New URL

I changed my mind.

I rename my new blog as sinkingwanderer.blogspot.com

Phew.

Adios!

Or click this.

SG

This words will be the last words I ever write about Yellow. Oh I really do hope so.

So I went to Singapore couple weeks ago. Had a great time (not really). I was torn between two heartache. A heartbreak, and a doubts.

Yellow and Red.

Red's

We've been fighting a lot lately. So much unfinished arguments, so much doubts in my heart and mind about how this relationship should end... or not.

Can't say much of anything that's true. I can't even express all thoughts and feeling well.

Long story short, we had a big fight 6 hours before my flight. And that's ruin my holiday.

Yellow's

I loved him.

And somehow inside my 21-mellow-fighter body there's still a 10 years-old girl, wondering if her first love could somehow love her back. his love doesn't have to be as much as her affections to him. A little bit is enough for her.

So once again, I was wondering if there's a slightest chance to be closer. I was going to sent him message when I realized he's taken.

I'm just surprised. And it takes a whole day long of laugh to finally realize how much it actually hurts. I cried in silence, saying "I'm done with love, I never want to feel it ever again" way too many time cause at that point, my lovelife goes nowhere. I spent too many time fell in love with someone I don't have a chance to be with, and that's happen because I swear I'm gonna wait for him no matter what and along the way I met this guy with a good heart, he loves me more than I deserve, and it's killing me to go through a day without him.

I'm a mess. And the only one who can fix me is Red. It's always been him.

Tell me how to stop

I was studying with my paper and finals preparation when suddenly you crossed my mind. I'm not sure if it's nature or is it the song I was playing is the song I used to listen to over and over again when I was madly in love with you. I wrote a little note of my thoughts about you in my journal. I was going to tweet something about it but I just don't know what to say. And fear of possibility that Red may read it and get hurt.
"It's not like I still love you or what" is what's in my head for at least half an hour before I finally decide to wrote this post. I assure myself that it might be just my random thoughts. And I know that's a lie.
I still care. I still think about it frequently, not everyday but much enough it makes me often think my relationship, my life-plan with Red is a right decision or not. I love him, probably not as much as I used to but I know there's a room inside my heart where a little love for him still left.
It's not like he will love me somehow, cause I truly believe he will not. He never do, he never will. So I don't think I should ruin my relationship and waiting like a fool like I used to.
This madness got to stop. It's 2013. It's been 12 years and it should stop. I should stop. Yeah I should... if I could.

Lotte Kestner's

My baby baby

I want you so it scares me to death

I can't say anymore than "I love you"

Everything else is a waste of breath

I want you

You've had your fun you don't get well no more

I want you

Your fingernails go dragging down the wall

I want you

I woke up and one of us was crying

I want you

You said "little girl I do believe you're dying"

I want you

If you need a second opinion as you seem to do these days

You can look in my eyes and you can count the ways

I want you

Rob from always on the run is so bad and copy paste is a sin

I want you

Did you mean to tell me but seem to forget

I want you

Since when were you so generously inarticulate

I want you

It's the stupid details that my heart is breaking for

It's the way your shoulders shake and what they're shaking for

It's knowing that she knows you now after only guessing

It's the thought of her undressing you or you undressing

She tossed some tattered compliment your way

I want you

And you were fool enough to love it when she said

"I want you"

"I want you"

