In Prison

It's been 2 weeks. If I said I'm okay right now, it would be a lie. Cause I'm not okay, though I probably sounds fine. At least I'm trying to pretend that I'm fine, or maybe I'm gonna be. But it's not an easy thing to do. I'm broken, and I have no idea why I'm still breathing. It feels like.. I'm half alive while the other part of me is dead. And that's what makes it hard. It's hurting me every time I took a breathe cause the pain is unbearable and yet I still alive to feel the vain. I think to be dead would be so much easier.

I want to die. I wish I could. But I won't, cause there's a lot of thing I cannot do by dying. It's not like I want to grab a knife and kill my self. I don't really wants to dead, I just don't know how to survive and make it through. I always thought that I'm a strong woman. But when I saw my reflection today, I realize I'm just a fragile little girl inside. My face is pale as ever and I literally can see the pain in my eyes. It freaks me out cause it doesn't look like me. It's not me. It's somebody else's face.

But that's mine.

And minutes feels like hours, days like years and though it's been weeks, I believe a year could feels longer than years. It's not my place, but they insist called it home. It's not a home for me. Home is places where your heart wants to be, right? It's not my place. It's not my home. This is a prison, coldest places and maybe, for now, it's the last place I want to be. But shits, I'm here. In prison.

I hate to be here, I wanna go out from here. But I can do nothing. I don't have enough money to feeding myself, and I'm just too scared of being alone out there. I mean, it's alright if I got to be alone as long ad I have money in my pocket. But I don't have that and for me, world' could be so cruel. I'm so chicken.

Dear, please get me out from here. I'm not sure if I'm strong enough to faced this, yet patient enough to waiting for 5 years ;(

I'm Speechless

I'm speechless. I never thought thing could changed so fast. I never thought my life will change this fast.

I'll be resign from my study in Bandung. Things changed. I hate it, but I can't help. It's not totally my mistakes but what can I do? I'll never could turn back the time. It feels like God already printed the book of my life, everything's written and nothing I can do to erase it from the book. Even I type - x it, nothing gonna change. And nothing I could do to change it.

I know I've been changed so much since I live in Bandung. So that's why my family pull me back to Jakarta.

I really wish there's a miracle so I could stay.. forever. Cause the last thing I want to happen in my life, maybe, is to be apart from Red.