damn! life, give me a break, would ya? nah, I guess you wouldn't cause you're too busy to listen to me.

There's too much rage in me. A lot burden in my shoulder. Too much tears I shed but it keeps repeat over and over again. I wonder what's next. Wonder if I ever smile and feel the happiness again. Wonder if there's something remain the same. Wonder if it's probably just a wonder.

It's just too much. I actually can made a list of it.

1. Besties around me is just a fake friend. Not all of them, but some of them. More than half. I like, have 10 people who I consider as my best friend. People I love, I'll listen to, I'll fight for. There's Glo, Jean, Rezky, Eugene, Pat, Olive, Andia, gals couple and.... oh, it's less than ten! I used to have someone out of that list, someone who always been there whenever I need someone to hear me cry or giggle my little-silly excitement about anything. He used to be there for me, listen to me patiently without complaining. He's a boy (yeah). I think Red dislike him so my pals told me I gotta choose. I choose Red. Then he's gone, as if he's forgot he's my best friend too for a time. Now I have nobody in my back. Well I had them all. But it's just different. It's different. People really do change and so do I. But they change so fast.
   
2. I realize it's not important though I've been thinking about this for the whole month. But Yellow is coming home. And I think it'll be the last time I ever see him, if I do. I already mention in my old post, maybe a year ago about his smarty-ass-genius-brain so he gets a chance to study abroad by scholarship. He's got some contract to work in SG and last time I've heard about him he's going to have an apartment in there. Wow. He started a lifestyle on his own while I'm messed up with my life. Yeah, good for him. And I feel sorry than ever to myself.
3. College (sighs). It feels like having the same old question like a year ago, asking me and it need an answer immediately, "What do you wants to be?" I feel like a little girl, got a new sketch book and wonder what would I draw to fulfill the book to make a beautiful sketchbook until the last page. What will I be? If only my mother still alive, maybe I'll sing Que Sera Sera ironically.
4. I hate this situation. I almost hate my family and called my home Guantanamo. But above all of it, I hate myself. It's such a shame. I always be a good girl. I do extraordinary things (at least it's not ordinary in my neighborhood). But now I'm useless. Wish it's not for long.
   
5. I miss Red. That's simple and it literally could makes me gone mad. Insane.