Friendship

Mate.

I wonder what the true meaning of that word. Once I was believed that true friend is really does exist. But nowadays, I look back my life and I see no one. Well I have a very very good friend of mine that I really adore and care about, but I don’t think that 6 and 3 years friendship is proof enough. An ex-BFF of mine (sorry to hear that, even to myself) is being an annoying person to me. We don’t chat for hours or hangout with less money anymore, our topic of conversation become bored and it seems like she doesn’t care about me anymore as I don’t know who that girl is again. She changed and so do I so, that’s the end. I thought she will be my very best friend ever, but now I see there’s no more chance to make it real. Should I still call her BFF after what she done to me—believe that I’m atheist after my mother’s death—and what I’ve ‘done’ to her? She has no idea how it hurts to lose someone precious and feeling guilty for every second cause I’m not a good daughter when she’s alive. She has no idea, and I believe she will never know until she finds out herself (I’m not cursing, anyway).

Then I won’t care too much about it, as usual because I never let myself down of anything—even the hardest time in 2005 when I lost everything I had all at once. So I found another, the one who said “Well, I never feel relaxed to talk with my classmates as I talk to you or C (another BFF of her’”. Then I think she’s my BFF cause she understand the feeling of losing someone and she know how it hurts to angry to God. First I could see that she’s nice to me but then I realize that she left me. Sometimes I felt that she used me. And that’s not made me sad—I’m mad but I’m glad to know in the beginning.

So I guess I won’t care too much about friendship. I’ll just do my life well and after years and years, I’ll look out and found who’s been standing beside me in the toughest time of my life. That’s exactly what I’m gonna do. And no, I won’t believe in people who talk behind my head even I’ve spent many times with them cause BFF won’t lie, even the white one.

left to right : Jean, Rezky, Dvorah, Mrinindita and Glory.

Anyway, I’m not that skeptic as it probably sounds with these paragraphs. I’m very enjoying to having fun with my pal. We go to coffee shop to celebrate Jean’s birthday and make some noise in the cozy places. We (well, me) laugh out loud and make troublesome. Girls put a fake scorpion in casher’s keyboard but she didn’t scream as we expect. Well it probably sounds rude but hey, its high school and we got to make some noisy in this silent world. LOL. I love these gals, and I wish in our reunion, maybe ten years after today, the jokes didn’t sound bored. I wish I remember them all of my life.

I Miss Her

Death.
I never know how bad that word means. I think when someone passed away, our family or friends or lover, your life gonna change and you’ll never be the same anymore. Some part of us has gone and they won’t come back. Death leaves too many pain and believe me, no one could heal. The scar will always be there and even if you’re move on, it’ll always be there.

I lost my mommy in ALS when I was 13. Amyotrophic lateral sclerosis is a motor neuron disease, a fucking-shit-damn-disease that I really hate. There’s no medicine to that disease and every case ended with deadness. Read a best-seller book from Mitch Albom, “Tuesday with Morrie” to more information or you can e-mail me.
Anyway, even though that’s a big shot for me, I felt sorry to my daddy. He lost my mom, his father and his mother all at once, at the same year. But I never see him crying, ever.

I remember its Friday when my mother’s brother and my aunt woke me up in 10pm and we go to mortuary. I’m speechless. I couldn’t even cry out loud. I can’t believe it, cause I thought I’ve just pray but how could He didn’t listen to me? Then I go back to home, my grandma (my mommy’s mother) thought that I and my lil’ bro needs to get some sleep enough after all. I don’t remember his reaction cause I’m too overwhelmed with shock. That night, I was fall asleep in my mommy’s bed while my dad never leaves her until we buried it.

When I wake up in the morning, I thought it was the most frightening nightmare I ever had. But when I realized where do I slept and I didn’t find my mommy in her favorite sofa, at that times I knew that a terrible nightmare has become reality.
Family, friends and my parent’s colleagues—I never met half of them before—come to the mortuary. They hugged me and whisper in my ear that I must be strong. I said nothing. When all of my classmates comes, I give my best smiled and try to cheer them up—not them trying to cheer me up. When they gone, back for school, that’s the first time I knew that I’m a hypocrite person. Later I’ll smile when I’m happy and laugh when I’m too sad to cry. I couldn’t cry in front of people anymore except for the hardest time and I never chat with my friend again. I lost all of my BFF anyway.

