What's on My Life in 2010

So it's the last day in 2010, I decided to made a list. It's all about 2010, what's changed in my life. Good things get worse, bad heart get better, loneliness and broken heart turns into a new flame as I had move on and found the real love, etc. Here we go.

1. I pass the crazy national exam, which it means I gotta say goodbye to my best fellas in senior high school. But the memories of being the part of XIIS2 is unforgettable and I hope, the friendship would lasts no matter how far we apart or how long we didn't meet :)
2. I made it, to enter the school that I really want. Management and Business of Convention, which is bring me to the next point..
3. I get my freedom. Out from the house and move to the new town. I learned things and found the pleasure to live in individuality, something I really wants to have since last year.
4. I, finally, moving on. 9 years of love is silly but I can't helped.. till this July, when with my little small courage, I decided to tell him and let it go. Let the story have the ends. And that is such a big relief that I finally over him.
5. Then, it probably the best things I ever had in 2010 (and in my life, maybe). It's the best part of 2010.. that met Red. It's sounds crazy and maybe it is. I fell in love and I realize.. that I'm totally get over with my past. Plus, I love my Red so much like a girl to her teddy bear, day and night pass with my thoughts of him. Hope this love will lasts :)
6. I got so many experiences in life and makes me be a stronger person. Someone wants to let me down, I can stood up still and win the race. Red broke my heart so bad, I'm stood up still, forgive the mistakes and give a little try as I believe in him. Some people doesn't like me, that's quite alright as long as there's still a good friends who take me as I am.
7. I have a pleasure in shopping this year, much better than last year LOL
8. I feel like I'm a better person in 2010, somehow

That's all I can remember though..

The Hatters

Have you ever feel.. or think that someone or some people might hate you?

I know, even when they said nothing, that they don't like me. I can't tell.. My attitude? My face? My style? Or what? Something I cannot tell cause I don't even know what it is.

Well, I hate to feel this but I won't care. At least I'm trying not to care. As long as I live, just a little change I've made and nobody really cares. I mean, I never be mean to someone without causes and I never got critic about that.. which takes me to two point of view. Is that because my old pals won't hurt my feeling cause the truth is, I'm annoying? Or is it only people's comment, which don't really matters to me as long as my besties and some other people thinks that's alright?

I won't care, even deep inside I know that I actually care about what people said. Well, I don't think I do wrong to them, so why they even bother me? If they don't like me, why don't they just stay away instead talk about me? Why don't they just careless about me? Am I so bad then they judge me easily? Have I do you wrong, hatters? (Well, I think 'hatter's is too much but I couldn't find any other words right now). Too much love could kill you (taken on one of Queen's song) and in my opinion, if you hate too much people in their weakness will makes you alone and miserable. And that's sad.

I hate to think that people hate me, cause they actually don't know much about me. Well, they could say that I'm blah blah blah and blah blah blah, but have they ever be me? Have they ever through times and moments like me, exactly like what I'm going through? Before you judge me why don't you try hard to love me? (That's what MJ said in "Childhood" song, the only words that hard to forget).

I don't get it. Maybe I should take a look on myself, too.

“Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind.” ~ Dr. Seuss

Your Call

To Red:

So I think now you realize that every little thing you do could makes me happy and sad. You call me an hour ago, did you know that it's the very first call with no reason from you? We talked about nothing, just chat in casual way like we usually did. We just listen to Katy Perry's Fireworks and have a light jokes. It probably means nothing for you or people, but it means a lot for me. The thought of you thinking of me, makes me have this great feeling. I'm happy.

Well, you don't have to asked if I love you anymore. You know I do. And I wish, I always do cause at this moment, I wan't nobody else but you. Even if I have to choose between you and my past, I think it's you the one who'll be chosen. Well, I love my past for a long time. But I love myself when I'm with you more, and that is something I wouldn't feel with any other guy.

And I hope you feel the same way too.

P.s.

Love you more than you know :)

Red-Heart-Question-marks

To love someone we hate,
is easier than hate someone we love.

To forgive our love,
is easier than forgive our enemy.

To care about person you love,
is easier than care about your own self.

To miss someone you love,
is easier than be missed with someone we love.

And loving you,
is damn, much more easier than have you loving me.

P.s.
I'm thinking about let you go cause some people told me to think about it. I hate that suggestion, but somehow I think they probably right. I do realize that anguish would kill me. Then I think of you.
You probably happier without me. You, maybe, better off without me. You'll be fine, cause you're not so sincere like me.
But the matter is the fact that I don't want to. Or worse, maybe I can't.
I'll be fine, though it can't be easy for me and I need some times to cheer myself up. I can back to my past, but I won't. I can find another, but I don't think I can.

Maybe that's because I'm a girl. Heart, once it's loves, it'll loves forever. And once it's broken, it's broken forever though it looks just fine. And if it patient, then it'll be waiting, always.
So that means that I'm strong enough to have you here and hurts, and strong enough to let you go. And hurts, too. I'll drowning in my own tears in any side I choose.

G-Red

How could I miss someone that I never have even for a while? How can I miss G, to remember I actually never share memories with G?

My life has it's cycle. Just one dream and it's blew up. My decision to leave disappear, my wish to taste it come backs, my sense blur. G ruin my life with just one silly daydream. And with just one greeting, G's got me crazy. G's almost perfect in my eyes: he's definitely genius, has a big ambition, knows what he want to do, what he wants to have and he's working on it, and the best part, he's G. My G, and I think he always be. G owned everything, every part of me, even the littlest and the slightest part.

