Sombre and Lonely

I miss you a lot.

I miss your laugh, I miss your smile, I miss your voice whisper in my ear, I miss your smell of perfume and smoke, I miss how you take me in your arms when we take a walk together, how you clean my spoon and fork before I ate my food. I miss your silly face and your pretty gaze, I miss your touch and how you walk me home every night after we having dinner together.

I'm craving for your kiss and your presence. I miss you so bad and that's why you're the first thing that pops in my head when I wake up in the morning and you're the last thing I was thinking before I go to sleep.

I miss you like crazy and makes me realize how much you meant to me, how much I want you in my life and how I actually love you so.

I never hate myself so bad when I know you're probably sick and I'm not there to take care of you. I was cry when I hear how lonely you become and yes, I hate myself so much to made those mistakes and makes me have to leaving.

Don't give up on me. You said you'll be waiting. Mean it. Please.

I'll find my way to back to you. I promise you.

In Prison

It's been 2 weeks. If I said I'm okay right now, it would be a lie. Cause I'm not okay, though I probably sounds fine. At least I'm trying to pretend that I'm fine, or maybe I'm gonna be. But it's not an easy thing to do. I'm broken, and I have no idea why I'm still breathing. It feels like.. I'm half alive while the other part of me is dead. And that's what makes it hard. It's hurting me every time I took a breathe cause the pain is unbearable and yet I still alive to feel the vain. I think to be dead would be so much easier.

I want to die. I wish I could. But I won't, cause there's a lot of thing I cannot do by dying. It's not like I want to grab a knife and kill my self. I don't really wants to dead, I just don't know how to survive and make it through. I always thought that I'm a strong woman. But when I saw my reflection today, I realize I'm just a fragile little girl inside. My face is pale as ever and I literally can see the pain in my eyes. It freaks me out cause it doesn't look like me. It's not me. It's somebody else's face.

But that's mine.

And minutes feels like hours, days like years and though it's been weeks, I believe a year could feels longer than years. It's not my place, but they insist called it home. It's not a home for me. Home is places where your heart wants to be, right? It's not my place. It's not my home. This is a prison, coldest places and maybe, for now, it's the last place I want to be. But shits, I'm here. In prison.

I hate to be here, I wanna go out from here. But I can do nothing. I don't have enough money to feeding myself, and I'm just too scared of being alone out there. I mean, it's alright if I got to be alone as long ad I have money in my pocket. But I don't have that and for me, world' could be so cruel. I'm so chicken.

Dear, please get me out from here. I'm not sure if I'm strong enough to faced this, yet patient enough to waiting for 5 years ;(

I'm Speechless

I'm speechless. I never thought thing could changed so fast. I never thought my life will change this fast.

I'll be resign from my study in Bandung. Things changed. I hate it, but I can't help. It's not totally my mistakes but what can I do? I'll never could turn back the time. It feels like God already printed the book of my life, everything's written and nothing I can do to erase it from the book. Even I type - x it, nothing gonna change. And nothing I could do to change it.

I know I've been changed so much since I live in Bandung. So that's why my family pull me back to Jakarta.

I really wish there's a miracle so I could stay.. forever. Cause the last thing I want to happen in my life, maybe, is to be apart from Red.

Even Now - Barry Mannilow

Even Now
When there's someone else who cares
When there's someone home who's waiting just for me
Even now I think about you as I'm climbing up the stairs
And I wonder what to do so he won't see
That even now
When I know it wasn't right
And I found a better life than what we had
Even now I wakeup crying in the middle of the night
And I can't believe it still could hurt so bad

Even now when I have come so far
I wonder where you are
I wonder why it's still so hard without you
Even now when I come shining through
I swear I think of you
And how I wish you knew
Even now

Even now
When I never hear your name
And the world has changed so much since you been gone
Even now I still remember and the feeling's still the same
And the pain inside of me goes on and on
Even now

Even now when I have come so far
I wonder where you are
I wonder why it's still so hard without you
Even now when I come shining through
I swear I think of you
And God I wish you knew
Some how
Even now

One Step to The True Trustful

I believe in Red much better than yesterday. He totally changed in some way. The way he touched, hug, kiss and the light in his eyes makes me believe that he's into me right now.
So today it's a best day. We spend more than 24 hours together, had some quality time together and share our dreams. He planned to some business as soon as possible, and makes me wanna plan some business for myself too. We had one thing in common, a dream to go to visit and explore Italy someday. An Brazil, to Rio.

I won't say this out loud. But I wish we could make it real together. I mean.. I hope I can go to Italy, fulfill my wishes with him. You know what I'm saying (gee it's so embarrassing).

And even if our way lead to another different road, I still wish the best things for him. Cause now I know, I realize and I have no doubt about a truth that I actually loves him so bad. I love him with a big affection, big enough to make me did some sacrifice.