In Bible it said that people who dead would not remember their life in world. I just wonder, if it’s true. How sad it is. I hate to imagine that my mommy doesn’t recognize me anymore. It’ll hurt me more than peoples did. What it look like from heaven? Will she remember me, somehow? Cause I’ll remember her for the rest of my life. Cause since she have been gone, I live to meet her someday.

I can’t wait for the happiest reunion I’ll have with my mom.

Rachel Roy

Its Rachel Roy RTW fall 2010. Actually I don’t really pay attention to him. These clothes are beautiful but they’re not my interest. But I love the dresses, really. Looks so edgy for me.

But the reason why I love her is because she’s kind of my inspiration. When I was 14 or 15, I watched Oprah and she’s there. I remember she wore a khaki trench coat. She said her inspiration comes from her old Vogue and she made her own wedding dress. Then the models come from the backstage and I don’t really remember what they wore but that’s look stunning and for that I amazed. Today I check it out in Oprah and that’s a beautiful broken-white dress (it doesn’t need to be ironing!) and a high-waist suit (that’s 2006 and I don’t think people 10 2006 wear high-waist things again. Or did they?)

For a teenager who was so naïve and never thought how her friends could be so mean, she’s my favorite icon. I remember how stupid am I using the internet to find him. I was wrong to spell her name then I got a woman named Rachel Ray (who later being my favorites too cause her dishes was simple and look delicious—I watched her almost every Saturday).
So, look at her masterpieces! I guess she’s the one who made me wants become a fashion designer.

what I saw in Oprah 2006

And that's her. So lovely (she's India and Egyptian-Dutch) yey stunning with the trench coat. I think she's the real trendsetter for sure.

Jason Wu Fall 2010 Ready-to-Wear Colection

Oh yeah!!

It's Jason Wu Fall 2010 man! I never pay attention to him before (sorry, Jason) but last week in the magazine I bought, someone wore his masterpiece and I'm wonder who he is? So I Google it and I found him in my lovely-favorite site http://www.style.com/ and I have to say that the dresses totally gorgeous and the coat / sweaters!! Gosh, it’s simple yet stylish. It’s the ‘IT’ things for this fall (even the summer haven’t come). Wow, wow, WOW!! I love it!

So, here’s the pic. Enjoy :)

How Skeptic Am I

I made a poem in school today while my friends get bored with mathematics and economy class. It’s weird but I don’t really care.

If I could send away my heart to Saturn
Let them stay for a dozen year of lights
Saved them from the greatest pain in the earth
I will live forever
I will live calm and peacefully
No tears, no diaries

If I could send my brain to the moon
Ask them to rent a house and beg to not coming back
Saved them from stress and headache
I will be immortal

It’s untitled and I don’t think its need some. It’s just me and nobody will like it anyway. It’s about my imagine to wonder how good it would be if I don’t have a heart to feel and brain to think if I were broken heart or feel empty inside or whatever may come to me. I think it would be great for me.
I don’t really believe that true loves exist. I’m changed from a little girl who believes that one day, somehow, a charming man will come and love me. Because even it’s true that he loves me, could he loves me the way I am? Will he still love me when I’m not pretty? When I’m bad?
I don’t believe it. True love maybe exists for some people. But not for me, not in these age. Anyway, a guy that I really care about can’t be mine (cause I don’t have courage after all) so I don’t think I could be happy then. Or can I?

February 14th 2010: Spread The Love With Money

Happy Valentine's day everybody! And happy Chinesse new Year too for people who celebrate it. This year, two huge events held in the same day. February 14th means Valentine's days and from the Chinesse calendar. It's a lunisolar calendar in cultures whose date indicates both of moon phase and the time of the solar year. Google it for more information. I'm half so I celebrate it too cause my family did it.

It's Valentine and I'm single, be loved and loves no one. Lil' bit cold, i guess, but that's alright. I stopped to wish that I have someone to share every celebration every year. Lover.. It's not important, isn't it? Not for my age. I love my life and I think that's enough. That should be enough for a human. But back to my Valentine's day six years ago, I tbelieve that it's the best Valentine I ever had. I was so deeply-madly in love with my senior in junior high so i give him a box of praline that I bought the day before. I clearly remember it was Monday and how my knees weak and I was so restless. Then when the night comes, someone called me. I thought that was my friend or some classmates but I was wrong.

