It's gotta be a happy ending

We have telephone call every night, share ever little things, asked how the day was going and at the end, tell how much we loved each other. That's sounds perfect. Except a fact that it's been 4 months, maybe more, since the last time I saw Red.
I don't miss him. I would killing someone to have him with me right now.
So sometimes I just wonder, will this relationship works with distance? Will we stay together for a time? Will he wait for me? Will we still be the same when we met again? Cause I know this distance makes us changed, our relationship changed and we'll never be the same. I'm afraid distance would broke us apart and that's haunted. Well I think he's the right one for me. I don't have a good explanation here, but I just knew that. Nobody would ever make me feel this way. What we have is a precious, rare things at our age. There's a faith which makes me really believe it's gonna works. It's gonna lasts.

Faith makes things possible. Love makes it easy.

I wish. Glad Red have that faith. I have a plan to write this, my long distance relationship story and how to deal with it to proof Red is good boy to my strict Daddy. One day I asked Red how the story will end.
"Happy ending," he said. I'm glad we had the faith we need.
I honestly have a serious incurable disease of having too much worry at things. About Red, specifically. I got panic if he get sick (it's actually just a sneeze cause he's allergic to my fur pillow) or if he get a bad score (which is normal when the whole class gets the same score, too). As I ever mention before, I had trust issues too. I was. But then everything seems disappear as t he times go by.
Today I told him how our life would changes by the time I get into new college. We never be the same. Worst, we had no connection at all. Only ex-mutual friends, different city, different work, different lifestyle.
But his answer makes me glad, knowing I'm on the right man. It's what people been searching for a lifetime and I'm glad I had it all today, when I'm only 19 years old insane girl who believe she could makes a little difference in this crazy big world.
He thinks we're on the same road. Now. And then. And it would lasts. Maybe for, let's say, a lifetime.
LOVE FAITH AND HOPE!

Phoenix - Long Distance Call

Where to go I had no idea
26.10 was the price to pay
A messed up kid with no ideals at all
I thought those 26.10 I shouldn't give'em away

I remember this young guy died and I took his part
He got far too many stitches on his pretty face
Long time to see but I always thought us two would be serious
I was looking around town, thinking the same as you

I'm far gone but your long distance call
And your capital letters keep me asking for more
It's never been like that, it's never been like that
It's never been like that, it's never been like that
It's never been like that, it's never been like that
It's never been like that, it's never been like that, oh
I'm far gone but your long distance call
And your capital letters keep me asking for more

Where to go I had no idea about it
Most of the people do, there're only doing just fine
I don't wanna stay in place no more, see
Ain't doing well well well, I am only doing just fine

Long time no see, long time no say
Got little to tell, I don't say much but I might
Something always told me us two would be serious
I am Looking around town, thinking the same as you

I'm far gone but your long distance call
And your capital letters keep me asking for more
It's never been like that, it's never been like that
It's never been like that, it's never been like that
It's never been like that, it's never been like that
It's never been like that, it's never been like that, oh
I'm far gone but your long distance call
And your capital letters keep me asking for more

Long time no see... Long time no say...

Dear Goat

Sekarang jam... 1 pagi. Aku belom tidur. Dua jam lalu kamu udah ngantuk (dan tadinya aku juga ngantuk) dan beneran harus tidur karena besok ada UAS dan kamu belom belajar. Ckckck. Aku harus pinter-pinter cari sesuatu yang bikin kamu semangat. Kayak waktu UTS kemaren kamu semangat belajarnya. Terlalu semangat malahan, karena seminggu sebelumnya kamu bahkan udah ngandang di kosan villa dan belajar.
Anyway sebenernya aku nggak tau mau nulis apa. Kamu bilang terserah, jadi aku nulis hal-hal yang udah kamu tahu aja ya. Hal-hal yang aku pengen kamu tahu dan mengerti, karena meskipun kamu udah sering denger dan hafal sama kalimatnya, aku pengen kamu beneran ngerti kalo aku beneran dan nggak pretending or something.

