30 October 2011
26 October 2011
A Fight
We never been in a real fight when we're so mad each other. This time we did. I, make him did.
Last weekend I went there to fix some unsettle things. I'm thinking about break up. Cause even that could hurt me so bad, I'd rather have my heart breaks for years than swelling my pride for the fourth time. I knew I would crying like a hell if I walk out the door that day. I knew I would spent my days mourning, wish I never knew, wish he were still with me, wish I could call him as he already become my everything, my friend, boyfriend and future dream. I knew that, but still I wish he didn't hold me that tight so I could run and just go away.
Maybe I'm tired of wandering. My doubts has fade away for a long time ever since I actually can see how many changes he made after all. All my doubts in him was so-last-year and I got none this year cause he's changed and become a brand-new-gentleman.
But I never thought about a simply connection of friendship lefts between them. I honestly will be cool if they have a little talk as long as I know they're talking, and I need him to tell me.He didn't, and suddenly I knew it feels like a huge cube ice hitting my head.
I never been so numb before. I cry a little, hurts a lot, wondering on my own world for hours all alone and like a lost puppy I feel like had nowhere to go.What you supposed to do when you had a big doubts to someone that you consider as present and future? There's just so much fear and dilemma, wonder if it's better to being smart and rationalist and left than stay, dazzling and waiting for another heartache.
He promised a lot things to me. Promises that I knew he wouldn't ever break for the fifth time.
But still something in my chest hurts me constantly, my brain can't help thinking about all the pain every minutes and I'm so freaking hubbub. So I smoke.
Maybe I was stupid, or maybe I'm just being honest, I told him. He's mad, a lot, more than me on the first case. And that's how we fight.
Now we're good but I knew he would never believe me the way he did before. Somehow I relief cause he don't have to be the one who always feel guilty. Now he can blame me. And we're good, we're even.
Last weekend I went there to fix some unsettle things. I'm thinking about break up. Cause even that could hurt me so bad, I'd rather have my heart breaks for years than swelling my pride for the fourth time. I knew I would crying like a hell if I walk out the door that day. I knew I would spent my days mourning, wish I never knew, wish he were still with me, wish I could call him as he already become my everything, my friend, boyfriend and future dream. I knew that, but still I wish he didn't hold me that tight so I could run and just go away.
Maybe I'm tired of wandering. My doubts has fade away for a long time ever since I actually can see how many changes he made after all. All my doubts in him was so-last-year and I got none this year cause he's changed and become a brand-new-gentleman.
But I never thought about a simply connection of friendship lefts between them. I honestly will be cool if they have a little talk as long as I know they're talking, and I need him to tell me.He didn't, and suddenly I knew it feels like a huge cube ice hitting my head.
I never been so numb before. I cry a little, hurts a lot, wondering on my own world for hours all alone and like a lost puppy I feel like had nowhere to go.What you supposed to do when you had a big doubts to someone that you consider as present and future? There's just so much fear and dilemma, wonder if it's better to being smart and rationalist and left than stay, dazzling and waiting for another heartache.
He promised a lot things to me. Promises that I knew he wouldn't ever break for the fifth time.
But still something in my chest hurts me constantly, my brain can't help thinking about all the pain every minutes and I'm so freaking hubbub. So I smoke.
Maybe I was stupid, or maybe I'm just being honest, I told him. He's mad, a lot, more than me on the first case. And that's how we fight.
Now we're good but I knew he would never believe me the way he did before. Somehow I relief cause he don't have to be the one who always feel guilty. Now he can blame me. And we're good, we're even.
21 October 2011
I have no idea why this things happen. Again.
Sometimes I wonder what am I to you. What you see in me, how come you chosen me and how come you change so much things about me.
Honestly I never stop wonder what am I to you. Even after you spent days and nights talking about how much I meant to you and what you willing to do, what you willing to fight for me and for us.
Oops. Maybe the question is wrong. What was am I to you?
Was you taking me for granted? Was you meant to playing with me? Was you pleased with all the games you were played? It's been a year and it still hurts.
And what's in your mind right now? Was all those sweet thing you've told me lies? How can I know for sure that you are true?
Honestly I never stop wonder what am I to you. Even after you spent days and nights talking about how much I meant to you and what you willing to do, what you willing to fight for me and for us.
Oops. Maybe the question is wrong. What was am I to you?