He called me. He thanks for the chocolate (well actually I dont give it to him hand-to-hand) and we talk about 2 minutes or more. That's the first time and the last time he call me. I'm totally speechless and shocked and have no idea about what happened. Later I realize that he probably want to talk with me (and maybe he wants to know who am I, a big fan of him). That's the best Valentine I ever had, I will never forget the day for the rest of my life. I'm living with the memories and I guess that's enough.

Today I'm going to my uncle's house and get some hongbao (it's a red envelope with some money on it, given from the elder to the younger and family's member who unmaried). I don't want to think too much about Valentine when my heart is really empty cause even I'm always think about him in every second that I have, he's faraway and no way I could make it mine unless fate and detiny and those other silly things about love really exist.

Happy valentine, myself.

I Hate You Lil' Bro! But I Love You, Too..

I'm a teenager and my little brother is 10 years old. Sometimes I was so angry to him and I hated him for some time. He's naughty and he won't listen what I'm saying for his sake. He's a good boy and I know that's true. But since my Mommy passed away in 2005, he's changed. Well, I'm changed (and I guess my Daddy too) in a way. I have a very bad relationship with my friend then cause no one cheer me when I'm down, I have no classmates at all and some of them played some trick of me and I'm just to naive that age to realize that. My bestbud got a new one and my Mommy's dead. 2005 was a hard year for me.

And about my lil' brother. In spite of my Mom's absentness, I gotta feeling that I have to play that role, or at least try to play that role. I'm the only female in family (although my lovely Auntie never leave us ever for a sec and she lives with us now) and I think I have to do something.

My childhood wasn't good. Although I have a lot of friends, I have no memory of being myself in my childhood. I was so silly and whenever I remember about my childhood, I felt.. regrets. I'm 7 years older than my brother so I know what things that he will regret or no. I don't want him stuck in awkward situation or being bullying with his friends at school. I want him to get the entire best thing he could have. I want him to looks good in his first date, I want him to wear a good clothes so he'll not looks silly, I want all the best for him.

That's so simple but that's so hard to do. He won't listen to me. Sometimes we could spend a day without fighting or debating or me, shouting to him cause I'm fullfill of anger. But the other they, we did these things. He'll hid my stuff when he's angry with me and when I found that, I'll be angry too then I waste his stuff into the trash and he'll never find that again. I hate to fighting with my brother, but he makes me to do that. And after I go to my room and away from him, I'll cry and wish that I could be little bit patient. And it become a cycle.

God, please help me. I can't do this alone without You.

RIP Alexander McQueen

I just post 6 ways Alexander McQueen changed fashion and now I have to face the truth that he's past away. Gosh, I'm shocked and totally speechless. How could this happen to him? he's so genius, adorable, most creative man in fashion. He's dead in 40, February 2, 2010. RIP.

In Yahoo!News it said that the circumstances pointed to a possible suicide, but there was no confirmation from police or McQueen's publicists. Authorities said the death was not suspicious, apparently ruling out foul play. They did not indicate how McQueen was discovered.

The Sun tabloid cited an anonymous source on its Web site who said workers found McQueen hanging in his apartment. The newspaper gave no further details. His family issued a statement asking for privacy.
McQueen is credited with helping revive the once-moribund British fashion industry. His edgy pieces were coveted and treasured by stylish women across the globe and seen on numerous red carpets.
Vogue Editor-in-Chief Anna Wintour called McQueen "one of the greatest talents of his generation."

McQueen made his name first in London, then wooed audiences in Paris, New York and Milan to take his place in the upper echelons of the designing world. He was named British Fashion Designer of the Year four times, and was recognized by Queen Elizabeth II in 2003, when she made him a Commander of the British Empire for his fashion leadership.

I really wish it's just a nightmare. He changed the world and fashion with that skulls prints and amazing theatrical catwalk shows and of course my favourite, that aligator shoes! He just too good and it's too early for him to die.

"Six Ways Alexander McQueen Changed Fashion"

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/uk_news/magazine/8511404.stm

read it yourself! every people who loves fashion and runway (and McQueen, too) should know this.

p.s. i love you McQueen!

