The awkward pathetic moment when you don't know what you actually want

I'm not saying I'm fine with it. Maybe I'm just try to deal with it and give my best shot but whatever it is, even my voice sounds fine, I'm not okay. It's almost been a year since the last time I wore my favorite uniform in Bandung. Next Monday the semester holiday's gonna be over and Red will back to hustle bustle busy routine. And once again, left me behind. I'm kind of jealous to see how he's gonna through this semester and ho he's gonna be out of town in next semester, doing internship and things that actually was my plan.
Sometimes I cried in my sleep, or in the middle of day, or in the early morning when everybody asleep. I don't know what to do, I don't know whom to talk to, I don't know what am I going to do with my life. Sometimes I wanna break up but I don't, sometimes I wants to stop from everything but I can't. Sometimes I want to die but I won't.
Sometimes I found it's hard to breathe. It's easier to jump to the sea and drowning than forgetting how happy I used to be and try to find reasons why I should be happy right now. It's clear that I'm not. Today, yesterday, last week, lats months, last March. There's nothing could really makes me happy because sadness is such an evil, it sneaks out each time happiness comes and grab it fast, runaway from me.
I can't find peace in everything. Pray just doesn't works and maybe it makes me sounds dull or something, I don't care. I try every possible way (not always logical but I'm still keep my way good and right) that could cure but couldn't hurt me more than the breakdown. I work like crazy, I went home late, I spent hours chat with Red and my friends, I ate, I'm doing theater, I cry, I try to wrote some words but that's become something I couldn't do anymore.
It's been almost a year and I still can't fix my heartache. And sometimes it seems like it can't be cured.