But still, it seems like nobody in this world ever knew what's on Red's mind.

I don't know what he sees in me. Maybe I'm just his present girlfriend. Maybe I'm just one of his youth romance or whatever. I asked him what he's looking for in me. He had no idea and I'm kinda disappointing cause he don't know what I actually means.

I mean, it's a college life and I know it's too early to decide but that's me and I can't help. I simply just want to asked if he's serious with me, I want to make sure that our relationship isn't a game he played cause he's bored and need a friend.

Cause I actually wish that Red have the same thought with me, and somehow I have a faith that I'm the best for him. I just wish he realize, somehow, sometimes before I changed my mind cause I can bear the tears anymore. Before it's too late.

Envy

I'm just thinking
what if.. I resign from my school?
It would be sad to out from there, and I have nowhere to go, too. And I hate to left my school, my liberty, my friends and most of all, my Red.

I hate yet shame to think that I don't live my life like I want to. Though I have no idea what I'm going to do, sometimes I just wanna go to somewhere, out from here all alone as long as I'm in my way. In my mind I have a plan to stay and wait. But I'm not a patient person to think if I were late to take a step, I'll ruin everything. Cause here I am, move on but I'm losing my muse. I feel so useless and feels like nobody will stand behind me. It feels like I'm standing all alone in this weary path of my life. And I want to break free.

I lost my friends as the time goes by. I lost them one by one, and there will be a day when I lost everything and had no one to count on. And people around me, I don't think they could make me as their friends cause somehow they don't understand. And people who understand, was understood and now they're changed.

It feels like I'm trapped here. I want to do fashion, writing, movies, all the dream I was fighting for. I was give my best but it's useless cause I'm the chicken-looser here. I thought I can deal with this, try to live in what I had. But I can't help myself to think about my friends who made it. I'm envy them.

In other side, I actually enjoy my life in Bandung. It's great to be there, places where I can organize myself like I want to. I'm not daddy's little girl in there, I'm a girl who did anything all by herself. I can be friend with most of people in there. I can be my own self at some time, when haters seems don't care or don't see me.

And what drove me insane the most is the fact that I can't write. Words doesn't come out! I lost my muse! That should be alright but I look to people who watched me and they like said, "You can't? I think you was a writer," or maybe something like "You can't, so what you can?". And that sad cause I'm not even sure than I deserve to have this or that. The worst part is sometimes I don't deserve to be loved though I really want to be loved. Maybe that's because I never be loved.

See, I actually have nothing. I lose all my confidence some times, but now it feels like I'm losing all. I ain't pretty or famous. I'm not genius or even had a good shape. I think I'm bored. I'm lame. Gee, shopping won't works. I still need a psychiatrist.

The Very Last Goodbye

So lately I notice that two of my friend are on her way to move on, forget the past and have some new love life. They knew what I've been going through in last three years, how hard I've been try and put the biggest efforts to get over with my past. How I make a little last try and failed, how I've been struggle with myself. Blame myself for not doing well, disappoint with myself and family's rules, mad with no one but my diary. I gotta admit that it's damn tough. And now I'm happy for them, too, cause they finally find a good way to move on. At least the bad things didn't come to them all at once like me.

Couple days ago I found a good song with a very beautiful yet strong lyric. The singer named Nina Girado, she's Philippines, and the tittle is 'Someday'. Here the lyrics:

Someday you'll gonna realize
One day you'll see through my eyes
But then I won't even be there
I'll be happy somewhere
Even if I can't

I know
You don't really see my worth
You think your the last guy on earth
Well I've got news for you
I know I'm not that strong
But it won't take long
Won't take long

Chorus

Coz someday, someone's gonna love me
The way, I want you to need me
Someday, someone's gonna take your place
One day I'll forget about you
You'll see, I won't even miss you
Someday, someday

But now
I know you can't tell
I'm down,and I'm not down anyway
But one day these tears
They will all run dry
I won't have to cry
Sweet goodbye

Chorus

Coz someday, someone's gonna love me
The way, I want you to need me
Someday, someone's gonna take your place
One day I'll forget about you
You'll see, I won't even miss you
Someday, someday

And that was perfectly fit for me. Even now the song woulds still be perfect for me, just to remind me about how strong I actually am. Someday, someone's gonna love me the way I want you to need me. Yes. I'm proving that song right now.

Today I was chat with my bestie and she asked me about my love life. It's perfect enough though it's not, I answered. Cause when I have someone to hold my hands when I'm afraid and make me laugh in the middle of blue days, I won't even think about someone who will never love me back.

So now it's official. Goodbye Singapore's Flyer. I won't even notice you from now on.

And Red, I ♥ you that much. More than I can say in words, more than I could show in my panics.