It's been days since I feel like there's a war between present me, hopes for future and my past memories in my head. I'm not in my best yet common phase of emotion. I said things I shouldn't to Red, I've ruined our anniversary moment whining like a child. I know, I know it's too much too complain since it's been a year by now but I don't think I will able to accept this and forget about every good things I've felt. Ever.
So I wonder how to act happy in the time when you should, but you really can't cause every time you try not to think about it a tears just came up and suddenly you find you hug yourself tight so you won't broke down cause it's hard to replace the little pieces back. It's not like I'm mad for him, the truth is I'm actually glad for all of his achievement. And I really appreciate how he always said he will help me to makes my shattered stupid old dream comes true. But it would be different then.
There's a difference between doing things you can do and things you want to do. Sure there will be no problem if you do something you can do. But when it comes to dream and liking or loving something (or even someone), no matter what trouble you may face I believe everything will be just fine cause you love it, then you'll give your best to make it works somehow.
And there's a difference between having something you get easily from connection or something and achieve something you really want with your own fighting and hard working. I know he said all those things just to cheer me up. And seriously, I really want to. But I just can't, knowing I won't achieve my childhood dream just the way I've planned.
I can't help myself. So pathetic. I used to think that's alright because sadder means wiser. But I really don't give a fuck right now. Being wiser doesn't mean anything right now.
No comments:
Post a Comment