Masalah ini bukan salah kamu. Berhenti ngatain diri kamu hina atau apalah, bahasa kamu buat ngatain diri sendiri itu banyak banget loh. Stop menyalahkan diri sendiri. Semua ini salah aku. Mungkin aku teralu kebawa sama dunia luar dan kebebasan yang nggak pernah aku dapetin di Jakarta dan mungkin masalah ini bisa jadi semacam reminder kalau aku udah kelewat batas. Lagipula selalu ada sisi positif kan di setiap masalah? Mungkin nggak sekarang, tapi someday kita bakal tahu apa arti adanya masalah ini. Tapi nggak usah nunggu terlalu lama juga aku udah tahu salah satu sisi positif yang bisa diambil. Bukan dari pihak aku, tapi kamu.
Kamu berubah banget dalam empat bulan terakhir. Dulu kamu itu... untouchable. Aku nggak tahu apa yang kamu pikirin dan kamu selalu tertutup. Bahkan sama aku. Sementara sekarang kamu terbuka banget. Kamu cerita banyak hal tanpa disuruh, bisa ngobrol panjang lebar dan kita telponan dua-tiga jam lebih tanpa sadar udah lewat tengah malem. Padahal dulu kamu bisa cerita satu hal aja udah sukur. Dan sekarang kamu jauh lebih rajin. Dan dewasa, nggak cuma dalam hal umur tapi juga dalam hal lain. Lebih bertanggung jawab, punya tujuan buat ke depannya gimana, punya prinsip dan pandangan hidup sendiri. Itu sesuatu yang menurutku sangat bagus loh. Tanpa masalah ini kamu nggak bakal berubah, bakal tetep jadi kambing yang lama. Yang tertutup dan nggak tahu apa pikirannya.
Jangan pikir kamu ngerusak mimpi aku. Ya, aku sedih banget harus pergi dari Bandung padahal tahun lalu aku berjuang abis-abisan buat diizinin kesana. Tapi ini bukan salah kamu. Lagipula bakal selalu ada sesuatu yang baru untuk dimimpikan. Mungkin sebentar lagi aku punya mimpi baru, tujuan baru tentang apa yang pengen aku lakukan (selain jadi relawan & donor dong hehe). Masalah mimpi dan cita-cita... cepat atau lambat aku harus bisa mengatasi ini sendiri. Aku pasti bisa, memang perlu waktu sih.
Lucunya, yang bikin paling sedih itu bukan karena aku harus balik ke Jakarta dengan semua norma-norma yang nyebelin ini. Yang bikin paling sedih adalah karena seharusnya kita bisa ngejalanin kuliah bareng selama empat tahun penuh lalu lulus bareng. Aku sebenernya pengen banget kita bisa kembaran dasi kalo udah semester 7.
Tapi bahkan di hal yang bikin sedih tetep aja ada hikmahnya. Dan lagi-lagi tentang kamu. Kalo aku nggak ditarik balik ke Jakarta, kamu mungkin masih sama kayak yang dulu. Dan sekalipun aku tetep stay di Bandung dan kita lulus bareng, mungkin kadar kualitas kita beda jauh sama sekarang ini. Mungkin aja kita bisa langgeng sampe setahun atau lebih, tapi cepat atau lambat kita bakal pisah deh kayaknya. Karena kamu ngga bakal berubah tanpa masalah ini. Dan aku nggak tambah dewasa, jadi nggak ada titik temunya.
Kalau diliat lagi selama sepuluh bulan ini (nyaris setahun), kita nggak melewati semua itu dengan tenang, kan? Selalu aja ada sesuatu untuk dipermasalahkan. Tentang kamu, tentang aku, tentang orang lain. Tentang kita. Sejujurnya sampai sebelum Valentine, aku nggak pernah berhenti curiga sama kamu. Selalu siap-siap seandainya kamu berubah pikiran atau mengulang kesalahan, siap-siap seandainya aku harus ngelepas kamu tanpa kehilangan harga diri. Selalu mikir aku cuma present girlfriend yang suatu hari nanti tempatnya bakal digantikan sama orang lain, dan mikir seandainya skenario seperti ini beneran kejadian, apa yang harus aku lakukan? Nggak mungkin kalau balik ngejer orang yang 9 tahun ini aku suka, karena untuk pertama kalinya aku suka orang lain yang bener-bener bisa mengalihkan semua perhatian dan konsentrasi aku, rasanya konyol kalau aku udah move on lalu balik ke dia lagi karena patah hati.
Lalu masalah ini dateng. Dan so far, kita masih kuat. Jauh lebih kuat ketimbang sebelumnya.

Jangan nyalahin diri lagi ya sayang. Soalnya kalo kamu gitu aku bakal ngerasa kamu tetep stay karena kasian sama aku. Oke?
P.s. cuma terima jawaban 'ya'.

The Only Exception

Couple days ago Red asked if I ever wrote Red-section in Indonesian. I think I'm gonna write it. Maybe today, maybe later, but I will. I began this blog over a year ago to increase my capability in writing and English, so that's why I always write in English even if the grammar are compatible with alien from somewhere.
Yeah, I'm gonna write in even it's gonna be so embarrassing. Just because he's the only exception.

P.s. There's a time when this Paramore's song keep echoing on my mind and I think of him.

