Bitter Heart

Today Red came to my school to pick me up. This day should end great, with a little complain that it should lasts longer and wondering if we came to the same home and sleep in the same bed. But today, our date didn't ended well.
Some say we can't keep something to ourselves. Pain gonna hurts more and more, and it'll kill us if we keep it alone. So I release it. It's not better. I feel bitter and somehow the pain crush me inside, alive. I thought it's gonna make me feel better after I told him what I felt for years. Turns out, it crash me harder.
Our last conversation in cab goes like this.
"So you don't wanna see me again?" he asked.
"I won't care no more," I said.
"Okay." Then we remain in silent and he left.
I feel so dizzy today, all I can remember is blurry memory suddenly came and attack me as if I were a thief. I miss him presence already, wish we were holding hands. I take a little nap and I wake up, I thought he's with me. What a fool thing to do. Now I'm trying to make it up but I can't reach him. Maybe his phone died.
I realize I'm a jerk to gave him my cold shoulder today. But I just can't help it. All disappointments came and it's like the alarm in my head who gave me another warning like it did for past couple months. It's like a sign for me to go, like now or never.
I'm pretty sure he never really cared. I don't know why he want a future with me, maybe he loves me but we all know love is not enough. I need him to understand, without I'm saying how much I need him to understand. I need him to understand automatically that some silly things are very important to me.
I had so much issues in my life. Fear of losing people, honesty/trust issues, fear of screaming. He knows all that, but one thing I never say is how much I fear to lay my life completely and let people take care of me. I never do that before. Oh well I did that once and it didn't turn out great. I never believe in anybody but myself. Even my family, or him.
Today we had a talk before the fight about exes. Well, his ex and my past. That girl and Yellow. He said it won't change anything between us if someday, somehow he meet her again. But unfortunately I can't swear the same about Yellow. I won't make a promise I can't keep. It's not that I still loves him or what, I know that's not true. I know who I want to marry someday, it's Red. But there's something I can't explain about how I feel about everything.
Today there's a lot of things I said that I didn't mean to. But all said and done. I'm not gonna mad if he wants to ditch me I guess. He has a right to do that.