There's still a hope for human kindness. Thanks God!

I made a poem when I miss you and can't hardly back to sleep till the dawn comes

Honestly I can't remember what my life's like before you came.
The sun doesn't shine, the moon doesn't glow, the air is heavy air. I know there's something wrong, but I can't tell what's supposed to be.
Before you came, birds don't sing love songs. They just sat down in the tree and waiting what's coming next.
Maybe an instinct to saved all the voices, to sing it all over again when you're there. And they know they wouldn't stop once you come.
Before you came, rain is just a rain. There's no rainbow after it. There's nothing good on it. Just mellow, and that's it.
Before you came, I have no idea what to do with my life. Who am I living for, who I'll be fighting for, what could makes my life better.
Before you came, I don't really believes in happiness and how could I be happy when I actually had nothing to make myself proud.
Before you came, love didn't exist. And all love stories I've been through is just my childish fantasy like a silly pop star or something.
Before you came, my days was gloomy and cold. Too much burden I saved all alone, too much tears I secretly wiped.
Before you came I give my best too hide my scars. And I believe I had no flaws at all, just scars to hide.
Before you came I can't hardly breathe and be my own self, always lives in fears that people won't like me if I'm not good enough.
Before you came, I can't laughed all day long without tears in my pillow when night comes.
Before you came, there's so little joy and pain is overrated.
Before you came, life is plain. And grey. And no fun at all.
But then you came and changes everything. That's why I owe you so much I can't repay.
I love you and it's not just some cheesy words I told to everybody. My bravery to say that means how much I really do.
I'm totally in love with you. And when I look at you in the eyes, or when your hands reach mine I knew I would do that forever.

I just can't get enough saying this, but I miss you. Again. As always.

It's late at night. Once again I found myself still awake, wonder what it's like if you were here. I miss you already though we're just off the phone, talking about hard life and how to deal with it.
I'm just saying, dear, I miss you every day. Every hour. Every second. Every time we're apart, I miss you always.
You know how much I love you, right?
I love you like a world. It's all around and I can't live without it, I'm living in it.
I love you like a love song, I keep repeat it again and again.
I love you like a poem, words in my head keep increasing while I think of you.
I love you like... well, there's just too much comparison.
I love you so much and I miss you right now. Can't wait January 13th!

Just some gifs

2011 Flashback

I think 2011 was the roughest year in my life so far. So much things happen and that's totally changed my whole life. Today I watched Kingsley Bitch's videos about 12 things in 2011 so I think I'm gonna make mine right now.

• Academia Issues

 It's crazy to except the fact that I'm not a traveler/event organizer anymore since I've been prepared all my career since I was 15. Then I moved back to Jakarta, place I hate the most and leave Bandung, place I love the most. Frankly, I love being alone. Doing things on my own, no rules so I can organize my life like what I want.

• Mental Breakdown

 March 2011 until September 2011 was the craziest months ever. I'm crying out loud, I'm so close to losing my mind and going insane. Back then I swore I'm gonna have a good career, make a good moneys then leave this crazy jail called house forever.

• People Changed

 It's like I'm so done with people. She used to call me as her best friend but now her best buddy is a whore and sadly, she seems like enjoy to be a girl who goes to parties and clubs, drinking and smoking, things she swore she would never did back then. I just realize it's stupid to believe people easily, even if she's your best friend. My other girl, someone who used to be my BFF since I was in Junior High become a crazy stingy girl who only talks about her boyfriend and other jargon. Stupid. I just hate how people who used to be good just changed and kick me out of their life.

• Different Personality

 Yup. I used to be a nice person but somehow I can't stand being like that. It's like all my dark sides comes to surface and I become a person like this: cynical, doesn't really cares about people but her own self, selfish, try hard to focusing with my study, try hard to have a good career (even if I got to stab someone's back or let's say, a friend), having anger disorder (and eating disorder of too much ate like a pig I think) and really don't give a shit about any single thing. Well maybe I'm a douche-bag right now but sorry, I really don't give a fuck about it. And yes, by the way, I'm so cynical and too often use the F words. Not good tough, but I'm working on it.