I used to think that all I ever wanted is G. It was, but it is? What about now, after all this past 6 months? When I declare to let him go, move on and in love with Red?

I'm IN love with Red. And I was crazy about every parts in G. I used to believe that there's a difference between them. Cause love, I think, it's when he loves you too. And if he's not, I guess that's not love.

But for now, the difference is very slight.. and I can't really see things clear right now. I can tell whom do I really care about, is it G or Red than I'll choose if someone asked me to choose. I don't know what's happen to me, I have no idea what my heart wants to say. Seems like my sense get sick and I can sense nothing at all.

Question: Can you give your love to someone else and share your dream with other?
Answer: lot of question marks.

Three Words

You said you love me. I took a smile and glad cause you do, though I'm not so sure if you literally do. Then you asked me if I love you. And I'm speechless, I don't know what to say.

Should I say yes? That's probably true.
Or should I say no, to think about possibility of pain if I say yes.

And when we're in silence, without any logical reason, I said I love you. Maybe I just want to say it to fill the emptiness. Or maybe I said it cause I want to. Or maybe that's the truth.
It's nice to heard you love me too, as you replied my words.
But did you know, what am I thinking in my head? Things that somehow, I can't say though I really want to?

In my head I keep thinking: "So now you know that I love you like I said before, please don't go breaking my heart and make me regret what I've said a minute ago, dear. Don't make me think that what you said is a crap if only someday, you drowning me in my own tears.. again."

And even though you said love, I don't really believe it. Cause there's couple of time when you say you do, you're not cause I've seen what you've done.

Do I sounds mean cause I have a thoughts like this? Maybe. But I think it's alright if it's hard for me to believe if you were me. Twice too many times.

Someday

It's just some words that I wrote when I was going to move to Bandung. It's a song, cause I have some melody in my mind while made this poem but sorry, I'm not the expert of music or playing instrument song it's only me who ever heard this song. So please enjoy the words and tell me what do you think about this poem..

I was sleeping in your side
you have me a blanket when it's cold
I remember those happy times
we was laugh together as we talk about world
I am hoping its' not the end
road we're take is different, won't you come away me?
I'm so happy and glad I found you
don't say good bye, it's not a farewell
it's time to fly
and we'll meet again someday

I was joking when I said you're only a child
you're the one who taught me how to grow
I want to stay here with you
but I have a dream and I can't let it go
I am so sad, you help packed my things
knowing that you love me and pretend it's alright
I'm so grateful have someone like you
forget me not, remember me
I have to go
and I'll back to you someday

It's dedicated for my family and friends.
Jeanifer, the one who put a blanket while I'm asleep in our farewell-tour of XIIS2
Glory, when we shared crazy laugh every day as we went to home
Resky and Niya, who move to other city for college, just like me

Frans, my fatty lil' brother who teach me how to be adult
My dad, who used to persuade me to college in Jakarta. Sorry Pop, I will live in regret if I let it go
My auntie, who always support me and have a faith in me that I can do it well

P.s.
I miss you badly all ;) God bless you, anyway

Design to My Blog

Well I'm a little bit confused to tell what a good design for my blog. My hand wasn't made for this thing, I guess.
Can anybody help me, PLEASE?! (I'm bended on my knee and begging someone to help me).

Blood is Red

Some drugs can heal the scars. Any cure can't heal the pain. I'm bleeding and it's Red.
Yes. Blood is Red. I should have know earlier and better.

I made Red do what I want: push him away while I'm still care of Red. Some says Red was sincere but sorry, I'm not the one who broke the glass first. Wasn't my fault if the scars were remain. It hurts and I think it should be getting better since I'm single ice cream from now on. Somehow I'm so relief though there's a part of me that feel 'lil bit sad cause I let go something I actually love. Something that I actually wants to keep.

But I'm tired. I can't stand it anymore. I'm sorry to myself, I even sorry to Red cause Red won't this happen and Red's hate my decision (or maybe that was only how it looks). It's killing me when I found something strange in his gaze. He's here with me but where is Red? Red's not with me.

But you know what? True love is all the same like Aborigine's traditional weapon. Love just like a bazooka. You pull it away and it backs to you again. It will. I'm searching the truth in myself, truth in my life, truth in every little thing I did. Truth in my love, too. I'm searching for a true love and I won't play any game of love.

Time heals. It should be.
And if it's not work, I guess I have to continue my life with my little pieces of broken heart, but not with regret.

But somehow I believe Red would back again. I just have to wait in unlimited time. One thing I'm sure, it couldn't be so hard. Not as hard as Giraffe's case.

Me on A Page of Yearbook

It's been a while since pals tagged me in yearbook album. It's been a while since the last time I wrote in humblestyler. Being college student wasn't that easy though. So I was posted my style already when I was doing the photo shoot. This is it.
Guess I'm not born for fashion since I knew my passion for fashion has fade away lately. Sometimes I think dress up is suck. Don't know why I didn't care about how do I look. Maybe someday my passion will back, just like true love.

About Two Past Week

Do you remember my last post? A song that I post became a reality. Red didn't read that, of course, but he did what I wish he didn't. Taylor sang, "Baby, don't you break my heart slow". And Red did. He did it to mine.

