The Last

Finally!
Watching this makes me think even more than I did all day long.
How many have I loved?
First, there's a boy. My very first friend, my childhood friend. Odi. His grandmother is my grandma's friend, his father was my mother's friend, and he's mine. We met when we were 3 years old, being a bestfriend, kind of childish boyfriend girfriend and make a silly plan to get marry someday. I kissed him once when I was 4 years old or 5, when he picked me up to school together like we always did. I still talked to him when I was 6 but then his parents got divorced. And that's just too hard to understand for a 6 years old. We went to the same junior high, but neve really taled again. And that is how we stop being friend.
The second is the longest one. I'm not sure if it's for nine years or lasted till eleven. I met yellow when I was 9 and you know the rest of story.
The third is Red. I love him. So much.And he's probably the only guy I love and love me back. But relationship it's hard, and I need him to care. Cause this kind of relationship isn't that kind when I love him and he don't do the same. I'll be long gone by then. I don't know what or how he sees me but I wish he could understand a little bit. I want this to last, but if thing's getting harder I'm not sure whether to stay or leave cause pain is overrated. He alsways told me to be patient but I don't think he really understand what it's like to be me.
So now I'm in my dilemma. Between make it three still, or closed the book and waiting for the four.

How Many Have You Loved?

A simple question, "How many have you loved?" Is your answer, one and only? Or is it several, all of whom have shaped your life?

I just watched this trailer and it makes me thinking something I refuse to think about. Lately I've been wondering if things went wrong or if something happen in the future.
It's 2012. October. Eleven years ago, I saw a boy in one hot summer afternoon. Yellow. It happened and I never thought something weird would trick me into this thoughts. Even now. And still, I don't know why.

How many have you loved?

How many do you loved?

How many will you loved?

"Who are their names?"

"Who, what, when, where, why."

We search for.

We wait for.

We hope for.

This trailer simply haunting me.
I don't wanna know the answer. It would kills me.
I said I don't wanna questioning anything about this, but the facts that I still keep wearing the ring makes me wonder how much I have loved. Yellow. I bought the ring when I was about 16 or something, had it carved in 2009 or 2010.
La Vita Nuova. It's from one of my best favorite words ever. The title of a great poem by Dante Alighieri where all feelings, mine precisely, written. Am I doing a terrible thing?
But the thing is, how much have I loved? How much will I love?

Picking Up The Pieces - Paloma Faith

Music Video

Acoustic Version

Do you think of her

When you're with me?

Repeat the memories you made together

Whose face do you see?

Do you wish I was a bit more like her?

Am I too loud?

I play the clown

To cover up all these doubts

Perfect heart

She's flawless

She's the other woman

Shining in her splendor

You were lost

Now she's gone

And I'm picking up the pieces

I watch you cry

But you don't see that I'm the one by your side

'Cause she's gone

In her shadow is it me you see?

'Cause all that's left is you and I

And I'm picking up the pieces she left behind

I found a photograph behind the TV

You look so happy are you missing the way it used to be?

And I have changed this room around more often lately

It's clear that we

And these four walls

Still known as hers and yours

Perfect part

She's flawless

She's the other woman

Shining in her splendor

You were lost

Now she's gone

And I'm picking up the pieces

I watch you cry

But you don't see that I'm the one by your side

'Cause she's gone

In her shadow is it me you see?

'Cause all that's left is you and I

And I'm picking up the pieces she left behind

Are we liars in denial?

Are we smoke without the fire?

Tell me please is this worth it

I deserve it

'Cause she's gone

And I'm picking up the pieces

I watch you cry

But you don't see that I'm the one by your side

'Cause she's gone

In her shadow is it me you see?

'Cause all that's left is you and I

And I'm picking up the pieces

She left behind

I'm picking up the pieces

Of a broken heart

Who will save them?

Who will save them?

I'm picking up the pieces

Ooh, I'm picking up the pieces

Somebody save me

Somebody save me

Oh, oh, ooh, ooh.

.

You might think she's tough. Maybe she is. But not tough enough. She's broken inside, and you know why. It's partly because of you. But she loves you, so she never complaint about that.

But you take her for granted. She burst into tears and I'm not sure you understand how hurt it was. It was like an incredible never ending pain she must felt every single day. But you don't think it  matters. You think she can handle that, just because she gave you the best thing she could make: smile. A fake smile while hid her drowning tears, and you don't know that.

So please open your eyes, I beg you. Cause this time she's broken and you don't care enough, she's gonna leave.

And this time she's not scared.