I want you

The truth can't hurt you it's just like the dark

It scares you witless

But in time you see things clear and stark

I want you

Go on and hurt me then we'll let it drop

I want you

I'm afraid I won't know where to stop

I'm not ashamed to say I cried for you

I want you

I want you

I might as well be useless for all it means to you

I want you

You've had your fun you don't get well no more

I want you

No-one else wants you could want you more

I want you

Every night when I go off to bed

And when I wake up

I want you

I want you

I'm going to say it once again 'til I instill it

I know I'm going to feel this way until you kill it

Bitter Heart

Today Red came to my school to pick me up. This day should end great, with a little complain that it should lasts longer and wondering if we came to the same home and sleep in the same bed. But today, our date didn't ended well.
Some say we can't keep something to ourselves. Pain gonna hurts more and more, and it'll kill us if we keep it alone. So I release it. It's not better. I feel bitter and somehow the pain crush me inside, alive. I thought it's gonna make me feel better after I told him what I felt for years. Turns out, it crash me harder.
Our last conversation in cab goes like this.
"So you don't wanna see me again?" he asked.
"I won't care no more," I said.
"Okay." Then we remain in silent and he left.
I feel so dizzy today, all I can remember is blurry memory suddenly came and attack me as if I were a thief. I miss him presence already, wish we were holding hands. I take a little nap and I wake up, I thought he's with me. What a fool thing to do. Now I'm trying to make it up but I can't reach him. Maybe his phone died.
I realize I'm a jerk to gave him my cold shoulder today. But I just can't help it. All disappointments came and it's like the alarm in my head who gave me another warning like it did for past couple months. It's like a sign for me to go, like now or never.
I'm pretty sure he never really cared. I don't know why he want a future with me, maybe he loves me but we all know love is not enough. I need him to understand, without I'm saying how much I need him to understand. I need him to understand automatically that some silly things are very important to me.
I had so much issues in my life. Fear of losing people, honesty/trust issues, fear of screaming. He knows all that, but one thing I never say is how much I fear to lay my life completely and let people take care of me. I never do that before. Oh well I did that once and it didn't turn out great. I never believe in anybody but myself. Even my family, or him.
Today we had a talk before the fight about exes. Well, his ex and my past. That girl and Yellow. He said it won't change anything between us if someday, somehow he meet her again. But unfortunately I can't swear the same about Yellow. I won't make a promise I can't keep. It's not that I still loves him or what, I know that's not true. I know who I want to marry someday, it's Red. But there's something I can't explain about how I feel about everything.
Today there's a lot of things I said that I didn't mean to. But all said and done. I'm not gonna mad if he wants to ditch me I guess. He has a right to do that.

Love is Not Enough

In relationship, love is not enough. It's never been. So many hard things you have to face, so many to take  and give without losing your affection them. It's not that easy cause I'm there.
Sometimes I don't get it why did he say love and those sweet talks and stuff but sometimes he make me feel  like he didn't. There is no laws or rules about how someone should proves their love. Some let their feeling show by words, some through acts of sincerity. And some keep it for their selves to know in silence.
Red, in this subject, can be hard to understand sometimes. He's not really open to anyone, sometimes not even to me. And that kills me a little cause God knows how many times I lay my head in my pillow, wondering what's going on and loves the pain from imagination of the worst version of how our relationship end instead of believing what he said or realizing the truth that he always been honest to me. Well at least since our last breakup.
Love is not enough, cause I love him enough to know he's the one I will despite all things and still, that's not enough.
I need to be more patience. More faith in him, in me, in us.

Lazy Hazy

Long time no blogging! Will update as soon as I can. Drowned in a hell of ass-ignments and so much to do yet so little time (I nap a lot lately. Surprise!)

2013 Yellow

It's 2 years and half since I moved on from Yellow.
It's 2013 already but still, some days are pretty weird for me when I found myself suddenly wondering what could have been if things doesn't work out like this right now. What if I'm still single, or what if I give it a try a little bit more. Could he ever loved me the way I did? Could he see me through and look at me as a woman, or does he ever consider me to be his?