My heart didn't break so easily, but it's crooked and it's hurting me pretty much. Red makes me believe that I was worth to have, worth to love after all happen with Giraffe: my broken heart, countless tears, sleepless nights thinking about him and fights without his attention. Red endure couple of big injury in me, I thought, and I was going to have him everything he needs: affection, embrace, spirit, hope and me by his side in the hardest moment.

But Red slipped away.. and made some fatal error. He choose me in the end, though I didn't care who he actually wants in his arms. I never persuade him to choose me because deep inside, I actually still care about Red. I want the best for someone I care about, my best friend, even the best thing for him wasn't me.

The tornado has over and we can sit in calm right now. I forgive him so easily, cause it's sad to angry too long and it's kinda suck to avoid. What he has done means nothing right now. But still I wonder who's on his mind while his gaze not look at me..

I wonder how could I make it through. I wonder if Vanessa William's Save The Best For Last would be a good song in the end of this story..

Baby Don't You Break My Heart Slow

I like the way you wanted me
Every night for so long baby
I like the way you needed me
Every time things got rocky

I was believing in you
Was I mistaken, do you mean?
Do you mean what you say
When you say our love could last forever

(Chorus)
But I'd rather you be mean than love and lie
I'd rather hear the truth and have to say goodbye
I'd rather take a blow at least then I would know
But baby don't you break my heart slow

I like the way you'd hold me
Every night for so long baby
I like the way you'd sing to me
Every time things got rocky


I was believing in you
Was I mistaken do you say
Do you say what you mean
When you say our love could last forever

(Chorus)
Cause I'd rather you be mean than love and lie
I'd rather hear the truth and have to say goodbye
I'd rather take a blow at least then I would know
But baby don't you break my heart slow

(Bridge)
You would run around and lead me on forever
While I stay at home still thinking we're together
I wanted our love to last forever

(Chorus)
But I'd rather you be mean than love and lie
I'd rather hear the truth and have to say goodbye
I'd rather take a blow at least then I would know
But baby don't you break my heart slow
Baby don't you break my heart slow

p.s.

I love you. At least, I will. I'm going to love you more and more.
More today than yesterday, but not as much as tomorrow.
I'll give you everything sooner or later as long as you still here.
So baby, please, don't break my heart slow.
I'd rather hear the truth earlier, say goodbye earlier, and save my heart from breaking down before it's too late..

The History of Pinky Swear

Once upon a time in a great, huge kingdom, there’s wise Princess. She’s so pretty so Princes from all over the world came to propose her. At the end, five handsome princes made it to the final pick. To see who would be the best match for her, she gave them a test. She hid her right hand behind her back and folded her finger but one. And the princes had to guess which it was.

The first prince she saw is totally a rich. He wore gold in every inch in his body—golden tunic, golden hat, golden shoes. He lifts his thumb and offers her a big, beautiful golden ring. The Kingdom would be so rich if she marries him, but the finger wasn’t match so she walked pass him by.

The second prince looks so clever. He’s got bold eyeglasses in his face. He lifts his index finger, as he always did to his teacher. The Kingdom will be a developed Kingdom, but she passes him because the finger didn’t match.

The third prince is the strongest one, she presumed. He’s so tall with big muscles in his arms. The Kingdom will be more powerful, she thought. But he lifted his middle finger. The Princess stays in freeze in a while, slap him and pass him by as it wasn’t the same unfolded finger.

The fourth prince is the most talkative prince. He always admired her, flatter her with those sweet words and praise her. It makes her happy. However, he lifted the ring finger. It probably a good meaning of marriages, but she pass him by cause that’s not the unfolded finger she hides.

Then she made a step to the last prince. He wasn’t the strongest, richest, genius or Casanova prince like the others. It’s her last hope, the Princess said to herself. The prince raises his hand in silence, everybody waiting in suspense. Then he lifted his baby finger, the smallest one all over the fingers. Surprisingly, the Princess show off her unfolded finger and it match. And that’s the sign that she finally found someone. Soon they get married and they live a happy life. They couldn’t be any happier.

But the Crusade began and the prince had to go to war. Before he left, he promised her that he will come back alive. He crossed her pinky to her, and that is swear he made to her wife.

Days, months and finally years pass away. There’s no news from him and she couldn’t tell whether he still alive or dead. And because she was still beautiful in ages, although so many men came to the palace and asking her to remarry them, she has a faith. She believes that her husband would come back and turned them down.

But at some time, she couldn’t turn them down anymore. She decides to remarry suitors who would cross his pinky with hers. But nobody understand the pinky swear she aim.

One day, a filthy beggar came and showed up at the palace. The guard tried to throw him out, but the Queen tells him to come in because everybody’s should be given an opportunity. She lifted her pinky finger and the beggar cross his pinky to hers. The she realized that the beggar was the Prince. The Prince comes back! She was so glad and relief that finally her husband came back. The Princess and the Prince live well then.

Until there’s one day, In the middle of the night, she wake up and find out that the Prince had disappear. The truth is, the Prince got killed in his way home from the battlefield. The ghost, the folks believe, will stay for 49 days. That was the 49^th days after his death. It’s the last night, and the Prince was come back to fulfilled his promised. A pinky swears is his promise to come back alive. He had to come back even as a ghost to keep his promised he’d made to his wife.

