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I changed my mind.

I rename my new blog as sinkingwanderer.blogspot.com

Phew.

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SG

This words will be the last words I ever write about Yellow. Oh I really do hope so.

So I went to Singapore couple weeks ago. Had a great time (not really). I was torn between two heartache. A heartbreak, and a doubts.

Yellow and Red.

Red's

We've been fighting a lot lately. So much unfinished arguments, so much doubts in my heart and mind about how this relationship should end... or not.

Can't say much of anything that's true. I can't even express all thoughts and feeling well.

Long story short, we had a big fight 6 hours before my flight. And that's ruin my holiday.

Yellow's

I loved him.

And somehow inside my 21-mellow-fighter body there's still a 10 years-old girl, wondering if her first love could somehow love her back. his love doesn't have to be as much as her affections to him. A little bit is enough for her.

So once again, I was wondering if there's a slightest chance to be closer. I was going to sent him message when I realized he's taken.

I'm just surprised. And it takes a whole day long of laugh to finally realize how much it actually hurts. I cried in silence, saying "I'm done with love, I never want to feel it ever again" way too many time cause at that point, my lovelife goes nowhere. I spent too many time fell in love with someone I don't have a chance to be with, and that's happen because I swear I'm gonna wait for him no matter what and along the way I met this guy with a good heart, he loves me more than I deserve, and it's killing me to go through a day without him.

I'm a mess. And the only one who can fix me is Red. It's always been him.

Tell me how to stop

I was studying with my paper and finals preparation when suddenly you crossed my mind. I'm not sure if it's nature or is it the song I was playing is the song I used to listen to over and over again when I was madly in love with you. I wrote a little note of my thoughts about you in my journal. I was going to tweet something about it but I just don't know what to say. And fear of possibility that Red may read it and get hurt.
"It's not like I still love you or what" is what's in my head for at least half an hour before I finally decide to wrote this post. I assure myself that it might be just my random thoughts. And I know that's a lie.
I still care. I still think about it frequently, not everyday but much enough it makes me often think my relationship, my life-plan with Red is a right decision or not. I love him, probably not as much as I used to but I know there's a room inside my heart where a little love for him still left.
It's not like he will love me somehow, cause I truly believe he will not. He never do, he never will. So I don't think I should ruin my relationship and waiting like a fool like I used to.
This madness got to stop. It's 2013. It's been 12 years and it should stop. I should stop. Yeah I should... if I could.

Lotte Kestner's

My baby baby

I want you so it scares me to death

I can't say anymore than "I love you"

Everything else is a waste of breath

I want you

You've had your fun you don't get well no more

I want you

Your fingernails go dragging down the wall

I want you

I woke up and one of us was crying

I want you

You said "little girl I do believe you're dying"

I want you

If you need a second opinion as you seem to do these days

You can look in my eyes and you can count the ways

I want you

Rob from always on the run is so bad and copy paste is a sin

I want you

Did you mean to tell me but seem to forget

I want you

Since when were you so generously inarticulate

I want you

It's the stupid details that my heart is breaking for

It's the way your shoulders shake and what they're shaking for

It's knowing that she knows you now after only guessing

It's the thought of her undressing you or you undressing

She tossed some tattered compliment your way

I want you

And you were fool enough to love it when she said

"I want you"

"I want you"

I want you

The truth can't hurt you it's just like the dark

It scares you witless

But in time you see things clear and stark

I want you

Go on and hurt me then we'll let it drop

I want you

I'm afraid I won't know where to stop

I'm not ashamed to say I cried for you

I want you

I want you

I might as well be useless for all it means to you

I want you

You've had your fun you don't get well no more

I want you

No-one else wants you could want you more

I want you

Every night when I go off to bed

And when I wake up

I want you

I want you

I'm going to say it once again 'til I instill it

I know I'm going to feel this way until you kill it

Bitter Heart

Today Red came to my school to pick me up. This day should end great, with a little complain that it should lasts longer and wondering if we came to the same home and sleep in the same bed. But today, our date didn't ended well.
Some say we can't keep something to ourselves. Pain gonna hurts more and more, and it'll kill us if we keep it alone. So I release it. It's not better. I feel bitter and somehow the pain crush me inside, alive. I thought it's gonna make me feel better after I told him what I felt for years. Turns out, it crash me harder.
Our last conversation in cab goes like this.
"So you don't wanna see me again?" he asked.
"I won't care no more," I said.
"Okay." Then we remain in silent and he left.
I feel so dizzy today, all I can remember is blurry memory suddenly came and attack me as if I were a thief. I miss him presence already, wish we were holding hands. I take a little nap and I wake up, I thought he's with me. What a fool thing to do. Now I'm trying to make it up but I can't reach him. Maybe his phone died.
I realize I'm a jerk to gave him my cold shoulder today. But I just can't help it. All disappointments came and it's like the alarm in my head who gave me another warning like it did for past couple months. It's like a sign for me to go, like now or never.
I'm pretty sure he never really cared. I don't know why he want a future with me, maybe he loves me but we all know love is not enough. I need him to understand, without I'm saying how much I need him to understand. I need him to understand automatically that some silly things are very important to me.
I had so much issues in my life. Fear of losing people, honesty/trust issues, fear of screaming. He knows all that, but one thing I never say is how much I fear to lay my life completely and let people take care of me. I never do that before. Oh well I did that once and it didn't turn out great. I never believe in anybody but myself. Even my family, or him.
Today we had a talk before the fight about exes. Well, his ex and my past. That girl and Yellow. He said it won't change anything between us if someday, somehow he meet her again. But unfortunately I can't swear the same about Yellow. I won't make a promise I can't keep. It's not that I still loves him or what, I know that's not true. I know who I want to marry someday, it's Red. But there's something I can't explain about how I feel about everything.
Today there's a lot of things I said that I didn't mean to. But all said and done. I'm not gonna mad if he wants to ditch me I guess. He has a right to do that.

Love is Not Enough

In relationship, love is not enough. It's never been. So many hard things you have to face, so many to take  and give without losing your affection them. It's not that easy cause I'm there.
Sometimes I don't get it why did he say love and those sweet talks and stuff but sometimes he make me feel  like he didn't. There is no laws or rules about how someone should proves their love. Some let their feeling show by words, some through acts of sincerity. And some keep it for their selves to know in silence.
Red, in this subject, can be hard to understand sometimes. He's not really open to anyone, sometimes not even to me. And that kills me a little cause God knows how many times I lay my head in my pillow, wondering what's going on and loves the pain from imagination of the worst version of how our relationship end instead of believing what he said or realizing the truth that he always been honest to me. Well at least since our last breakup.
Love is not enough, cause I love him enough to know he's the one I will despite all things and still, that's not enough.
I need to be more patience. More faith in him, in me, in us.

Lazy Hazy

Long time no blogging! Will update as soon as I can. Drowned in a hell of ass-ignments and so much to do yet so little time (I nap a lot lately. Surprise!)

2013 Yellow

It's 2 years and half since I moved on from Yellow.
It's 2013 already but still, some days are pretty weird for me when I found myself suddenly wondering what could have been if things doesn't work out like this right now. What if I'm still single, or what if I give it a try a little bit more. Could he ever loved me the way I did? Could he see me through and look at me as a woman, or does he ever consider me to be his?