The Last

Finally!
Watching this makes me think even more than I did all day long.
How many have I loved?
First, there's a boy. My very first friend, my childhood friend. Odi. His grandmother is my grandma's friend, his father was my mother's friend, and he's mine. We met when we were 3 years old, being a bestfriend, kind of childish boyfriend girfriend and make a silly plan to get marry someday. I kissed him once when I was 4 years old or 5, when he picked me up to school together like we always did. I still talked to him when I was 6 but then his parents got divorced. And that's just too hard to understand for a 6 years old. We went to the same junior high, but neve really taled again. And that is how we stop being friend.
The second is the longest one. I'm not sure if it's for nine years or lasted till eleven. I met yellow when I was 9 and you know the rest of story.
The third is Red. I love him. So much.And he's probably the only guy I love and love me back. But relationship it's hard, and I need him to care. Cause this kind of relationship isn't that kind when I love him and he don't do the same. I'll be long gone by then. I don't know what or how he sees me but I wish he could understand a little bit. I want this to last, but if thing's getting harder I'm not sure whether to stay or leave cause pain is overrated. He alsways told me to be patient but I don't think he really understand what it's like to be me.
So now I'm in my dilemma. Between make it three still, or closed the book and waiting for the four.

How Many Have You Loved?

A simple question, "How many have you loved?" Is your answer, one and only? Or is it several, all of whom have shaped your life?

I just watched this trailer and it makes me thinking something I refuse to think about. Lately I've been wondering if things went wrong or if something happen in the future.
It's 2012. October. Eleven years ago, I saw a boy in one hot summer afternoon. Yellow. It happened and I never thought something weird would trick me into this thoughts. Even now. And still, I don't know why.

How many have you loved?

How many do you loved?

How many will you loved?

"Who are their names?"

"Who, what, when, where, why."

We search for.

We wait for.

We hope for.

This trailer simply haunting me.
I don't wanna know the answer. It would kills me.
I said I don't wanna questioning anything about this, but the facts that I still keep wearing the ring makes me wonder how much I have loved. Yellow. I bought the ring when I was about 16 or something, had it carved in 2009 or 2010.
La Vita Nuova. It's from one of my best favorite words ever. The title of a great poem by Dante Alighieri where all feelings, mine precisely, written. Am I doing a terrible thing?
But the thing is, how much have I loved? How much will I love?

Picking Up The Pieces - Paloma Faith

Music Video

Acoustic Version

Do you think of her

When you're with me?

Repeat the memories you made together

Whose face do you see?

Do you wish I was a bit more like her?

Am I too loud?

I play the clown

To cover up all these doubts

Perfect heart

She's flawless

She's the other woman

Shining in her splendor

You were lost

Now she's gone

And I'm picking up the pieces

I watch you cry

But you don't see that I'm the one by your side

'Cause she's gone

In her shadow is it me you see?

'Cause all that's left is you and I

And I'm picking up the pieces she left behind

I found a photograph behind the TV

You look so happy are you missing the way it used to be?

And I have changed this room around more often lately

It's clear that we

And these four walls

Still known as hers and yours

Perfect part

She's flawless

She's the other woman

Shining in her splendor

You were lost

Now she's gone

And I'm picking up the pieces

I watch you cry

But you don't see that I'm the one by your side

'Cause she's gone

In her shadow is it me you see?

'Cause all that's left is you and I

And I'm picking up the pieces she left behind

Are we liars in denial?

Are we smoke without the fire?

Tell me please is this worth it

I deserve it

'Cause she's gone

And I'm picking up the pieces

I watch you cry

But you don't see that I'm the one by your side

'Cause she's gone

In her shadow is it me you see?

'Cause all that's left is you and I

And I'm picking up the pieces

She left behind

I'm picking up the pieces

Of a broken heart

Who will save them?

Who will save them?

I'm picking up the pieces

Ooh, I'm picking up the pieces

Somebody save me

Somebody save me

Oh, oh, ooh, ooh.

.

You might think she's tough. Maybe she is. But not tough enough. She's broken inside, and you know why. It's partly because of you. But she loves you, so she never complaint about that.

But you take her for granted. She burst into tears and I'm not sure you understand how hurt it was. It was like an incredible never ending pain she must felt every single day. But you don't think it  matters. You think she can handle that, just because she gave you the best thing she could make: smile. A fake smile while hid her drowning tears, and you don't know that.

So please open your eyes, I beg you. Cause this time she's broken and you don't care enough, she's gonna leave.

And this time she's not scared.