After a big search, she finally found his body. As she cross her finger to his, she drank a poison. She fell asleep in his arms and never wakes up again.

P.s. I wrote this story by myself but I don't make this story. When I was younger, I watched a late-night movies and there's a part when the women told this story to her boyfriend. I google it and found out the title of the movie is Windstruck. It's Korean and I don't remember how the story goes but this fairy tale.

In Bad, Bad Mood

I've been so moody lately :( And I can't figure it out why.

It's holiday, again, so I got to back home and leave Bandung for a week and half. And somehow it's not an easy thing to do. I love to be there. I love the freedom to do what I want and to not listen what my daddy's said. I love to be alone and now, after a month of loneliness (though I never felt so lonely), back to home drive me crazy. I can't do that, I have to act like this. It's literally sucks.

I miss my place in Bandung, where it's so fresh and cold. I miss the feeling of waking up in my room and the smells of everything in there. It's so weird cause when I move to Bandung, I never feel homesick at all. Am I that weird? I love to be there, that's a truth.

Geez, I hate to be here, in the middle of crowded in my own family. Can I back to Bandung right now?

Smooch

And I knew how it feels. In two days seems like I've been the expert of that thing. Gee.
I realized that I have no experiences or even an idea about date things, though I damn-understand about how it feels to love someone, but not be loved.

I think it's amazing, literally, how someone I like was actually like me back. It's amazing how I could have a chance to know what chemistry of affection means and how it feels. It's perfectly amazing and I'm happy right now. I'm perfectly Red.

Officially Red

Yesterday seems like a dream. In my sleep I'm afraid that that was only my crazy hallucination and poor fairy tale. But thanks God it wasn't. It's damn real. Red and I.

So today's gonna be a good day, that we will spend it together. It's so funny how we share the secrets that we kept for 3 weeks.. and it's so amazing and unpredictable how we actually interested to each other at the same moment! Geez!

Last night he walked me home after dinner with pal. I thought he do that cause his precious cigarettes was left in my room and he come for taking it.. Then he say it after we made a jokes.

I have no answer but 'yes'. I do. And I've been long for that. And now everything is clear. I won't care about past cause all I have is present and all I want is future.

Anyway, somehow Dante Alighieri was taking part in this story by his words:

L'amor che muove il sole e l'altre stelle

Red

Waitress sounds like a job. But I guess I were born to be one. Waitress. The wait-er, people who always and always wait patiently for something.. or maybe someone.

So when my case with Mr.Giraffe was closed, I'm getting numb for few days.. then I met him. The newcomer, the one who could make me laugh, life and love at the same time. Let's call him.. Red. I guess it's a perfect nick. Red would be nice to hear, like Mr.Big by Carrie Bradshaw.

He's damn hilarious and we share so many tunes every time we work together. He's gentle and I don't think I have (or I'll have) other reason why I chose.. like Red. Red treat me so kind, and I wish (and I feel) there's something between us every time he walked me home. It's just feel so nice and amazing how I could feel damn comfortable when I'm with Red.

It's like the opposite side of Mr.Giraffe. He told me what I want to hear, what I was waiting from Mr.Giraffe. And by the time we getting closer, I never mention that damn giraffe anymore.

Yes, I gotta admit it sooner or later that I'm in the game. I'm the player. And it's such a fun, relax and sweet games to play.

But I wish the situation is easier. I've told myself not to hurt anybody, but it seems like I will break my own rules for the second time because of Red.

You Are The Sunshine of My Life

You are the sunshine of my life
That's why I'll always be around
You are the apple of my eye
Forever you'll stay in my heart

I feel like this is the beginning
Though I've loved you for million years
And if I thought our love was ending
I'd find my self drowning in my own tears

You are the sunshine of my life
That's why I'll always stay around
You are the apple of my eye
Forever you'll stay in my heart

You must have known that I was lonely
Because you came to my rescue
And I know that this must be heaven
How could so much love be inside of you?

Damn I love this song. Perfectly fit for in love mode on. Stevie Wonder sung it, but I personally loves Lisa Ono's version song cover.

Napoleon to Josephine

I wake filled with thoughts of you. Your portrait and the intoxicating evening which we spent yesterday have left my senses in turmoil.
Sweet incomparable Josephine, what a strange effect you have on my heart!
Are you angry?
Do I see you looking sad? Are you worried? ...
My soul aches with sorrow, and there can be no rest for your lover; but is there still more in store for me when, yielding to the profound feelings which overwhelm me, I draw from your lips, from your heart a love which consumes me with fire? Ah! it was last night that I fully realized how false an image of you your portrait gives!
You are leaving at noon; I shall see you in three hours.
Until then, mio dolce amor, a thousand kisses; but give me none in return, for they set my blood on fire.

Bonaparte

I hate Napoleon for some reasons.

Like, he left Josephine so easily and had an affair with other women and said something like 'power is my mistress'. Damn, he's such a jerk (sorry but I don't think I'm wrong). After all those sweets love letters, with romantic words and sounds like he truly deeply madly in love with her, he left her just like that? Because she can't pregnant?

I hate that kind of person who can forget the love so easily. I mean, Josephine was his wife! I absolutely could understand if you love someone and they don't love you back so all of your love letters (or some kind like that) is wasting.