Was you taking me for granted? Was you meant to playing with me? Was you pleased with all the games you were played? It's been a year and it still hurts.
And what's in your mind right now? Was all those sweet thing you've told me lies? How can I know for sure that you are true?
14 October 2011
Funny how hubbub I was
Today is my free day. I love Friday. And I hate Saturday cause my class start from 8 am till 4pm. For Neptune's sake, it's Saturday! But never mind, what's good in Saturday? Red is so far away and it's hard to have some quality time in weekend with him. H'es so busy and I think I'm going to be, as my heart very seldom to ripped when I miss him. Maybe hard work could distract me.
Anyway, I open my secret blog, http://lonelymolly.blogspot.com and I read how hubbub I was back then about my relationship with Red. Here's some of them:
But I think writing is good for me so i can travel back to past, see what I was thinking and reminds what makes me today, decision by decision changes my life and now here I am. So much different with three months ago, one year ago.
And I think I'm gonna changes again in several next months, who knows?
Anyway, I open my secret blog, http://lonelymolly.blogspot.com and I read how hubbub I was back then about my relationship with Red. Here's some of them:
Is it love, when I don't want he walking me home when he feel sick?It's funny how hubbub I was. How I was so much in doubt about everything and mostly, about my relationship.
Is it love, when I won't be his burden in my own trouble?
Is it love, when it feels so right when I'm with him, even in the middle of madness?
Or is it just an illusion, when I think I might be die in my old heartbreak if I don't found and be loved by someone like him?
Is it just a lust, when I think it's alright if he kissed me a lot and knowing that one day, he'll left?
But I think writing is good for me so i can travel back to past, see what I was thinking and reminds what makes me today, decision by decision changes my life and now here I am. So much different with three months ago, one year ago.
And I think I'm gonna changes again in several next months, who knows?
13 October 2011
Best Thing I Own
Last Monday I sneak out and went to Bandung to have him in my arms. As I open his room I burst into tears and I don't remember how long I cried and falter. It's just so sad. I miss him smell, his old shirt, his handwriting, and everything about him.
We spent all day together, just holding hands and nothing much to say but that's alright cause we knew we're so much in love even no words are spoken. He gave me a sheep dolls, a Rosario bracelet and a batik's purse. It's lasts for like 6 hours but the happiness he brings to me whenever he's around could last till the time I saw him again.
When he kiss my sleepy eyes, at that moment I just knew. He's the best thing in my life, and the best of the best, the best I'm going to keep for the rest of my life.
I love you Red :) It's more today than yesterday, but not as much as tomorrow cause tomorrow I will love you more and more!
We spent all day together, just holding hands and nothing much to say but that's alright cause we knew we're so much in love even no words are spoken. He gave me a sheep dolls, a Rosario bracelet and a batik's purse. It's lasts for like 6 hours but the happiness he brings to me whenever he's around could last till the time I saw him again.
When he kiss my sleepy eyes, at that moment I just knew. He's the best thing in my life, and the best of the best, the best I'm going to keep for the rest of my life.
I love you Red :) It's more today than yesterday, but not as much as tomorrow cause tomorrow I will love you more and more!
2 October 2011
See you soon
I miss you. So much. Too much. I miss you till it hurts. I think I'm going insane if we don't meet as soon as possible, dear, I'm afraid the craziness in me had a very low capacity to bear. I've got to see you soon.
It's like thoughts about you following me every places I go. In the bus, in school, in my sleep, you're in everywhere. It's been weeks and months I longing you for so long. I miss your warm embrace, hugs, kisses, every little thing about you.
Sometimes I'm being amazed and proud of how strong we are. We didn't meet for almost 7 months and we're going strong. We didn't even have a fight. We just talk. I cried, you listen. I frightened, you calm me down. I trapped here, you willing to wait for me.
I'll see you soon, dear. I gotta do it no matter what happen. I got to see you soon.
It's like thoughts about you following me every places I go. In the bus, in school, in my sleep, you're in everywhere. It's been weeks and months I longing you for so long. I miss your warm embrace, hugs, kisses, every little thing about you.
Sometimes I'm being amazed and proud of how strong we are. We didn't meet for almost 7 months and we're going strong. We didn't even have a fight. We just talk. I cried, you listen. I frightened, you calm me down. I trapped here, you willing to wait for me.
I'll see you soon, dear. I gotta do it no matter what happen. I got to see you soon.
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