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I can live without you. I just don't want to.

Date A Girl Who Reads

“Date a girl who reads. Date a girl who spends her money on books instead of clothes. She has problems with closet space because she has too many books. Date a girl who has a list of books she wants to read, who has had a library card since she was twelve.
Find a girl who reads. You’ll know that she does because she will always have an unread book in her bag. She’s the one lovingly looking over the shelves in the bookstore, the one who quietly cries out when she finds the book she wants. You see the weird chick sniffing the pages of an old book in a second hand book shop? That’s the reader. They can never resist smelling the pages, especially when they are yellow.
She’s the girl reading while waiting in that coffee shop down the street. If you take a peek at her mug, the non-dairy creamer is floating on top because she’s kind of engrossed already. Lost in a world of the author’s making. Sit down. She might give you a glare, as most girls who read do not like to be interrupted. Ask her if she likes the book.
Buy her another cup of coffee.
Let her know what you really think of Murakami. See if she got through the first chapter of Fellowship. Understand that if she says she understood James Joyce’s Ulysses she’s just saying that to sound intelligent. Ask her if she loves Alice or she would like to be Alice.
It’s easy to date a girl who reads. Give her books for her birthday, for Christmas and for anniversaries. Give her the gift of words, in poetry, in song. Give her Neruda, Pound, Sexton, Cummings. Let her know that you understand that words are love. Understand that she knows the difference between books and reality but by god, she’s going to try to make her life a little like her favorite book. It will never be your fault if she does.
She has to give it a shot somehow.
Lie to her. If she understands syntax, she will understand your need to lie. Behind words are other things: motivation, value, nuance, dialogue. It will not be the end of the world.
Fail her. Because a girl who reads knows that failure always leads up to the climax. Because girls who understand that all things will come to end. That you can always write a sequel. That you can begin again and again and still be the hero. That life is meant to have a villain or two.
Why be frightened of everything that you are not? Girls who read understand that people, like characters, develop. Except in the Twilight series.
If you find a girl who reads, keep her close. When you find her up at 2 AM clutching a book to her chest and weeping, make her a cup of tea and hold her. You may lose her for a couple of hours but she will always come back to you. She’ll talk as if the characters in the book are real, because for a while, they always are.
You will propose on a hot air balloon. Or during a rock concert. Or very casually next time she’s sick. Over Skype.
You will smile so hard you will wonder why your heart hasn’t burst and bled out all over your chest yet. You will write the story of your lives, have kids with strange names and even stranger tastes. She will introduce your children to the Cat in the Hat and Aslan, maybe in the same day. You will walk the winters of your old age together and she will recite Keats under her breath while you shake the snow off your boots.
Date a girl who reads because you deserve it. You deserve a girl who can give you the most colorful life imaginable. If you can only give her monotony, and stale hours and half-baked proposals, then you’re better off alone. If you want the world and the worlds beyond it, date a girl who reads.”

IMY :(

I miss you.
I miss your sweet smile, your tender kisses and sweet chocolate smell from your perfume.
I miss your laugh and the playful light in your eyes when you look at me.
I miss your stories about your childhood, how it always makes want to take a part of your life even more.
I miss you silly jokes and how you fell asleep in my lap.
I miss you more than I can say, I need you.
I miss us. The old us.

Thought of the day

I'm not worried about the world ending in 2012. It could end anytime.
I'm worried if the world ends while I'm not holding your hand. Cause all I can wish for about the world ending is you by my side.
Because the last person I wanna see is you. And the last words I wanna say is how much I love you, all of my life. Because that's when you will see I'm proofing my promise to you, to love you till the rest of my life.
So if the world ends, I'm gonna kiss you.
And with my last power, I'm gonna hold you tight. And that's how forever will be proven.

I'm tired.

I'm so close to say "I'm done" every single day. And I don't see how logic it is. What kind of relationship between one who wants to be around and one who can't take time just a bit to say something the others one's dying to hear. What kind of relationship between a caller and dial tone and a rejection of 20-seconds-conversation?
What kind of relationship, what why should we stay and live with it, if it's only makes one's life miserable? Because every time I had to wait, be told to be patient and realize that this isn't working out like it used to be, I give my best to hold the tears and try really hard not to cry.
You really had no idea what it's like to be me, do you?
How hard to say something, to share your burden with me and forgot all those damn task you have while you spent a day with me, once a months, and not ignoring me? Why can't you see that you don't make it easier? And sometimes, all the things you said about how much you care and how your love is bigger than mine, sounds like a big obvious lies to me. Cause if you really care and you really love, you'll take your time and try to make it a good quality time.
All I'm saying is just my thoughts lately. I miss the old him so much.

It's not funny. Maybe it is.

Lucu ya.
At some point gue ngerasa capek sama semuanya. It was, but then is different. Lucu gimana sesuatu yang rasanya pernah membakar gue hidup-hidup itu berangsur menghilang. Bukan karena duka itu hilang, tapi karena gue mulai terbiasa sama duka itu. Kayak sekujur tubuh gue diminyakin lalu dibakar, awalnya gue bakal teriak-teriak mengeluh, minta seseorang mematikan apinya. Tapi api itu nggak mati-mati juga, dan sekarang gue seolah terbiasa berjalan snatai melakukan semua kegiatan gue dengan api di tubuh, seolah itu hal biasa.
Kadang gue mikir, mungkin kalau kita menutup mata dan coba melakukan kilas balik masa lalu dan mencoba mengingat kembali apa yang dulu pernah bikin kita bahagia, kita bisa merasakan itu sekali lagi dan melupakan semua duka ini.
Mungkin.
Tapi di sisi lain, kemungkinan memparahnya segala kekecewaan itu juga sama besarnya dengan kemungkinan kita melupakan semua ini dan move on, menjalani hidup baru yang lebih baik dari sebelumnya.