Finally I'm Over About That

I got a broken heart today. With the same person like 5 years ago, 2 years ago and last year. It's huge, huh? I think I'm some kind of expert in this things.

I was awake in 3am and I realize that I'm in the end of the road. I got nobody, but I got something: myself. This broken heart doesn't hurt me a lot like I think I will, it's so different like the last year's case. I don't feel anything in the first minute. and I feel nothing in the next minute. I don't even cry. My heart are perfectly fine, I guess, and it didn't hurt me literally.

It didn't kill me softly! Even I didn't say too much words today, I knew that this case is even better than other cases I've felt before. It just felt like falling down and there's a scar in my knee. I must be honest that it's actually hurt. But I knew that this kind of sick is just some disease that I can heal anytime I want. I knew I'll move on and in months I didn't remember why there's a little scars.

I spent too much time to thinking about things that will never happen and dressing up for the boy that will never care!

Thanks God. I was insine before but all is very clear right now. Seems it's really over and I get my mind back. Wish I didn't change my mind later if I accidentally meet him somewhere, sometime.

He's Here And I Didn't Go

He's here. Finally. I've been longing for one year and now finally, he's here in our hometown cause I miss the last time he came.

I should be happy then. If I still love him, I should come at this time, exactly at this time, to Church, the only place where I could find him after his house. It's Saturday 5pm and he would be there.

But here I am, write a post in my blog. Something makes me won't go there.

I'm over him, I think. I'm not sure but I keep telling my mind that I'm over him. I wonder if I go there and meet him. I should cut my hair, as my promise cause I didn't cut it since the last time I saw him.

Maybe, it because I'm afraid that I have to face the truth that he didn't recognize me anymore.

I Want My Mommy Back, God. Please.

I got a dream last night. Such a good one.
I don't remember how it starts: school, I saw my favorite teacher and chat with my pals.
Then I met my mommy. She was sat as she was wait for me. Her smile, her face and her body (funfact: she's more skinnier than me and that's make me jealous cause I don't have that petite-gen)/ She wore a white shirt, Esprit I guess. She's got the same type of cellphone like mine.

She asked how my days goes but now I realize I didn't hear any voices (or I was forget?) But in that dream, I remind myself to remember the pictures of her as if I knew that she would be gone after the dream's over.
I could say any words. BUt what I want to say is, I miss my mommy. I'm sorry to what I have done and what I haven't done as her daughter. Thank God that I got that dream.
And I really wish that I could hug her, kiss her and let her know how much she meant for me, how she has change me into a better person ever since she's gone.
I wish I could see her. Either God send her back to me, or I were dead.

Now seems like I stay alive to redeem my fault to her. I wish I were understand how important love and family is when I was younger. I wish I have a good second chance. I really do.

I'm crying by myself cause I hate if someone found out. But if I can have my mommy back, I'll do everything. I really mean it. I would kill to have her back. I just want her back.

Well, I wish I have good friends to trust so I can lay my head to them. But never mind. Friendship is another fake-product of 17. Gotta wait few years more.

P.s. I'll be there soon, mom. Wait for me.

I Have No Idea What Happiness Means

What actually happiness means?
My life just alright. It's perfect for me, at least perfect in my way.
I had a good family who loves me and friends.
I don't have what I want, but I have what I need.

But somehow, I feel there's something wrong.
There's something I should have, but I don't.
Could it be a affection? Or succesful? Charisma?
I know "pride and competition cannot filled the empty arms" just like Don Henley said.
But I wish that isn't love, that emotion.
Cause I don't have any but myself.

I laughed, but I don't feel glad.
I smiled, but it's seems like my automatic mode who's smiled, not my own self.
I hate if somebody caught me cry,
and I think there's no use to let people knows my feelings.

If they do, then what?
Could they change it? No. Things happened and time always run.
I even can't make myself laugh,
so I decided to make everybody's laughed.

Really, I totally have no idea what happiness means.

New Plan

That person,

I don't want to have him

I don't want to be greedy

I just will love him in my own way

Letter To The Giant

Dear Singapore Flyer,
I'll be glad if you tell him what I've said
Tell him:

"Standing there, luv, you were there
As always I am here, wait for some news
Sorry to my name, blame on myself
Cant helps thinking why I'm still in our hometown
In GMT + 07.00, you're further by time and place
I can't see your sky today as you can't see mine

So I made a promise to myself
One day, I'll be there
Kiss the wall you've touch years ago
Standing in the roof where we could see a magic
Biggest ferris wheel I knew
Cause you were there when I miss you the most
Well, I miss you badly now

From your land, with love and life"

Dear Singapore Flyer,
will you keep him there for a while?
So when I finally be there,
I could still see him around me,
then I'll never be sad anymore.
Will you?

Relation Between Time Travelers and Chicken Poo

I'm thinking about changing address of this blog.

Few days ago I watched a biography of Christopher Reeve (who play as Supeman in 80's movie). I'm getting curious about him so I google it and I found a movie of him named Somewhere in Time.

And it makes me want to change the name from House of Bugya to Time Travelers cause I think that name would be a good interpretation about myself. I like what's new but I always be crazy to something classic and old.

Then, I was watch some Asian drama with english sub. There's a line when the actor said a quite disgusting word: chicken poo. I'm crazy so I found how--sorry if it sounds gross to you but--unique yet cute that phrases is. LOL. So Im thinking about change the name from House of Bugya to Chicken Poo when I think that's a good interpretation about myself, too.

Well, I'M NOT LIKE A CHICKEN POO but there's a Javanese sayings 'anget-anget tai ayam'. Literally it means 'a warm chicken poo' but what they mean is about some passion feelings in early of some condition or time. I am very moody and nobody--even myself--can guess what decision I may take. I could be so cruel and devlish somehow but still there's a time where I think I'm too angelic and not even bad.

So, what do you think? Time Travelers or Chicken Poo better?