After Bath! #penting

Nggak penting sih tapi lagi bosen. Nunggu jam 3 jalan ketemu Gemma di Ratu Plaza abis itu pergi ke LSPR, seminar Sakti Makki (lagi). Badan ga enak, flu, batuk, masih darah rendah. Yang pneting semangat! Semacam ngarep dengan sering ikutan seminar dia bisa masuk agency nanti someday. Amin!
SEminar nanti sampe jam 9, berharap bisa bangun pagi karena kelas Maam Sania Makki besok jam 8 teng. Hap hap hap! (dan belom bikin tugas. mateek.).

I Hate You :(

Is it possible to feel this way right now?
I feel weird. My long distance relationship seems to lost their faith. Both of us. Or maybe it's just me. Lately I feel so much doubt. About him, my feelings, and love that once was true.
I don't want to have kids. Not that way. I hate the way he said women's nature. In Indonesian they called it kodrat. And I really really hate that word. More than any words. That's just because women can, not because we want to. It is wrong if I don't want to pregnant and raise a child? Not this time. Or maybe in te years I probably still don't want to. Maybe eventually I will change my mind but I believe that's gonna be a long time waiting. I hate the way he said that's the kind of thing that should be done and nothing could change it. That he probably leave if I still don't change my mind. And I really hate it all right now.
If I still like this in 5 years then what? We're gonna break up, is that what he want?
To be honest I didn't feel right. I feel different. Love, maybe, because presence is the hardest thing to do in our relationship. Distance sucks, but feel this way is the worst thing.

Pretty Stuff

My Summer Anthem So Far

• How We Love - Ingrid Michaelson

She smelled like cinnamon and winter clove

And sparked like firewood inside a stove

Wanted to ask her just to sit and stay

Instead he watched as she walked away

We hate the rain when it fills up our shoes

But how we love when it washes our cars

We love to love when it fills up the room

But when it leaves oh we're cursing the stars

• Coffee & Cigarattes - Michelle Featherstone

I thought that if I didn’t go and play

The sadness would get bored and go away

I thought that if I didn’t go astray

That all my pain would be in yesterday

But it’s true

I’m still blue

But I finally know what to do

I must quit, I must quit, you

• Payphone - Jayesslee (Maroon 5 cover)

I know it’s hard to remember

The people we used to be

It’s even harder to picture

That you’re not here next to me

• Both of Us - B.O.B ft. Taylor Swift

I wish I was strong enough to lift not one but both of us 

Someday I will be strong enough to lift not one but both of us

I can feel your pain, I can feel your struggle          

You just wanna live, but everything so low

• We Are Never Ever Ever Getting Back Together - Taylor Swift

I hate you, we broke up. You call me, I love you.