• Trust Issues

Well I think it's a matters I had with every single people I know. Even Red. There was a time in this year when I'm so mad, so much disappointing how he chat with his ex on Facebook. It's not like I forbid him or something. I know he probably just trying to be nice and still be a friend to covers all awkwardness. I don't mind.... if only he told me. I found out and that's a hit. Anyway, it's alright now.
And my trust issues have one conclusion. It's Shakespeare's quotes: love all, trust few, do wrong to no one. And in my case, I trust no one but myself.

• Commitment

Yes I know this word is just too big for a 19 years old girl but it's not me who said it first. Surprisingly, Red use this word to describe our relationship. I know he did mistakes in the past, but after all he's not perfect so neither I and nobody's perfect but I still loves him anyway. I can't imagine what would my life be without him in my life. He's my best friend, a brother, a lover and somehow I believe (as I put my faith on his) he's gotta be the one. Mr. Right. The one I'm dying to spend my life with.
We had so many conversations about future. Our future together, precisely.
I'm not gonna lie in my own blog diaries. I had a lot of doubts when it comes to our relationship. Plenty of thoughts, sometimes, makes me lose my mind and I'm just too often being emotionally irrational. But he's so calm and mature and rational so I think he got me back every time I fell. He's more than just a boyfriend for me. He's completing me and I think he's crazy to love someone childish immature like me.
We're thinking about future and just yesterday he surprising me with so many frontal statement like, "Relax, you're going to be boss's wife (boss refers to himself, a wish about career in future. I think he's gonna be a success wonderful person) and so you can do anything you want." It's sounds like a casual proposal to me. Or maybe a promise he made that if he ever wanted to settle down, starts a family and looking for a woman, that would be me. We're thinking about getting a shared account bank for things we would like to share (like dates or travel, cause long distance relationship is really costs a lot). But after all, it's nice to know we're headed to somewhere cause this years is like a crazy whore and somehow there's still a silver lining I can see.

Anyway, happy new year people. Goodbye and screw you 2011, year of pain and hated. Welcome 2012! Please be good, please be so much better than 2011 and slap whoever said 2012 would be the end of the world. Please, bitch, you're not God.

Oh shit. See? I'm rude again. So hard to control when you're so pissed. But I'm not gonna erase that and will publish it anyway.

"It's ours," you said.

My favorite words comes from your lips.

Promises I knew you would never break it.

Dreams you'll make comes true.

Your dream, my dream.

Our dream.

But.

Not today, not today.

Cause today we're just too tired.

Struggle with ourselves, struggling with our life.

Complicated things, unsolved matters.

Miss each other like crazy, distance just too far for us.

I want you in my arms every single night.

Your lips on mine, your skins on mine.

Feel you in me.

You.Me.

Us.

Time is running out.

But how come time stand stills when it comes to us?

I keep asked to myself how long it's gonna end.

How long I have to wait.

Things got to understood.

Exceptions got to make.

Sacrifices I have to give.

"Wait a little bit more and five years is forever," you said.

Is it to please me?

"It's a promise I made for myself," you said.

"It's not my dream. It's not your dream."

"It's ours."

.

Christina Perri - A Thousand Years

Heart beats fast
Colors and promises
How to be brave
How can I love when I'm afraid to fall
But watching you stand alone
All of my doubt suddenly goes away somehow

One step closer

I have died everyday waiting for you
Darling don't be afraid I have loved you
For a thousand years
I'll love you for a thousand more

Time stands still
Beauty in all she is
I will be brave
I will not let anything take away
What's standing in front of me
Every breath
Every hour has come to this

One step closer

I have died everyday waiting for you
Darling don't be afraid I have loved you
For a thousand years
I'll love you for a thousand more

And all along I believed I would find you
Time has brought your heart to me
I have loved you for a thousand years
I'll love you for a thousand more

One step closer
One step closer

I have died everyday waiting for you
Darling don't be afraid I have loved you
For a thousand years
I'll love you for a thousand more

And all along I believed I would find you
Time has brought your heart to me
I have loved you for a thousand years
I'll love you for a thousand more