Am I wrong to think that someone could never stop love someone else who love them back, somehow? Cause in my 18-years-old life, I don't think I could make it. It took a very long time for me to move on from a guy who don't even care about me. And I can't imagine if my heart could change when I love someone and somehow he loves me, too.

Well, I'm sure Napoleon was the opposite side of me. Maybe he's got he's own reason. Or maybe I'm just too naive.

Goelali: Children's Film Festival 2010

It's not the latest event I went but still I want to post it. It's children's film festival 2010 by an organization named Goelali. It's actually the old pronunciation of word 'gulali' that means sweets.

Franz, my fatty-lil bro, told me about that events and he whined around about that events. Once he said it's for free, I'm glad then we decided to go. I booked the ticket cause it's limited seat, then we go to Plaza Indonesia the next day.

It's a huge events and I kinda like it even there's a lot of noisy children. There's a painting exhibition, origami class and many more. We watched an old Japanese movie titled "Sadako Senzaburu" or something like that (I'm not J-movie maniac, FYI) and it's touching. It's about an innocent girl in 12 who got cancer as the effect of Hiroshima-Nagasaki bomb during the World War II. She believe that hundred or thousand bird origami could grant her wish to be health, so she makes thousand of origami while she was hospitalized.

I left the theater before the movie ends cause I want to pee, so I have no idea how the movie ends. But it must be very touching cause my bro said so.

Franz with the parrots.

He actually kinda scared of animals.

But won't admit it and always said that they're cute when I said so.

What a stubborn boy.

Me and the parrots from Indonesia's Safari Parks in Bogor.

They're really cute, hanging on my shoulders.

The green one won't let me go so I stuck with him for minutes.

Last Thoughts

Sometimes, the very thing you looking for is one thing you can't see

I love those words, taken from old song Save The Best For Last by Vanessa Williams. I love that song, I always have. Without any logical reason, I made myself writing even when I'm actually wants to sleep.

I thinking about it, again. The closure. That guy wasn't, and he'll never be my present or future. Time's up and I knew. I've told myself hundred times a day and still, when I have nothing to worry about, I think about it.. him. I've tried, but sometimes I slipped away and I just can't help. No comment please, except you're the expert of how forget a guy that you always love since you was a little girl. Forget something (someone, in my case) will never be a easy thing to do and it takes time. Days, weeks, months or probably years.

I think it's him that I miss to love, cause my heart is perfectly empty now and it seems like no cure can endure. But then I realize it's not about him. It's all about the feelings. I miss the feeling of loving someone. And then I knew that I can continue my life well, with or without him. Guess that's a very positive thought as the first step of move on.

I was wrong to wants him to be my last. You know why? Cause your first love makes you think that he's the last, and your last makes you believe that he's your first one. I believe in my quotation so I bold it up:) But I believe that people failed to be right, they met the wrong ones to meet the right one.

Anyway, two nights ago I got a dream. There's a man and he's kind of my type. Literally, he is and that's the opposite of my giraffe-man, absolutely. He's big, with a muscle (I guess) and strong impression though he got a very calm pretty face. And in my dream, he was care about me. I was so stubborn and fierce in my dream but somehow, he make it equal with the tenderness and all things I wish I found in my future husband (laugh, baby, laugh!). Such a sweet dream, really, though I don't really understand what I've dreamed about. But this dream have me wish a little hope to find someone like that.

Cause just like Carrie Bradshaw, I'll meet my Mr. Big and marry him someday.

Gee

It's my 9th days in Bandung and damn, I miss my hometown much. I miss the heat, the street, the smell, the feel. I miss my lil bro, my pet, my bed, my room, my dolls, my mates, bff's and everything about Jakarta.

So I stayed here, in a small room that only the half of my room in Jakarta. But it's pretty cute to have my own-house with everything I need inside of it. I have my own laptop (I don't know if it officially mine or not) and I could decorate my room! But sadly, I left the scrap paper in room study. I'll bring it if I come home and show you later.

And speaking about my new room, it's crazy here. College life is not like I was thinking about. I had a wrong, wrong prejudice. Tourism is not easy as I wish. It's hectic and very strict here. One little mistake could chop me alive. However, it doesn't mean that I'm so sad. I just felt so lonely cause I haven't found a perfectly fit friends like I had. I gotta be very tough here to alive and I gotta be stronger than anyone else. I have my mission, to be the best student in my major and a visions to get a fab job and live well after the graduation in 4 years.

But it's kinda fun, too. I got 4 lessons of languages: Indonesian, English, Chinese and French. That's the only good news though.

In case you wonder why I haven't post my humblestyler section, that's because I have a tragedies here ;( I've spent 3 days in military school as the freshman and my skin gone black. It's not tan like I wish I had, and it's not white & pale like I used to have last week. It's black, totally. And the worst of all, I don't pick out my glasses when it burns so don't ask me how I deal with a skin like this. And the last, I didn't bring my camera and that's so sad cause I (finally) bought a white simple tap dance shoes (or Oxford? i can't tell the difference) in IDR 70.000. Geez, that's more cheaper than I ever imagine.

Luella Spring 2010 RTW (love it! love it! love it!)

it's the genius Luella!

so 70's. good job

So this is the latest masterpiece form Luella Bartley. Like I have always expected, it's so adorable, sexy, cute yet trashy. How I love the heart-chest-dress. Maybe that's what I called "ultra lovely". I should make a dress like that. I always love Luella's dress. I probably love it too much. Guess I'll love her dresses forever more. It's too pretty to be true.

