A Fight

We never been in a real fight when we're so mad each other. This time we did. I, make him did.
Last weekend I went there to fix some unsettle things. I'm thinking about break up. Cause even that could hurt me so bad, I'd rather have my heart breaks for years than swelling my pride for the fourth time. I knew I would crying like a hell if I walk out the door that day. I knew I would spent my days mourning, wish I never knew, wish he were still with me, wish I could call him as he already become my everything, my friend, boyfriend and future dream. I knew that, but still I wish he didn't hold me that tight so I could run and just go away.
Maybe I'm tired of wandering. My doubts has fade away for a long time ever since I actually can see how many changes he made after all. All my doubts in him was so-last-year and I got none this year cause he's changed and become a brand-new-gentleman.
But I never thought about a simply connection of friendship lefts between them. I honestly will be cool if they have a little talk as long as I know they're talking, and I need him to tell me.He didn't, and suddenly I knew it feels like a huge cube ice hitting my head.
I never been so numb before. I cry a little, hurts a lot, wondering on my own world for hours all alone and like a lost puppy I feel like had nowhere to go.What you supposed to do when you had a big doubts to someone that you consider as present and future? There's just so much fear and dilemma, wonder if it's better to being smart and rationalist and left than stay, dazzling and waiting for another heartache.
He promised a lot things to me. Promises that I knew he wouldn't ever break for the fifth time.
But still something in my chest hurts me constantly, my brain can't help thinking about all the pain every minutes and I'm so freaking hubbub. So I smoke.
Maybe I was stupid, or maybe I'm just being honest, I told him. He's mad, a lot, more than me on the first case. And that's how we fight.
Now we're good but I knew he would never believe me the way he did before. Somehow I relief cause he don't have to be the one who always feel guilty. Now he can blame me. And we're good, we're even.