Envy

I'm just thinking
what if.. I resign from my school?
It would be sad to out from there, and I have nowhere to go, too. And I hate to left my school, my liberty, my friends and most of all, my Red.

I hate yet shame to think that I don't live my life like I want to. Though I have no idea what I'm going to do, sometimes I just wanna go to somewhere, out from here all alone as long as I'm in my way. In my mind I have a plan to stay and wait. But I'm not a patient person to think if I were late to take a step, I'll ruin everything. Cause here I am, move on but I'm losing my muse. I feel so useless and feels like nobody will stand behind me. It feels like I'm standing all alone in this weary path of my life. And I want to break free.

I lost my friends as the time goes by. I lost them one by one, and there will be a day when I lost everything and had no one to count on. And people around me, I don't think they could make me as their friends cause somehow they don't understand. And people who understand, was understood and now they're changed.

It feels like I'm trapped here. I want to do fashion, writing, movies, all the dream I was fighting for. I was give my best but it's useless cause I'm the chicken-looser here. I thought I can deal with this, try to live in what I had. But I can't help myself to think about my friends who made it. I'm envy them.

In other side, I actually enjoy my life in Bandung. It's great to be there, places where I can organize myself like I want to. I'm not daddy's little girl in there, I'm a girl who did anything all by herself. I can be friend with most of people in there. I can be my own self at some time, when haters seems don't care or don't see me.

And what drove me insane the most is the fact that I can't write. Words doesn't come out! I lost my muse! That should be alright but I look to people who watched me and they like said, "You can't? I think you was a writer," or maybe something like "You can't, so what you can?". And that sad cause I'm not even sure than I deserve to have this or that. The worst part is sometimes I don't deserve to be loved though I really want to be loved. Maybe that's because I never be loved.

See, I actually have nothing. I lose all my confidence some times, but now it feels like I'm losing all. I ain't pretty or famous. I'm not genius or even had a good shape. I think I'm bored. I'm lame. Gee, shopping won't works. I still need a psychiatrist.

The Very Last Goodbye

So lately I notice that two of my friend are on her way to move on, forget the past and have some new love life. They knew what I've been going through in last three years, how hard I've been try and put the biggest efforts to get over with my past. How I make a little last try and failed, how I've been struggle with myself. Blame myself for not doing well, disappoint with myself and family's rules, mad with no one but my diary. I gotta admit that it's damn tough. And now I'm happy for them, too, cause they finally find a good way to move on. At least the bad things didn't come to them all at once like me.

Couple days ago I found a good song with a very beautiful yet strong lyric. The singer named Nina Girado, she's Philippines, and the tittle is 'Someday'. Here the lyrics:

Someday you'll gonna realize
One day you'll see through my eyes
But then I won't even be there
I'll be happy somewhere
Even if I can't

I know
You don't really see my worth
You think your the last guy on earth
Well I've got news for you
I know I'm not that strong
But it won't take long
Won't take long

Chorus

Coz someday, someone's gonna love me
The way, I want you to need me
Someday, someone's gonna take your place
One day I'll forget about you
You'll see, I won't even miss you
Someday, someday

But now
I know you can't tell
I'm down,and I'm not down anyway
But one day these tears
They will all run dry
I won't have to cry
Sweet goodbye

Chorus

Coz someday, someone's gonna love me
The way, I want you to need me
Someday, someone's gonna take your place
One day I'll forget about you
You'll see, I won't even miss you
Someday, someday

And that was perfectly fit for me. Even now the song woulds still be perfect for me, just to remind me about how strong I actually am. Someday, someone's gonna love me the way I want you to need me. Yes. I'm proving that song right now.

Today I was chat with my bestie and she asked me about my love life. It's perfect enough though it's not, I answered. Cause when I have someone to hold my hands when I'm afraid and make me laugh in the middle of blue days, I won't even think about someone who will never love me back.

So now it's official. Goodbye Singapore's Flyer. I won't even notice you from now on.

And Red, I ♥ you that much. More than I can say in words, more than I could show in my panics.

Hubbub

So if I miss you suddenly, or when I want to reach your hand but then realize that you're not even in the same town with me, I'll took you shirt and hold it tight and pretending that you're here even for a while. Then I think to myself as I convince myself that I'm going to meet you soon.

But even though we're met three days ago, I still miss you badly. So bad and it's more than I ever thought about missing someone. I want to have you here with me for real, dream, telephone calls or your favorite perfume in my room seems not enough.

Yes, dear, I can't sleep cause it feels empty when I lay my head on my pillow. And that's all because I love you so, beyond my ability to tell you what love is.

Nerdy Bugya

Today I was being silly and asked Red why he loves me after he said so. "I don't know," he said. And I asked why. "I can't describe it in words, but I'll show it in measures then you'll know." That's sweet, I gotta admit. And then he asked the very same question why I loves him. I said the truth so from now on I think I don't have any hidden feelings or significant secret to him.

My life was sad and weary before I met him. I used to fight for something I don't know, fighting so hard to something I don't even sure of it. I failed and it drove me crazy for a while. There's a time when I feel like nothing. Well, I'm not pretty. I'm not slim or bootylicious. I'm not so smart or famous. I'm just a plain ordinary girl. Too plain.

I'm a bookworm, I'm a freak who could spent months without TV, just music and books. My favorite songs and movies are lame cause I'm crazy about something classic and oldies. I never met someone who listen to bossanova (some don't even knows what it means) or Edith Piaf (French opera singer, 1915 - 1963) or someone who pay some interest to Emily Dickinson (American's writer, 1830 - 1886) or thinks that African language is interesting somehow. Or did I have friends who watched One Fine Day (1996) and thinks that it's good?

