and somehow it's harder.
Then I met him and he's like changing my whole life. Maybe it sounds hard to believe but it's real.
I love Red. More than I ever love anybody and Yellow.
And yes, I want him, I ONLY wants him in my life. Nobody else, nothing else. Not even Yellow suddenly came and tell me he loves me, screw that I really don't care.
You know what? Cause once you've tastes chocolate, you just prefer chocolate everywhere you go. Candy is sweet, but chocolate give all the taste you could possibly feel. I don't care if Red have a lot point of weakness. Nobody's perfect. I knew that. But he IS perfect for me. Oh I hate this. I wish he never ever doubt me but there we go, lies changes everything.
The only thing I could wish for: I wish he truly believe I love him. No matter what people may say. And no, I'm not gonna leave him no matter what. Yellow probably came, Hugh Jackman flirt to me, any hot guys in Hollywood. I. Won't. Care. I. Don't. Bother.
I love Red. I know I'll always be. Nine years is nothing cause somehow I believe I'm gonna love him more than just 9 years. Maybe 19, 29, 39, 49, 59, maybe the rest of my life, maybe. Who knows? The journey just had begun. And last. I wish he forgive me. I wish he stood still and give me a little chance.
Cause I'm going to prove I could be the one. yeah, I know it sounds way too confident, but I really mean it.