Anyway, the pic wasn't mine. Taken from every fashionista favorite's site, indeed.

Closure with Giraffe Man

So I finally let him know.
I've been waiting for a very long time but it doesn't felt like I assume. I feel.. I'm not sure. I don't feel numb.. but maybe this is how it feels to give up. I'm give up. But am I? I knew this is the end because I said goodbye to him. The only reason why I chose this college, beside my curiosity and little wish to work as wedding planner, is him. I was failed go to there cause living in SG is damn hard. I can't afford that cause I'm not a millionaire (well I wish I was, at least I wish I will) and I'm not-so-talented in knitting. My mission to reach all at once was failed so I lost all at once, too. Love and dream. So that's why I choose this school, cause I know it's the only possible way, for me, to go there. I used to say to myself, "I've been waiting for 9 years so if I gotta wait 1 or 2 years more, it doesn't matter cause I know what I really want."

Then I wonder.. Am I really want it? I force myself to make a very big step beyond my ability to do it.

So I told him.. and waiting felt like centuries. I'm lil bit nervous and shaking. He's so gentleman. He just too good to be true (for me) and that's why I always love him, even there's a time when I love my ideal man with tattoo in his back and I don't want him to be my giraffe-man anymore. He said thanks to love him cause it's nice to know that somebody loves him. And he apologize cause he thought he gave me a blank hope. He's not. It's my fault who always looking for a hope even the slimmest one when I actually knew that something like that will never happen to me.

I admit that I was so greedy.. and selfish. Maybe that's why I never been in a real relationship that last. Cause I adore someone too much and wait too long. Well, I do apologize for boys who treat me well, I really mean it.

I already knew the point, even if I don't asked and wait for his answer. It doesn't feel hurt and I said I'm perfectly fine. I'm over him. I'm moving on now.

But still. He's gonna be my Giraffe-man. Always.

Cute Bento

Cute bento. I guess it just too cute to be eaten later.

Anyway I'm going to hospitality, tourism & travel college by Monday. Maybe I could meet someone from Kitchen class to make it for me LOL.

Paris van Java Part.2

Alright.

It's been.. a day and couple hours since I heard that overjoyed news that I've been accepted in travel & tourism academy in Bandung. My head keep saying, 'I'm gonna be a good, success event organizer'. I can guess what the sketch of my future is.

But the next question is popping in my mind: "Am I selfish?"

Am I selfish? To my family, I mean. My dad, my brother, my aunt and everybody who loves me. It feels like I'm going to a far, strange places (even it only takes 3 hours from Jakarta to Bandung). I have to leave my home then.

It's been my ideal life of college since I was in first year in senior high, to leaving my hometown and move to study. I think it wouldn't be so hard cause I believe that I'm different with others. I'm so cocky and thinks that I'm mature enough to take care of my self, I can do it and I can do that with or without anyone's help.

Well maybe that's right. I can cook well (for my tongue, absolutely). I can do laundry and dishes by myself. I have a vision in life about what I want to do and what I won't, about what I'll do and what I'll never. Simply, I know what's good and bad. I don't care what people might think cause it doesn't matter for me even though there's a time when I actually care about people's opinion but that's not something that could make a big impact for me.

But if you can be independent to yourself, it doesn't mean that you could live without others. Without family, friends, all the madness and affection in your relationship. Literally I think I can live alone, when I grow up later. But I wont. It's a nightmare to live alone cause two is always better than one in any matter except trouble and bad luck. It's better to have two pencils when you have some exam, cause probably your first pencil broke so you could use the second. It's much better to have someone to share a journey with you than going by yourself without accompany. Two is always better than one in positive thinking.

My bro has changed since he heard the news. He so sensitive lately but then he could treat me like a queen few hours later. Pretty crazy. My dad asked me in a jokes, "Oh! How could you go and left me here? What I'm supposed to to then?". But that's sounds ironic for me. I'm daddy's little girl. I always being nuts without my daddy more than 36 hours. How am I supposed to live, dad?! And my lovely auntie. I'm so depend on her in many thing, physically. My life is about my family even I never share my burden to them. I never share it to anyone except myself, my diary and my blog.

In 3 weeks or earlier, I gotta pack my things up. And all the confidence that I own before seems to gone. Rezky will left in July 30 and Niya already in Malang. August gonna be a tough month without precious things in my life that I had before. My family, my besties, my classmates, all the warmth, affection, jokes, madness and laugh that always I get in Jakarta can't I keep in Bandung. It's sad tough. TT . TT

P.s.

I'm just thinking. Have you watch Princess and The Frog? That Disney's movie?

There's a song in there, sang by the cruel magician. It's said:

you get what you want, but lose what you had before

. . .

could it happen to me???

NO WAY!!!

Edith Piaf

Just yesterday, I have no idea who Edith Piaf was, except that she's a French singer. But my curiosity is in their limit so I googling it. Actually i was interesting with Marion Cotillard. She's so gorgeous and her dresses every time in the red carpet! Gee. She's stunning. Anyway, she won Oscar for her role in La Vie En Rose, which is the true story of great French singer, Edith Piaf.

Ever since I listen Hymne L'amour by Josh Groban, I always can't help myself to replay it over and over again. And guess what? The real singer or my favorite song is her! But there's a story behind the song. A sad story.