In other words, I feel like.. I a nerdy. I lost my confidence today when I see something I shouldn't have. I feel different. I know, A.A. Milne was wrote "The things that make me different are thing that make me." But I feel worry somehow. There's a fear inside of me, a fear that I'm lame and boring and .. well I lost the words.

I'm just thinking what makes me attractive? What makes Red likes me?
Should I still be my own self or should I change into a better woman? Like someone who'll spend her money in bags or dolls or make up (yes, I know how stupid I am in make up thing. Make up, not make out :p)

So I said to Red that my life used to be so empty. There was just me, worries, tears and fears that I kept all by myself. And then I met him, world seems nicer and better. He always could makes me laugh even with no jokes at all. And he makes my life so.. colorful. I'm like a rainbow without colors and he's like a painter, came into my life and make it colorful.

Okay, it's late and I'm getting sleepy a bit. Maybe that's why I'm kinda confused of what I wrote and it's messy random things.

A Piece of Regret

I just thought, what kind of person I'll become later? Maybe next year, 3 years, 5 years or probably 10 years later?

Today I was take a look into my friends' life. And they looks happy with their life. I feel jealous, envy for a while, to realize that my life wasn't that great. A boy friend of mine are studying in the Bandung Technology Institute, he takes astronomy major and he used to play along with me when we were in elementary school. My girl friend, my ex friend in junior high are studying on there, too. My best friend in junior high went to Auckland, my ex-classmates in senior high went to Australia, my other ex-classmates went to Jakarta's Art Institute and being a movie maker, my ex-toddler group went to Singapore and learn fashion in the NAFA (and that's exactly I want to be a year ago).

And what about myself today? Well I'm not gonna say that I'm stuck in Bandung or something like that. I feel good to have myself in there and thank God I'm not in Jakarta cause my life would suck if I have a college life in here, I'll never get my liberty in here. I'm just an ordinary girl in a national tourism school. I learn how to managed some event perfectly and..

I don't know. I thought my life in Bandung were fun. In day I become a good student and when the night comes, sometimes, I went out to somewhere with pals and that's all. I should pleased with that, I should satisfied with that. And I was, but today I'm not.

I can talk to no one about this cause I don't think anyone will understand my point of view or what I actually want.. If Red read this post, maybe he'll understand somehow.. and understand why I don't want to be here, safe in my home. Cause I feel no happiness in here. I could be happy for a while, in days when I don't think about it and try to convince myself that everything's gonna be alright..

But when I wake up in a morning, to think about things I might have if only my Dad knows what I actually want to have, what I really want to reach in my own life, I'm drowning in my own tears. I don't think I asked too much. I just want to live a life that I love.

You know what, sometimes I feel like he always make me choose the path he wants me to choose, not my own path of life. To think about a year ago, I was so down cause he breaks my dream and somebody (I don't blame him) or maybe something ruin my life all at once. Nobody know that I've got a crazy mental breakdown a year ago. And I never share it to anybody (except Jean who always care and understand, somehow) and it's drove me crazy lately.

A year ago, in my last year in senior high school, I'm ready to face anything if I allowed to enter a fashion school. If I have to be pitty in one or two first year, I'm ready and I'll say "Let it be." In my head I kept thinking, maybe my life would be hard. But that's fine cause I'd rather take a chance than have myself drowning in regrets when I'm too old to do what I want, with all the responsibility and blah blah blah. I was ready, then it just disappear so easily. I am my daddy's little girl so I have to be in line he wants to.

And see? I spent my days with nothing but wondering what if I have more power to some riot and fight for my dream. I'm in the second biggest regret right now. Though I'm in the major that I want to learn, Bandung wasn't even my third choice. It was my last choice, the choice that I'll take only if I failed. It's my last back-up plan, the plan that I took with sighs and I wish I never take it but I took.

My first one was fashion design. Or fashion business and retail, it doesn't matter for me. But thay thought I would like Visual Communication Design. That's different but they don't care.
The second was creative writing and literature, to be a screen writer. And sadly, I don't get the seat in university I want to.
The third was movie maker, but they told me to do advertisement and I don't want it. Can't they see the difference of screen writer and advertising?
And the last, the very last choice. Tourism. I like it, but I don't love it as much as my love to my first, second and third choice.

And my desperate thought brings me to another thought: am I that dumb?
I'll wrote it later about how I feel nothing, dumb and not smart enough. Even for myself.

Completed

Yes. To have you here with me makes me imperfectly perfect and totally complete.

And all I can wish for is a hope that we will always be the same, never change and together as long as possible.

Dating in A Bookstore

So yesterday Red came to Jakarta. He looks different cause he's not shaving for two weeks, and I think it's the longest time he didn't, to remind that out school is freaky discipline. I promise to pick him up in the station (which is sounds like an 50's drama though). As he standing there, waiting for me, I feel amazed of something that I can tell. It's not like he's cool or something (or maybe yes, in my eyes he always looks amazing) but that's not the point. I can't find the right words.. until today, I wrote this in my living room, and I found the answer.

My head said, "You miss him badly, stupid."

My heart said yeah, and yes it's true.

Last night, as I wrote in my diary (which is had changed become "Dear Goat Letters" A Diary of A Childish Woman") and I counted. It's been 17 days since the last time we met, a day before Christmas. It was 17 days but somehow it feels like months.

I don't know where to go, and he said it's all up to myself where we'd go, so I decided to go the my favorite bookstore and spent the days in there, though I'm not sure he'll like it.. I thought he'll get bored but he said nothing and makes me feel.. confused. I actually don't care where we go as long as I'm with him. But he said nothing. Two friend of us makes a jokes that we have a date in a bookstore. That sounds funny for them, I guess -_-

Well, it's nice to see yo Red. Hope the holiday won't take long so I could see you as much as I want to.