When I was younger, I saw my daddy cry
And curse at the wind
He broke his own heart and I watched
As he tried to reassemble it

And my momma swore that
She would never let herself forget
And that was the day that I promised
I'd never sing of love if it does not exist

But darling, you are the only exception
You are the only exception
You are the only exception
You are the only exception

Maybe I know, somewhere deep in my soul
That love never lasts
And we've got to find other ways to make it alone
Or keep a straight face

And I've always lived like this
Keeping a comfortable distance
And up until now I had sworn to myself that I'm content with loneliness
Because none of it was ever worth the risk

But you are the only exception
You are the only exception
You are the only exception
You are the only exception

I've got a tight grip on reality
But I can't let go of what's in front of me here
I know you're leaving in the morning when you wake up
Leave me with some kind of proof, it's not a dream, oh

You are the only exception
You are the only exception
You are the only exception
You are the only exception

You are the only exception
You are the only exception
You are the only exception
You are the only exception

And I'm on my way to believing
Oh, and I'm on my way to believing

Can and Can't

I CAN:

• read books for hours, in Bahasa or English
• write for pages in both language
• makes pancakes
• win a tickle fight
• eat so much when I got mad
• doing dishes and household things by myself
• act. I'm pretty good at it (which bring me to a little regret why I reject that role of drama. never mind)
• makes beads
• not drink any water in 16 hours
• 
  

I CAN'T

• sing. though I'm join the choir to sing in national events twice or third for Sumpah Pemuda's Day. Alto voice doesn't makes me a good singer
• face students orientation without shaking except they don't screaming 10 meters from me (read: I had akousticophobia)
• cook a proper dinner (except pastas and sandwich which is doesn't counts)
• having nap (it's damn hard for me)
• hangout to the down after 6PM without adults. First, I banned. Second, I'm afraid.

# random stuff

Vows

It's not like I'm getting married (please, I'm 19 years old girl in 21th century) but yesterday Red and I was talking about how things and our personality has changed to a better one since this shitty-matters happened to me.

I have a little promise that I made, not to him but to myself about how I will treat him well. I won't lie to him, I'll stand by him no matter what, support him, take care of him, believe and give some privacy to him.

And suddenly he mention marriage vows. We don't talk about the marriage. It's about the vows. That's a simply yet beautiful vows. Couples wedding in the Roman Catholic Church will essentially make the same pledge to one another. The customary text in English is:

I, ____, take you, ____, to be my (husband/wife). I promise to be true to you in good times and in bad, in sickness and in health. I will love you and honor you all the days of my life. I, ____, take you, ____, for my lawful (husband/wife), to have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, until death do us part.

The rules of love is pretty simple. We took the good time, we'll take the bad time. Surely you got to. What? Are you going to stop loving someone just because he sick/in bad time/poor/etc? That's insane. Whoever left their partner in causes, they don't really love them. Me, personally, won't leave him in any trouble no matter how hard it is. I don't have the heart to let him through all bad thing that may happen all alone, right? It's so simple and beautiful so I have no idea why there's jerks in someplace whom left their partner in time of trouble. They just... don't deserve to be loved. How can you be loved if you don't started to love? Silly people.

And the crazy thing is.. somehow I knew he'll do the same. I look at my life today, it's been 4 months since the last time I saw him. He still mine. Thank God.

Katy Perry - Teenage Dream

You think I'm pretty without any make-up on
You think I'm funny when I tell the punch line wrong
I know you get me so I'll let my walls come down, down

Before you met me I was alright
But things were kinda heavy
You brought me to life
Now every February you'll be my valentine, valentine

Let's go all the way tonight
No regrets, just love
We can dance until we die
You and I
We'll be young forever

You make me feel like
I'm living a Teenage Dream
The way you turn me on
I can't sleep, let's runaway
And don't ever look back
Don't ever look back

My heart stops when you look at me
Just one touch now baby I believe
This is real so take a chance
And don't ever look back
Don't ever look back

We drove to Cali and got drunk on the beach
Got a motel and built a fort out of sheets
I finally found you my missing puzzle piece
I'm complete

Let's go all the way tonight
No regrets, just love
We can dance until we die
You and I
We'll be young forever

You make me feel like
I'm living a Teenage Dream
The way you turn me on
I can't sleep, let's runaway
And don't ever look back
Don't ever look back

My heart stops when you look at me
Just one touch now baby I believe
This is real so take a chance
And don't ever look back
Don't ever look back

I might get your heart racing
In my skin-tight jeans
Be your teenage dream tonight

Let you put your hands on me
In my skin-tight jeans
Be your teenage dream tonight

You make me feel like
I'm living a Teenage Dream
The way you turn me on
I can't sleep, let's runaway
And don't ever look back
Don't ever look back

My heart stops when you look at me
Just one touch now baby I believe
This is real so take a chance
And don't ever look back
Don't ever look back