What's on My Life in 2010

So it's the last day in 2010, I decided to made a list. It's all about 2010, what's changed in my life. Good things get worse, bad heart get better, loneliness and broken heart turns into a new flame as I had move on and found the real love, etc. Here we go.

1. I pass the crazy national exam, which it means I gotta say goodbye to my best fellas in senior high school. But the memories of being the part of XIIS2 is unforgettable and I hope, the friendship would lasts no matter how far we apart or how long we didn't meet :)
2. I made it, to enter the school that I really want. Management and Business of Convention, which is bring me to the next point..
3. I get my freedom. Out from the house and move to the new town. I learned things and found the pleasure to live in individuality, something I really wants to have since last year.
4. I, finally, moving on. 9 years of love is silly but I can't helped.. till this July, when with my little small courage, I decided to tell him and let it go. Let the story have the ends. And that is such a big relief that I finally over him.
5. Then, it probably the best things I ever had in 2010 (and in my life, maybe). It's the best part of 2010.. that met Red. It's sounds crazy and maybe it is. I fell in love and I realize.. that I'm totally get over with my past. Plus, I love my Red so much like a girl to her teddy bear, day and night pass with my thoughts of him. Hope this love will lasts :)
6. I got so many experiences in life and makes me be a stronger person. Someone wants to let me down, I can stood up still and win the race. Red broke my heart so bad, I'm stood up still, forgive the mistakes and give a little try as I believe in him. Some people doesn't like me, that's quite alright as long as there's still a good friends who take me as I am.
7. I have a pleasure in shopping this year, much better than last year LOL
8. I feel like I'm a better person in 2010, somehow

That's all I can remember though..

The Hatters

Have you ever feel.. or think that someone or some people might hate you?

I know, even when they said nothing, that they don't like me. I can't tell.. My attitude? My face? My style? Or what? Something I cannot tell cause I don't even know what it is.

Well, I hate to feel this but I won't care. At least I'm trying not to care. As long as I live, just a little change I've made and nobody really cares. I mean, I never be mean to someone without causes and I never got critic about that.. which takes me to two point of view. Is that because my old pals won't hurt my feeling cause the truth is, I'm annoying? Or is it only people's comment, which don't really matters to me as long as my besties and some other people thinks that's alright?

I won't care, even deep inside I know that I actually care about what people said. Well, I don't think I do wrong to them, so why they even bother me? If they don't like me, why don't they just stay away instead talk about me? Why don't they just careless about me? Am I so bad then they judge me easily? Have I do you wrong, hatters? (Well, I think 'hatter's is too much but I couldn't find any other words right now). Too much love could kill you (taken on one of Queen's song) and in my opinion, if you hate too much people in their weakness will makes you alone and miserable. And that's sad.

I hate to think that people hate me, cause they actually don't know much about me. Well, they could say that I'm blah blah blah and blah blah blah, but have they ever be me? Have they ever through times and moments like me, exactly like what I'm going through? Before you judge me why don't you try hard to love me? (That's what MJ said in "Childhood" song, the only words that hard to forget).

I don't get it. Maybe I should take a look on myself, too.

“Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind.” ~ Dr. Seuss

Your Call

To Red:

So I think now you realize that every little thing you do could makes me happy and sad. You call me an hour ago, did you know that it's the very first call with no reason from you? We talked about nothing, just chat in casual way like we usually did. We just listen to Katy Perry's Fireworks and have a light jokes. It probably means nothing for you or people, but it means a lot for me. The thought of you thinking of me, makes me have this great feeling. I'm happy.

Well, you don't have to asked if I love you anymore. You know I do. And I wish, I always do cause at this moment, I wan't nobody else but you. Even if I have to choose between you and my past, I think it's you the one who'll be chosen. Well, I love my past for a long time. But I love myself when I'm with you more, and that is something I wouldn't feel with any other guy.

And I hope you feel the same way too.

P.s.

Love you more than you know :)

Red-Heart-Question-marks

To love someone we hate,
is easier than hate someone we love.

To forgive our love,
is easier than forgive our enemy.

To care about person you love,
is easier than care about your own self.

To miss someone you love,
is easier than be missed with someone we love.

And loving you,
is damn, much more easier than have you loving me.

P.s.
I'm thinking about let you go cause some people told me to think about it. I hate that suggestion, but somehow I think they probably right. I do realize that anguish would kill me. Then I think of you.
You probably happier without me. You, maybe, better off without me. You'll be fine, cause you're not so sincere like me.
But the matter is the fact that I don't want to. Or worse, maybe I can't.
I'll be fine, though it can't be easy for me and I need some times to cheer myself up. I can back to my past, but I won't. I can find another, but I don't think I can.

Maybe that's because I'm a girl. Heart, once it's loves, it'll loves forever. And once it's broken, it's broken forever though it looks just fine. And if it patient, then it'll be waiting, always.
So that means that I'm strong enough to have you here and hurts, and strong enough to let you go. And hurts, too. I'll drowning in my own tears in any side I choose.

G-Red

How could I miss someone that I never have even for a while? How can I miss G, to remember I actually never share memories with G?

My life has it's cycle. Just one dream and it's blew up. My decision to leave disappear, my wish to taste it come backs, my sense blur. G ruin my life with just one silly daydream. And with just one greeting, G's got me crazy. G's almost perfect in my eyes: he's definitely genius, has a big ambition, knows what he want to do, what he wants to have and he's working on it, and the best part, he's G. My G, and I think he always be. G owned everything, every part of me, even the littlest and the slightest part.

I used to think that all I ever wanted is G. It was, but it is? What about now, after all this past 6 months? When I declare to let him go, move on and in love with Red?

I'm IN love with Red. And I was crazy about every parts in G. I used to believe that there's a difference between them. Cause love, I think, it's when he loves you too. And if he's not, I guess that's not love.

But for now, the difference is very slight.. and I can't really see things clear right now. I can tell whom do I really care about, is it G or Red than I'll choose if someone asked me to choose. I don't know what's happen to me, I have no idea what my heart wants to say. Seems like my sense get sick and I can sense nothing at all.

Question: Can you give your love to someone else and share your dream with other?
Answer: lot of question marks.

Three Words

You said you love me. I took a smile and glad cause you do, though I'm not so sure if you literally do. Then you asked me if I love you. And I'm speechless, I don't know what to say.

Should I say yes? That's probably true.
Or should I say no, to think about possibility of pain if I say yes.

And when we're in silence, without any logical reason, I said I love you. Maybe I just want to say it to fill the emptiness. Or maybe I said it cause I want to. Or maybe that's the truth.
It's nice to heard you love me too, as you replied my words.
But did you know, what am I thinking in my head? Things that somehow, I can't say though I really want to?

In my head I keep thinking: "So now you know that I love you like I said before, please don't go breaking my heart and make me regret what I've said a minute ago, dear. Don't make me think that what you said is a crap if only someday, you drowning me in my own tears.. again."

And even though you said love, I don't really believe it. Cause there's couple of time when you say you do, you're not cause I've seen what you've done.

Do I sounds mean cause I have a thoughts like this? Maybe. But I think it's alright if it's hard for me to believe if you were me. Twice too many times.