High School Never End: The Origami Airplane

Hahaha. I just come back from school and still I couldn't help to smile and smile. Today, my lovely class that I attend, grade 12 of Social 2, had given a punishment to clean the field (volley and basketball field wich has other function as soccer field and places to held the natinoal ceremony, too) for a week since today.

And you wonder why I wrote this full of smile and cheerful atmosphere? Cause it's kinda funny for me! Well I dont know what public opinion and I won't care. The reason why me and my 19 classmates get that punishment after hear some annoying speech from Miss Hyposentrum (an ex-teacher of mine, which one got a bad opinion from students) about attitude and bla bla bla, is because we fly the origami airplane after the bell rang and some of us go to home cause they won't stay for extra lesson for natinoal examination. Yeah, that damn national exam that will held 39 days or less and every day, after the morning's pray, the spokeperson will remind us about the days. That's ain't funny at all cause in fact, I'm kinda nervous to know that.

Anyway, the first one who found a pack full of brochure of an international university in the town is me. It's an annoucement about a programme but it's out of the day. So I took one and make an envelope for my CD. Then the boy who sit behind me took one and make the origami airplane when I learn how to make an origami swan with helps of my other friend. Then they see that, and every student start to make one or two or three origami airplanes.

We started it with make it fly in the classroom. Then with someone's idea (still no one know who is she/he), we go to the porch of library and drop it from 3rd floor. FYI, my school is an very old building which was bulit in 19th century, a long time before the World War I. For a minute, everybody's happy and laugh, we ready to learn geography again. Then they come.

About 5 or 6 good teachers changing as green-eyes monsters. Then we have to apologize one by one (well technically it's five persons for 6 minutes or less) and cleaned that big, huge field.

Oooh. High school never ever end. I'll put the pic later.

All At Once

It's been a while since the last time I met him. I remember that day, it's Saturday and I go to Church after stop by in barber shop and let them makes me look like Dora The Explorer with the bob hair style. It's windy and I didn't even think about him that day for I'm in my program to move on after all this time. When I saw him there, I feel.. so enchanted. He definetly not handsome in my eyes (I think Hugh Jackman was more and more than him). But somehow, in that places full with people, it's like only him the one that I can see. But I imagine later, if I had to choose: dinner with Hugh Jackman or standing right beside him for five minute or less, I would choose the second answer.

Today, I wake up in the morning and see my reflection in mirror. My pony was longer than I ever thought. I have no pony anymore cause it's so long and reach my lips (or longer, I think)

I'm searching parts of him in my dream and find nothing. It's kinda weird for me, that I'm desperately fallen for someone who forgot my name, for years. Plus, he's studying abroad and I have to face the truth that I'm failed to be there. All at once, I lost love and dream. I can't studying abroad like him, to the place he lives and I can't make my dream, my future jobs that I've been dreaming of come true.

I wonder what's coming for me next. It's like I'm trapped in a room without oxygen and food for months.. but I'm still alive.

Chloé Pre-Fall 2010

pre-fall 2010

pre-fall 2009

Chloe pre-fall 2010! It looks well, preppy yet boyish and I think it could be the next trend for this season. I saw it in http://www.style.com/ (my favourite web) it makes me really wants to buy a suit for myself then go somewhere to take a picture. This is a good idea of style cause I bored with the jumpsuit things or blazer mixed with dress.

But when I first saw it, I'm little bit shocked. Don't you think its too plain for Chloé? I mean, they doing well in last season, in pre-fall 2009. I love the semi-edgy looks and I adore it very much. What's happened to them?

However, it's just my opinion. I still love the dresses of pre-fall 2010.

Alexander McQueen Aligator Shoes S/S 2010

Yes!!

It's a lame topic but still I wanna spread my love of this shoes in my first post (my old blog is sooo.. bored). Fashionista out there, I'm sure you love this shoes (even you may not want to wear them cause my friends said it's kinda creepy). But hey, I love this shoes. Alexander McQueen is the real genius.

Lady Gaga wore it in her MV (it's music video, if you don't know) Bad Romance. That's song is really damn good and you should listen it, anyway (I love Lady Gaga!). That song was the background song for Alexander McQueen runway for S/S 2010 in finale. It's title "Plato's Atlantis", check it out in http://www.alexandermcqueen.com/