• I'm There Too - Michelle Featherston

I see myself in you

In everything you do

And when you're all alone at night

You know I am by your side

Cause I'm there too

I see your face in mine

And I know there'll come a time

When you will take my hand

And I will understand

That you're there too

• When You Find Me - Joshua Radin ft. Maria Taylor

My only weakness, is knowing your secrets

and holding them close, and hold them tight

I know the way to silently make you

smile with my eyes, when you're trying to fight

Can't you see that when I find you, I'll find me

Oh I need you to know today I'll wait for you always

Oh I need you to know today I'll wait for you always

Cause when I find you, I'll find me

• Copper Down - The Boy Who Trapped The Sun

And all that matters branded on your arm

So you don't forget how we first met

Suddenly I have this feeling

Tasting copper in my mouth

• Never Let Me Go - Lana Del Rey

If you love me hardcore, then don't walk away

It's a game boy, I don't wanna play

I just wanna be yours, like I always say

Never let me go

• Miles - Christina Perri

We made it out, and all the other people are asking how

This doesn’t even sound like truth to grow from a bruise

But one day we will realize how hard it was, how hard we tried

And how our hearts made it out alive

Kiss me on my shoulder, and tell me it’s not over

I promise to always come home to you

Remind me that I’m older to be brave, smart, sweet, and bolder

And don’t give up on what we’re trying to do

Don’t count the miles, count the “I love you”s

• Careful - Michelle Featherstone 

It's the things you do

That made me fall for you

And I can't help it

And it's every day

That I feel this way

So just don't stop it

I've made up my mind

That I'm gonna let you in

And I'm not afraid

But I have to say

This is gonna hurt

If it ever ends

But somehow you have shattered my defense

This is gonna hurt

If it ever starts

So promise you'll be careful with my heart

Orange

It's complicated. Heart.
Sometimes I feel like nothing in this world could makes me love you less.
Except one thing.
Yellow comed before red. Like when you bought a box of crayons and you'll see the arangement of colors, it goes from  pinkish, yellow, orange, and red. There's a gap between them and Yellow goes first before Red come in.
For 9 years of my lige I'm full of Yellow. Then when I decide it's stupid to keep it for a lifetime, mine precisely, I decide to take off any colors in me. But that's just last for couple days. And I met him, I'm all about Red. If it's not because of Red, today I'm just a stupid girl, spent 11 of her 20th years alive to wait someone who don't give a fuck about what she had done.
But although I am Red doesn't mean I can't be Yellow sometimes, or feeling orange in those days when I'm so confused between past and present. It's like how a little guy had his first bicycle for the first time, then he learned how try ride motorcycle, then he's driving. Maybe sometimes he feel lonely and miss things he used to be so he ride bicylcle, and when he feels like something is wrong in his heart but he's not sure cause he's got an adult life to live he decide to ride motorcycle.
Supposing I had a car right now. And I know I used to love a bicycle I loved so much once but can't ride it, and there's so many time I've spent with motorcycle. And I wonder how can I fly, who can took me to the sky and explore the stars.

The Ex-Traveller

I'm in the road.

From somewhere, to nowhere.

Too much burden in the past I wanna go out and live my life.

Sometimes I think I'm falling apart.

Broke every bones I have, but still I keep my eyes open.

I probably fall way too deep.

But how come one fall when she never been high enough to fall till it hurts?

I feel none.

It's either I'm dead or I'm just fall from the universe

But did't touch the ground.

I wanna go out and leave all this behind.

Travel the earth, see the world with my own eyes.

Tell a little bird some story about dream.

They'll go to the sky and prove if it's true.

But even a little bird had nature courage to explore.

And they can fly.

I'm not that lucky to have wings and be brave at the same moment.

Maybe I never will.

I wanna go the beach

See the land, see the air, see the water

Capture in memory

I'm both happy and love at the same time

A Little Poem to Dania

Couple days ago I met my deary friend Dania, had a good talk when she told me about a guy we loves and how things sometimes gets pretty confusing to understand. So I was in the bathroom on 5 pm and sang random tune, random words just to fill the shower time with something's good when I think of a word.
Constant battle. And it's like a machine I automaticly think of them. So here it is.

Constant Battle

You and I like a constant battle everyday

We fought for something we can't decide

We said we let things flow but we didn't

We act like two strangers when eyes really can't tell the truth

Like how we used to talk

Your silly jokes

My freak habits

And how our mutual weirdness blend so well

Like I have known you all of my life

I can feel your pain

Teary memories you told me with little fake smile

I wait you told me what's on your mind

But it seems like you didn't have one

Or even a heart to feel

Cause sometimes divided we stand, united we fall

And it didn't feel like falling too hard

When I'd rather feel a little pain than nothing at all

And for you it's all a mystery

I'm in constant battle everyday

Between things I want, and thing I need

About what feels right but probably wrong,

And what's right but pretty tough

Or none of it were true

And you're in constant battle all of your life

For things you can't feel and how you decide to let it show

When life treats you rough once,you dance in the rain

And turn everyone wrong into tears

Instead let them heal your pain

I wonder what it's gonna be like in months

After I left

And you stayed

And we

Us

Or is it just you, separately, me.

Shoot. I'm on vacation way too much I need to get a life.