So there was a guy named Marcel Cerdan, he was a famous boxer in France and married-guy with three children. However, he had affair with her and Wikipedia said that he's the love of her life. But tragically he was died in a plane crash from France to NY to meet her. And this song is dedicated for him. That's too bad. I wonder why stunning, strong French woman have the end of her love story like this. In the movie, Boy Capel had passed away by car accident when he went to see Coco Chanel. Or that's just dramatically scene? I have no clue.

But I just fall in love with her voices and her songs. I'll download her song, I must!

Anyway, here the English translation of Hymne L'amour that I found:

The blue sky can collapse in on itself

And the earth can cave in

Little matters to me if you love me

I couldn't care less about the whole world

As long as love will flood my mornings

As long as my body will quiver beneath your hands

The problems matter so little to me

My love, because you love me

I would go to the ends of the earth

I would dye my hair blonde

If you asked me to

I would pull down the moon

I would steal fortune

If you asked me to

I would disavow my homeland

I would disavow my friends

If you asked me to

One could well laugh at me

I would do anything

I would do anything

If you asked me to

If one day life tears you away from me

If you die and go far from me

Little matters to me if you love me

Because I will die too

We would have eternity for ourselves

In the blue of all the immensity

In heaven, no more problems

My love, do you believe that we love each other?

God reunites those who love each other

Outwear Makes A Different

Once my friend was told how stylish am I. Well, I'm pleased to hear that but I don't think so. Stylish it's not a real praise anyway. I love to being stylish, but I was. Somehow a several months full of charge has change my perspective about this.

And I realize that it's not about fashion. It's about style, hey! Fashion is a trend lately, which is sometimes could be so boring. I mean, you walk up in the street and there's three, four, or maybe more people with same style with you. Or even worse, same clothes. That's awful bad.

I have a bored piece of pink dress that I never used before. Before it become a waste I try to mix it with vintage blue-jeans vest or blue-jeans shirt. and my lovely-dove Indian clutch bag. Mwah! I love it.

P.s. I'm addicted with jeans lately

Paris van Java

Attention please (it feels like I'm screaming out in an awkward silence)!!

I have a little announcement here.

As my Dad went to Bandung today, he said that I'm accepted as a student in National Hotel Institute Bandung.

Yeah!

Management and Business of Convention where I'll learn how to be a good event organizer.

Thanks God!!

Favorite Daily Outfit

Even that's me who sat in the toilet, I felt scary, too, when I saw this picture. It's taken by darling Jean, while we was waiting for the movie last Tuesday.

Yup! That's my favorite outfit for daily use. It's blue jeans, my Mom's white broderie shirt, a crop blue plaid shirt as jacket, an ethnic necklace (my brother gave me as birthday present), blue flat shoes and my favorite vintage knitting-cross bag I stole it from my grandma hohoho)

I get my money back

Love is a game for two. So whenever I think about my love story, I really wish I could say 'us' or 'we' whenever I miss those memories. It's pretty odd and pretty creepy even for myself cause it sounds crazy that you love someone who don't love you for years. Thank God it's over. Couple week ago I realize that he doesn't mean anything for me anymore and I knew that he's not the one (though I wish that he was). Time's up and I decide to let it go.

That freak little boy had changed my life. That's how it started, with one sight of his existence he change my way of thinking, my perspective of love and life.

But when I let it go, I feel nothing. I don't waste any tears, somehow I felt so relief that I finally can move on and erase something I thought I can never able to forget. I saw him with my own eyes last week, after a long, crazy and weary year with so many question in my head, "Could I make it? Is there any hope lefts for me? How much the possibility I have?". It's crazy to be numb after those hectic years where there's a time when i miss him badly, when I cry to my sleep as a fool and blah blah blah. Guess you don't wanna hear it, so named it instead.

I saw him for about a hour and half, and all I think about is some sentences. "I get my money back", and "nothing to lose". I just wonder if love is a show, God is the host. He's the star and I'm the audience. Those who enjoyed the show wouldn't mind to pay the ticket, but those who don't like it could back to the ticket box and get some return.

I get my money back. And I get my strength back, too. Holding on maybe the best way when you can't let someone go but trust me, let it go feels so good. And empty, sure. But someone will come. Someone who'll love me, too.

I didn't get what I want but at least I still have what I had before. What a relief.

P.s.

Why its so hard to find songs about saying 'I'm over you', 'I'll forget you', 'I'll let you go' or something positive for people who'd just let someone go away for their own sake? Gee.

Summer Shoes

In the early of holiday I bought this shoes in sale. Guess what? It's only IDR 75.000 or about US$7 and 5cents. Pretty cheap right? And I love this shoes much. So simple, gorgeous and it's flats! Every girl should have one flats, I think.

Chicken Boneless Fussili Without Oil.

Sometimes there's a time when I really do enjoy to cook. My meal, or maybe for my brother or whoever wants to eat. Sometimes I just go downstair and playing in the kitchen just because I want to cook something, with or without apetite (2 out of 8 actually).

I made this food, Chicken Boneless Fussili Without Oil. Sound weird, huh? It is. It feels like a five star hotel's chef when I made this. When I ate this, it tastes very delicious. Remember, hungry is the best spice for every chef no matter how fool they are in cooking.

