A Dream

Things get harder and seems I'm being weaker day by day. I don't know how get through of this. 5 years is my minimum goals. I've got a plan to go to college in here, working, writing, earn some money and get a good job after graduate. I wonder how much I could earn in 5 years. 10 millions, probably? I want to go out from here. It's not like I hate my family or somewhat but I just don't want to live in the same home with them anymore. There's a plenty of strange feeling. like I'm stuck in this absurd place and I'm not going to live here forever, I'm not going to make a gap so they could set me out as they pleased anymore. I'm not a kiddo anymore and I want to live in my own rules.

Keep in your mind it's not because of Red. It's my life, so that action would be my choice. I want a freedom to my own life, that's all I ever wanted.

You know what, Katy Perry's ET song keep banging on my head:

take me, take take take me

wanna be your victim

ready for abduction

hell yeah, I'm ready to go out from here anytime!

My Wedding Blog

So... I always love wedding and ever since I'm in Bandung I've been always dreaming to be a wedding planner someday. But even though I'm not longer live in there and gotta apply to other university in Jakarta, I swear I'll never let my dream a past. I still want to become a wedding planner no matter what happens.

So today I made my wedding blog. Please visit http://ilovewedding.tumblr.com and that's all about wedding, love, couple, affection and every girl dreams.

P.s. I promote my tumblr account too, it's houseofbugya.tumblr.com :)

Sombre and Lonely

I miss you a lot.

I miss your laugh, I miss your smile, I miss your voice whisper in my ear, I miss your smell of perfume and smoke, I miss how you take me in your arms when we take a walk together, how you clean my spoon and fork before I ate my food. I miss your silly face and your pretty gaze, I miss your touch and how you walk me home every night after we having dinner together.

I'm craving for your kiss and your presence. I miss you so bad and that's why you're the first thing that pops in my head when I wake up in the morning and you're the last thing I was thinking before I go to sleep.

I miss you like crazy and makes me realize how much you meant to me, how much I want you in my life and how I actually love you so.

I never hate myself so bad when I know you're probably sick and I'm not there to take care of you. I was cry when I hear how lonely you become and yes, I hate myself so much to made those mistakes and makes me have to leaving.

Don't give up on me. You said you'll be waiting. Mean it. Please.

I'll find my way to back to you. I promise you.

In Prison

It's been 2 weeks. If I said I'm okay right now, it would be a lie. Cause I'm not okay, though I probably sounds fine. At least I'm trying to pretend that I'm fine, or maybe I'm gonna be. But it's not an easy thing to do. I'm broken, and I have no idea why I'm still breathing. It feels like.. I'm half alive while the other part of me is dead. And that's what makes it hard. It's hurting me every time I took a breathe cause the pain is unbearable and yet I still alive to feel the vain. I think to be dead would be so much easier.

I want to die. I wish I could. But I won't, cause there's a lot of thing I cannot do by dying. It's not like I want to grab a knife and kill my self. I don't really wants to dead, I just don't know how to survive and make it through. I always thought that I'm a strong woman. But when I saw my reflection today, I realize I'm just a fragile little girl inside. My face is pale as ever and I literally can see the pain in my eyes. It freaks me out cause it doesn't look like me. It's not me. It's somebody else's face.

But that's mine.

And minutes feels like hours, days like years and though it's been weeks, I believe a year could feels longer than years. It's not my place, but they insist called it home. It's not a home for me. Home is places where your heart wants to be, right? It's not my place. It's not my home. This is a prison, coldest places and maybe, for now, it's the last place I want to be. But shits, I'm here. In prison.

I hate to be here, I wanna go out from here. But I can do nothing. I don't have enough money to feeding myself, and I'm just too scared of being alone out there. I mean, it's alright if I got to be alone as long ad I have money in my pocket. But I don't have that and for me, world' could be so cruel. I'm so chicken.

Dear, please get me out from here. I'm not sure if I'm strong enough to faced this, yet patient enough to waiting for 5 years ;(

I'm Speechless

I'm speechless. I never thought thing could changed so fast. I never thought my life will change this fast.

I'll be resign from my study in Bandung. Things changed. I hate it, but I can't help. It's not totally my mistakes but what can I do? I'll never could turn back the time. It feels like God already printed the book of my life, everything's written and nothing I can do to erase it from the book. Even I type - x it, nothing gonna change. And nothing I could do to change it.

I know I've been changed so much since I live in Bandung. So that's why my family pull me back to Jakarta.

I really wish there's a miracle so I could stay.. forever. Cause the last thing I want to happen in my life, maybe, is to be apart from Red.

Even Now - Barry Mannilow

Even Now
When there's someone else who cares
When there's someone home who's waiting just for me
Even now I think about you as I'm climbing up the stairs
And I wonder what to do so he won't see
That even now
When I know it wasn't right
And I found a better life than what we had
Even now I wakeup crying in the middle of the night
And I can't believe it still could hurt so bad

Even now when I have come so far
I wonder where you are
I wonder why it's still so hard without you
Even now when I come shining through
I swear I think of you
And how I wish you knew
Even now

Even now
When I never hear your name
And the world has changed so much since you been gone
Even now I still remember and the feeling's still the same
And the pain inside of me goes on and on
Even now

Even now when I have come so far
I wonder where you are
I wonder why it's still so hard without you
Even now when I come shining through
I swear I think of you
And God I wish you knew
Some how
Even now

One Step to The True Trustful

I believe in Red much better than yesterday. He totally changed in some way. The way he touched, hug, kiss and the light in his eyes makes me believe that he's into me right now.
So today it's a best day. We spend more than 24 hours together, had some quality time together and share our dreams. He planned to some business as soon as possible, and makes me wanna plan some business for myself too. We had one thing in common, a dream to go to visit and explore Italy someday. An Brazil, to Rio.

I won't say this out loud. But I wish we could make it real together. I mean.. I hope I can go to Italy, fulfill my wishes with him. You know what I'm saying (gee it's so embarrassing).

And even if our way lead to another different road, I still wish the best things for him. Cause now I know, I realize and I have no doubt about a truth that I actually loves him so bad. I love him with a big affection, big enough to make me did some sacrifice.

But still, it seems like nobody in this world ever knew what's on Red's mind.

I don't know what he sees in me. Maybe I'm just his present girlfriend. Maybe I'm just one of his youth romance or whatever. I asked him what he's looking for in me. He had no idea and I'm kinda disappointing cause he don't know what I actually means.

I mean, it's a college life and I know it's too early to decide but that's me and I can't help. I simply just want to asked if he's serious with me, I want to make sure that our relationship isn't a game he played cause he's bored and need a friend.

Cause I actually wish that Red have the same thought with me, and somehow I have a faith that I'm the best for him. I just wish he realize, somehow, sometimes before I changed my mind cause I can bear the tears anymore. Before it's too late.