A Piece of Regret

I just thought, what kind of person I'll become later? Maybe next year, 3 years, 5 years or probably 10 years later?

Today I was take a look into my friends' life. And they looks happy with their life. I feel jealous, envy for a while, to realize that my life wasn't that great. A boy friend of mine are studying in the Bandung Technology Institute, he takes astronomy major and he used to play along with me when we were in elementary school. My girl friend, my ex friend in junior high are studying on there, too. My best friend in junior high went to Auckland, my ex-classmates in senior high went to Australia, my other ex-classmates went to Jakarta's Art Institute and being a movie maker, my ex-toddler group went to Singapore and learn fashion in the NAFA (and that's exactly I want to be a year ago).

And what about myself today? Well I'm not gonna say that I'm stuck in Bandung or something like that. I feel good to have myself in there and thank God I'm not in Jakarta cause my life would suck if I have a college life in here, I'll never get my liberty in here. I'm just an ordinary girl in a national tourism school. I learn how to managed some event perfectly and..

I don't know. I thought my life in Bandung were fun. In day I become a good student and when the night comes, sometimes, I went out to somewhere with pals and that's all. I should pleased with that, I should satisfied with that. And I was, but today I'm not.

I can talk to no one about this cause I don't think anyone will understand my point of view or what I actually want.. If Red read this post, maybe he'll understand somehow.. and understand why I don't want to be here, safe in my home. Cause I feel no happiness in here. I could be happy for a while, in days when I don't think about it and try to convince myself that everything's gonna be alright..

But when I wake up in a morning, to think about things I might have if only my Dad knows what I actually want to have, what I really want to reach in my own life, I'm drowning in my own tears. I don't think I asked too much. I just want to live a life that I love.

You know what, sometimes I feel like he always make me choose the path he wants me to choose, not my own path of life. To think about a year ago, I was so down cause he breaks my dream and somebody (I don't blame him) or maybe something ruin my life all at once. Nobody know that I've got a crazy mental breakdown a year ago. And I never share it to anybody (except Jean who always care and understand, somehow) and it's drove me crazy lately.

A year ago, in my last year in senior high school, I'm ready to face anything if I allowed to enter a fashion school. If I have to be pitty in one or two first year, I'm ready and I'll say "Let it be." In my head I kept thinking, maybe my life would be hard. But that's fine cause I'd rather take a chance than have myself drowning in regrets when I'm too old to do what I want, with all the responsibility and blah blah blah. I was ready, then it just disappear so easily. I am my daddy's little girl so I have to be in line he wants to.

And see? I spent my days with nothing but wondering what if I have more power to some riot and fight for my dream. I'm in the second biggest regret right now. Though I'm in the major that I want to learn, Bandung wasn't even my third choice. It was my last choice, the choice that I'll take only if I failed. It's my last back-up plan, the plan that I took with sighs and I wish I never take it but I took.

My first one was fashion design. Or fashion business and retail, it doesn't matter for me. But thay thought I would like Visual Communication Design. That's different but they don't care.
The second was creative writing and literature, to be a screen writer. And sadly, I don't get the seat in university I want to.
The third was movie maker, but they told me to do advertisement and I don't want it. Can't they see the difference of screen writer and advertising?
And the last, the very last choice. Tourism. I like it, but I don't love it as much as my love to my first, second and third choice.

And my desperate thought brings me to another thought: am I that dumb?
I'll wrote it later about how I feel nothing, dumb and not smart enough. Even for myself.