It's pretty easy to make this. You just need:

1. A fussili, of course.

2. Boneless chicken, chop it. Square is good (at least it would be better than mine)

3. Fresh tomato, chop chop.

4. Seasoning: pepper, salt, onion, cooking oil and sesame oil.

So after you make your fussili al dente, you have to make the sauce. But I don't. That's not even a sauce. I don't know how will it taste in your mouth but I made my own recipe (it sounds like I'm the expert ha ha). Stir-fry the onion with cooking oil. Add the chicken with tomato, pepper and salt, don't forget the sesame oil. Trust me, it doesn't taste like Chinese-food.

It's ready. Served with fussili.

Eat that.

Not so good? Sure it is!

I always said hungry is the best spice.

Farewell

left to right: me & Niya.

I remember that we planned to go to wholesaler with Rezky (yep, the photo taken by her). The funny thing is we arrived at that place earlier than the seller. We came when that place haven't open yet. So this is it, a cool pic in escalator.

left to right, Rezky and me.

Fallen for ice cream after school time in hot summer day

(it's Jakarta anyway, everyday is summer).

My senior high-school's time is up. And now I'm going to college (actually I'm still waiting to the answer after my hectic 4-days-test in Bandung). Today one of my besties named Niya are leaving J-town to Malang (I'm not sure.. it's some place in province East of Java. or maybe Central of Java. Don't ask me, I'm not map-expert) as she decides to school in Brawijaya University. It takes 16 hours from Jakarta to there by bus, she said, and I feel blue today cause I have no chance to meet her for the last time (though I know we'll meet again, maybe in Christmas). I was spent this day with hanging out with my other besties: Glory, Jean, and Rezky. They feel sad, too, about Niya's leaving.

Maybe the one who feel sad the most is me. I had 6 years friendship with Glory, 3 years with Niya and 2 years with Jean & Rezky but years doesn't matter. Friends is friends and I've learned from my fail-friendship (somehow it sound like I have a failed marriage ^^;) that it's not year that count but moments. Memory, how many things we shared together, those countless times we laughs or cry together (well, we're not that kind of girl who crying a lot for our problem. we feel bad and blue, then we think how to solve it without crying).

I have an ex-friend of mine. Yeah that's sounds ironic. I feel sorry for that, but that's the truth. I don't care if she blame me for that cause I know that she was wrong, too. I didn't ask too much, I believe. I don't think the friendship it's end just because I don't spent the lunch-time with her. I was actually believe thatwe got a friendship that even stronger than rocks. But maybe i was wrong. I just can't stand people who give up everthing (almost) just for money. "Oh, I don't wanna do that cause it's expensive. I'd rather take this cause it's a penny cheaper." Something like that, or even worse.

Alright, back to the topics. What date it is? July 20, 2010. Niya's leaving for Malang and Friday July 24, Rezky will leave for Medan. It's the capital city of province North Sumatra. It's University of North Sumatra. That's in the other island, geez! Glory will left for President University but thank God it's in Karawang (some kind of place between Jakarta and Bandung) but still she's got to stay in dorm. Jean in Binus University, in west of Jakarta so she'll stay in Jakarta, in her house.

I never thought that it's real for real when I used to enjoy my day in senior high school. All I think about college is my plan to leave Jakarta to Singapore (yes, that's totally FAILED) or Bandung, probably (which is being my last hope today) and I'm pretty sure that apart is alright cause we promised to contact each other and hanging out again in holdiay.

But now, I face it. The time is coming.

I was asked to myself, "What would my life be without my besties?" They all are so kind to me. I got suprises in every birthday since I met them. And that's give me more reasons to love them. They are so precious to me and I'm so scared that I will lose them cause we far apart and we got a new friends in college.

Most of all, I'm afraid we'll change by the time we met again.

I remember that once Rezky told me about the graduation lyric by Vitamin C when we had a lunch after a tiring vintage-hunt with Niya and Karina.

So if we get the big jobs

And we make the big money

When we look back now

Will our jokes still be funny?

Will we still remember everything we learned in school?

Still be trying to break every single rule?

Ever since then I always think about those words. Will it?

This is the topics that I've been thinking about like nuts for days, maybe weeks (I didn't realize until today). And it's so important to me, I guess, cause I don't care about person that I loved so much for a decade and the fact that man who school abroad is here until September (yes, that's why I was so confused about September) and we'd just met a couple days ago. I don't even care if I lost him forvere (maybe that's because I know that my love for him just completely washed out, maybe I wait too long or anything. I dont even want to talk about it right now).

I made this words today, in my way home after watched movies in cinema with them (anyway, I watced Inception starring Leonardi Di Caprio and it's awesome even it's little bit confused in the begining and at the end of movie. You've gotta be smart to watch it, I think):

FAREWELL

probably it means: we FAR apart but in the End WE'LL meet again. someday we will.

and I think about Tom Petty's words:

You and I will meet again

When we're least expecting it

One day in some far off place

I will recognize your face

I won't say goodbye my friend,

For you and I will meet again

I want to believe it.

left to right, Jean and me.

Guess what? We're taking this picture in toll road!

We was going to Binus cause I enrolled in there by bus and the driver is mad.

That's the first time we pass the toll gate by walking.

left to right, Glory and me.

Going crazy during the lunch-time infront of our class. I

t's a priceless pic for her, I guess, for she always looks cool and you would never know her crazy side if you don't really know her well.