Dear Red

So please stay. Stay with me, stay the same, stay till our lives through and when our hair turns grey.
And this is how to say love without actually say the words.

Over thinking is not good.

I don't feel good lately. About me, about people around me, even about us. Always in the time when I need it most. Red said life and love life is upside down but we gotta stay together and just let it flow. But something felt different. There's something probably wrong cause I keep wonder about things I don't even know. Or understand.

I'm sad, pathetic and gloomy, and pathetic.

Why, all of sudden, I smell fears of commitment on me?

I know he had a hard time lately, with all those paperwork and orientation week and stuff. I know that's exactly why he's good at silent for days. But what makes me sadder is the reason why he didn't talk is because he's way too much think how I'm gonna react. I'm not say he's over-reacting. It's pathetic, and that's me.

I'm so tired. Way much too tired to carry another burden and I don't even know, still I don't know how to figure this out and make things right.

He tried. I know. But I'm afraid to realize something I never thought I'm able to do.

A Week of Me

Postponed this (again) for Never Let Me Go

Heart-shaped mosquito's bite

Messy desk during holiday

My new cactus. Not a rose cactus like I want but still I love ♥

Before haircut.

After haircut. This is terrible! Horrible, a disaster! I bet Red's gonna laugh at my face again and the "You look really weird with pony" phase will come once again. I should do something then. 

Weekend's reading.

My baby brother bought me this.

Toiletries shopping. I'm surely a big fan of Watsons. All their product are compatible for me

What's always on my bag.

Can't sleep without this smelly sheep. I love the one who gave me this with ALL my heart ♥ 

My storybook since I was a little. Still keep it because somehow it reminds me of my mother.

She's so beautiful indeed!

My sunshine ♥ 

Jean gave me this as gifts when she went to China. It is believed as an antidote for bad luck. Always keep in in my purse.

Still keep every movie ticket like a teenager.

Anyway. Today is the second day Red's going through the job orientation. I guess I'm alright with that now. Well I tried to. Anyway I'm so curious waiting for my grade this first semester. I get A for Advertising Research (yay for me!), B for Cross Culture Communication (which I hate, I though I could do better than a B) and C for Introduction to Media Planning (which I don't care too much. That class is killing me).
Wish the best for next week and still, prepare for the worst.

Please say something

Hi. It's gonna be just a quick post to write cause I must go in one hour for new semester thing in that damn college. Anyway.

I feel bad lately. I don't know, maybe you could tell me what, dear? I don't know whether it's about you, about me, about us or neither.
Don't you realize you acted so weird lately? Not much talking, just a silent and listen to me quietly this whole weekend. I wonder if you mad at me cause I was so emotional couple days ago, and maybe you are tired facing someone broke like me. I wonder why you still won't open up a little bit of your mind... or maybe your heart to me.
I always told you anything, even the tiniest things happened to me every day. Why won't you?
I try to be supportive. I try to control myself and give my best in try to make you think I'm alright. I try to understand you and your need, even I can't literally be with you everyday. I know you're lonesome and homesick easily so that's why I called you everyday. I know I can't fix everything right but at least I wish I can makes you feel better but how you not say a word and I really had no idea how to makes you feel better.
In happy times I always said that I will always try everything to makes you feel good, remind you to speak up but you're not.
You know what, sometimes you don't have to solve the matter. Just speak and I'll listen, we figure it out together.

Sadder is wiser. Really?

It's been days since I feel like there's a war between present me, hopes for future and my past memories in my head. I'm not in my best yet common phase of emotion. I said things I shouldn't to Red, I've ruined our anniversary moment whining like a child. I know, I know it's too much too complain since it's been a year by now but I don't think I will able to accept this and forget about every good things I've felt. Ever.

So I wonder how to act happy in the time when you should, but you really can't cause every time you try not to think about it a tears just came up and suddenly you find you hug yourself tight so you won't broke down cause it's hard to replace the little pieces back. It's not like I'm mad for him, the truth is I'm actually glad for all of his achievement. And I really appreciate how he always said he will help me to makes my shattered stupid old dream comes true. But it would be different then.

There's a difference between doing things you can do and things you want to do. Sure there will be no problem if you do something you can do. But when it comes to dream and liking or loving something (or even someone), no matter what trouble you may face I believe everything will be just fine cause you love it, then you'll give your best to make it works somehow.

And there's a difference between having something you get easily from connection or something and achieve something you really want with your own fighting and hard working. I know he said all those things just to cheer me up. And seriously, I really want to. But I just can't, knowing I won't achieve my childhood dream just the way I've planned.

I can't help myself. So pathetic. I used to think that's alright because sadder means wiser. But I really don't give a fuck right now. Being wiser doesn't mean anything right now.

Writer block, writer's block or whatever the right spelling is

There's a lot of things I'm thinking about. Life, people, life, mine.
But there's just a few words I can remember when it comes to blank white page. Writers block comes to me, again and again.
So I think I'm just gonna call Red and talk to him what's on my mind. That is much better.