Envy

I'm just thinking
what if.. I resign from my school?
It would be sad to out from there, and I have nowhere to go, too. And I hate to left my school, my liberty, my friends and most of all, my Red.

I hate yet shame to think that I don't live my life like I want to. Though I have no idea what I'm going to do, sometimes I just wanna go to somewhere, out from here all alone as long as I'm in my way. In my mind I have a plan to stay and wait. But I'm not a patient person to think if I were late to take a step, I'll ruin everything. Cause here I am, move on but I'm losing my muse. I feel so useless and feels like nobody will stand behind me. It feels like I'm standing all alone in this weary path of my life. And I want to break free.

I lost my friends as the time goes by. I lost them one by one, and there will be a day when I lost everything and had no one to count on. And people around me, I don't think they could make me as their friends cause somehow they don't understand. And people who understand, was understood and now they're changed.

It feels like I'm trapped here. I want to do fashion, writing, movies, all the dream I was fighting for. I was give my best but it's useless cause I'm the chicken-looser here. I thought I can deal with this, try to live in what I had. But I can't help myself to think about my friends who made it. I'm envy them.

In other side, I actually enjoy my life in Bandung. It's great to be there, places where I can organize myself like I want to. I'm not daddy's little girl in there, I'm a girl who did anything all by herself. I can be friend with most of people in there. I can be my own self at some time, when haters seems don't care or don't see me.

And what drove me insane the most is the fact that I can't write. Words doesn't come out! I lost my muse! That should be alright but I look to people who watched me and they like said, "You can't? I think you was a writer," or maybe something like "You can't, so what you can?". And that sad cause I'm not even sure than I deserve to have this or that. The worst part is sometimes I don't deserve to be loved though I really want to be loved. Maybe that's because I never be loved.

See, I actually have nothing. I lose all my confidence some times, but now it feels like I'm losing all. I ain't pretty or famous. I'm not genius or even had a good shape. I think I'm bored. I'm lame. Gee, shopping won't works. I still need a psychiatrist.